I’m not ok

[spotted]

I have always been a shirker of happiness, always been somewhat melancholy. However, over the past few years, I’ve seemingly become averse to happiness, always emotionally hurting myself and day dreaming of scenarios where I am emotionally hurt. I’m also low on confidence and therefore never sure of where I stand with others, including family, to the extent that I have started questioning whether anybody really loves me for who I am (and not out of duty). 
I was pretty badly emotionally abused as a teen/young adult by my peers and I’m not sure if that has caused these issues, although that was nearly 20 years ago. 
I don’t think this is usual, and I also think that I’m not okay. 

[jaz28]

Hi spotted,

I am sorry to hear that you have been going through a rough patch. I am also sorry to hear about the adversity and troubles you have endured. 

Have you considered seeing your doctor or a mental health professional about these feelings? Everyone that has responded has had some great insight, but I also stress that you need to run this past a professional who is trained to help you.

I hope things improve,

Jaz xx

[rubytiger]

Hey. 

I relate completley to how your feeling too. I question all the time if people actually love me or not, if anyone really is capable of loving me or if i can even love myself.. It can seriously put myself in such an awful way that's hard to get out of. And i find myself unable to be happy or to think positively.

I just wanted to let you know that your not alone in how your feeling when your not okay. It can make you feel horrible. 

Try to find things that make YOU happy. Things you enjoy. Even if it's just one little thing, doesn't matter as long as it makes you happy or you enjoy it. It may help if you need some things in your life to add a bit of happiness or joy. 

You can get through this. I am here to talk.

[spotted]

Thank you! Some days I feel ok and these thoughts don’t surface; others, not so and then I just go very fast down the chute of “did anyone ever really love me”. The off days seem to be increasing, so yes, I’ve decided to see a professional. 

[spotted]

thank you; yes, I’m planning to get some help. 

[Luci_Lu]

Hi Spotted, I can relate to so much of what you are saying. When that feeling of self-worth hits rock bottom it is so hard to change that mindset. I have somehow managed to keep up a façade in life of being strong and brave when inside I am anything but. It took me many years of being so unkind to myself before I realized it was all in my head and there was actually a lot of love around me. I had a deep rooted belief that I was rotten and all the bad things that happened to me in life was because I was rotten. Why would anyone love that? If they did, it wouldn't take long before they saw me for who I truly was. I have walked away from so many relationships and friendships as I was sure they were about to discover how awful I was and leave anyway. I'm not awful and actually dedicate most of my time trying to be kind to others so they don't feel anything of what I feel. The perception of myself and my life was so wrong. Being brave enough to get help and be truly open with loved ones has made a huge difference to me. I had allowed my mind to take over everything, and sadly my mind was traumatized by the past. My fight, flight, freeze response always triggered when I felt my ground start to shake. Usually it was flight and I would withdraw from everyone and everything. My mind thought it was protecting me from more hurt but it's view was very one-side and distorted. It takes courage and determination to change that mindset and even then, can still creep up on you. Stay strong, accept support as I imagine there are likely some around you who will want to be there for you if you let them and most importantly, remember you are not alone.