I don't know how I've stood this long.

[Snakestew]

Hey, this is something I should have done years ago but.

I've not had the most pleasant life. Ever since I was small I was in and out seeing psychs to have me diagnosed with autism, but that's honestly only minor compared to what else is wrong with me.

On top of that I have lived with narcissistic parents and a sister who have verbally abused me all my life for the most minor things, and also physically too when I was a child and teen. I've been on meds all my life, and my mother seems to think I'm an uncontrollable beast without them. Lately I have thought back on my child psych who said she strongly thought I was bipolar too, but my mother vehemently denied it could be possible. Now I am not so sure. Thanks to her I was afraid to ask questions or delve into things lest I face a punishment. I still live with my parents now, who in their old age are getting even more abusive - throwing objects, hitting me, controlling my lifestyle such as turning off the internet when they're angry, and never believing anything I've had to say. Perhaps thats why this took so long. I feel so voiceless.

Recently also I've been growing extremely tired and lethargic, and not sleeping for days. Recently I was punished for not going out with my support worker as I took night meds I originally stopped taking because they put me in deep sleep to try to get some sleep for the day, I woke at 7pm that night and extremely incoherent. And did they believe me? No. My internet was cut again. When I fall into depressive states and self harm, they often encourage me to hurt myself more.

My mother also likes to cry wolf and say she is being abused whenever she is asked simple questions that she doesn't want to answer.

And the cherry on top is that I am a transgender male, who, due to this toxic living situation, cannot come out and get the support I need. My mother has told me that basically she will accept me but only if I don't transition. And that is not what I want.

I've had many thoughts of suicide over the years as well as silent, unnoticed attempts, how I am still alive today is some miracle. But not all miracles can last forever, and I may be at the end of my tether.

Please, my walls are crumbling.

[Ggrand]

Hello Snakestew,

im sorry that your post has taken a long time to get a reply. It's nothing to do with your posts,its just that sometimes posts can be held back..

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Forums, where you will meet some wonderful people who are willing to give you their insight into there own mental health problems and try to guide you on the right path to your wellness.

Im really sorry your struggling so much, Can I ask you if you are having any type of professional treatment? I tried to heal myself but it's to hard and I think nearly impossible with out professional help..

Having grown up with constant verbal abuse can cause a lack of confidence in yourself and this needs addressing if you want to heal..

try your best to distract your thoughts away from unhealthy ones by finding and doing something that you like and you need to concerntrate on, some ideas, internet mind challenging games.. jig saws, tv, music, I find instrumentals are best, pick a instrument and follow that instrument right through the song with earphones in..there just a few ideas.

When you have the unhealthy thoughts the above suggestions are great for distraction them... There is also a few threads here for coping strategies...if you search..."grounding" or " coping strategies " they will pop up so you can read through them..also you might like to join in on any other threads if you feel up to posting..

Please keep in touch and let us know how you get on..

Care and kind thoughts,

Grandy..

[FFL]

try to think of how you can make it better

[Gem28]

Hey Snakestew,


I am so sorry to hear all the trauma you are currently experiencing.
Do you have a close friend or a person close to you that you can trust strongly to help you go through any of these issues?


I know its hard opening up to people and life can feel so useless and hard at times but you need to try and focus on the good of life.
Is there a chance maybe your parents are just trying to figure your condition out as much as you?
Maybe they have a bit of fear or don't fully understand I mean, I know that might not sound like it at all to you and I obviously don't fully understand your situation but honestly, try to focus on you and think of things that make YOU happy.

I hope things get better for you soon.
G xxxx