i fear the worst with my lung tumors

[Out_the_window]

Hello people. Ive been very depressed because i may have a similar disease that killed my sister.lung tumors. I dont smoke any more.but yesturday it bled.its not good.now theres one in each lung.ive had mild pnuemonia the past week and a half.still coughing badly.still at home.will go into hospital tomorrow. Ive been sick for over four years now. Im still playing my guitar and writing songs. Anyway. My depression seems to be replaced by numbness. As i have siezures. Im 55 now. Im not telling my daughters as they still have shock from the sudden departures of my five family members... " THERES A BLUE SKYE OUT MY WINDOW...A BRIGHTER DAY THATS IN MY MIND...AND IVE GOT NO SPECIAL PLACE TO GO.

MAYBE THERE I WILL FIND...IM. OUT..OUT THE WINDOW..wmr

[blondguy]

Hello Wayne

Im Paul and I would be proud to have a look at your work.

To say you have great courage by posting would be an understatement. Good on you for having the strength to post.

Can I ask you if you will have a laptop with you in hospital?

Its 4:45am here in Vic and it would be great to have you post back....if you are up to it of course Wayne

4 years with this? My heart goes out to you.

There are many kind people that can be here for you. I am sincerely sorry that your depression has morphed into numbness and now seizures. You and I are the same age Wayne

If I may ask you.....so your daughters dont know you are going into hospital today?

I know the Beyond Blue forums is not the ideal place to be considering the pain you are going through Wayne, but we may be able to be of some help to you....I hope.

Please excuse me again for another question......Do you have even a couple of people/friends that are with you during this awful phase you have and are going through?

I hope we can make the Blue Sky brighter for you

my very best

Paul

[geoff]

hi Wayne, I'm pleased that Paul has replied back to you, but deeply sorry that his is the only reply post, however as you can imagine it's a very difficult post to reply to, but more than that, a terrible situation you are in.
By having pnuemonia with blood in your lungs isn't a good sign which can apparently cause you to have seizures, OMG how dreadful this must be for you, and still the pain continues with the departure of five family members, I hope that this means that they have just left you, but your daughters must know something is dreadfully wrong with you.
You hide it from them because they will find out and then be so disappointed knowing that you have this condition and not have told them, either way it's going to be a shock, but if I was you I would be telling them, otherwise they won't know why you are going to be admitted into hospital.
OK depression maybe numbing all of this, but then you have to struggle with this insidious disease, please let your daughters in and by doing this may start the beginning for them to understand what you are going through, because if you don't then they will have to overcome the 'why didn't dad tell us' first of all, before they can then cope with the rest.
I want to wish you my very best. Geoff.

[Out_the_window]

Thanks bondeguy for your reply. But now ive forgotten your qquestions.my short term memory is bad.i forgot names of my old best mates for an entire day i was so upset i couldnt remember...my duaghters dont handle these situations well. The biggest one stll is angry at me for telling her off for having a criminal boyfriend..but i must be firm with her for her own safety. And my grandkids as well. Im home again until the 24 th of january.then i see a new lung specialist.im requesting a PET scan. My depression affects my judgment.my reactions to things and ive seen things sometimes. I saw my sister as a ghost. But it didnt scare me at all.she passed away from lung cancer. I write songs about my family members who passed away. Also about better world. My mother is scared but my sisters daughter is strong and good support.she takes care of her two youngest brothers. I admire her.so much like her mum was. You know...i used to heal animals as a child.so im not giving up trying to heal myself . I just need to figure it out.. cheers.

[Out_the_window]

Hi geoff..i do want my girls to know.but they dont handle stress well. Im waiting to see a new lung specialist next week.maybe that can shed light on my new tumor. Im still coughing alot.despite my second course of antibiotics. .depression is treated with medication and my.music. music is a great mood release for me. I can be anyone i wanto be while playing.and say what i want. So after it. I feel relaxed. My neice is up from south.she is so strong.she supports me and will inform my eldest daughter no doubt. Its sad that it takes something like this for your own blood to forgive you.even though it wasnt my fault . Divorces.etc. anyway.i must go get my food shopping.and medicines. Thanks for your advice. Wayne

[blondguy]

Hi Wayne

Thanks for replying. I hope the doctors at the hospital were able to help you.

you have been through (and are) so much tragedy and grief Wayne. Do you have a couple of friends that you can talk to? Like a small support network to help you have a vent?

I really hope you do. You deserve to have kind people that will be there for you if you need a chat.

Im really sorry about the passing of your dear sister too Wayne.

I do envy your ability to write songs/music and lyrics. I wish I had the talent

I understand you about depression having an effect on our thinking. I am the same issue with depression now since 1996

It would be great if you choose to stick around the forums Wayne 🙂

Very good to meet you too

my kind thoughts

Paul

[Out_the_window]

Hi blondguy / paul. I dont get along with many people.or i choose not to.lol .always been a loner. For some reason i feel less safe around people.i get a bad vibe that causes the panic instinct inside me. Like many my family was very dysfunctional. My memory is like an injured animal.it geos back to at least three yo. But my shorter term is fading. So.noi dont have a network. Today i learned my psychologist to be wont be.because she has no fax.her rreceptionist is non existant.she dosnt return calls.and she often changes her mind about my 1st appointment dates....so ive had it with that profession.i wont persue another one....wayne

[blondguy]

Hey Wayne, thanks for replying 🙂

You are in the right place Wayne. Many of us here suffer from some type of mental illness. I know I do but I am okay with that.

Im really sad that you dont have a support network and you have that panic feeling inside you when you feel less safe around other people.

I know its only computer based chat but the volunteers here really do care about what you have to say.

Thankyou too for helping others by posting to others that are in pain Wayne.

I understand your memory is like an injured animal and you have short term memory loss too

you are not alone here Wayne and thankyou again for helping out on the forums!

my kind thoughts

Paul

[MarkJT]

Wayne, much like you i have really bad short term memory with massive memory gaps from the past decade or so. This is due to PTSD. To counter that, I use my phone to put notes in on dates to remember, names of people i have met or things that i just need to remember. It is not a perfect solution but it works well enough for me to get through. Maybe give that a go?

I also dissociated as well, at times I felt completely numb. Not a feeling to anyone or thing. To counter this, I used to go through old photos and inevitably would find some of a really good time. Be that traveling, sport or life. I would look at them for ages and would make myself remember those moments. It served me well as would bring a smile to my face and a nice feeling. It just served as a reminder that although I was numb, i still had those feelings within me.

Keep engaging with us in here mate. We are all here to help you through this journey that you are on. Everyone needs support during times of ill health, you can lean on us.

Mark.

[Out_the_window]

Thanks Markjt .i think some studies need to be done to compair mentally ill people who have small vessel disease . As my doctor noted that my memory lapses are due to the findings of small vessel disease in.my brain. ..he said its common for people who are given anti psychotics.especially if they shouldnt be on them. Anyway. Im sure the mental health people will cover that one up.lol as they always do. Also i have the ability to adjust my vitals when i wanto.lower my BP...PULSE...METABOLISM. etc. So i have found this helps me completely switch off. I rest at night my rates are 30. And bp as low as 80/40. I wake up and focus for one minute and its steady at 125/75. Also i can induce a deep sleep that lasts for a minimum of 12 hours... cause as a child thats how i healed myself from sicknesses.... my memory can be vague.but when its good.i sometimes see it in front of me.like a big screen. In colour. With sound. But im very different.ive always known that.so did my great grandma. Cheers.wayne.