I am new and blue

[Pabs]

Good evening all,

Its very unlike me to post in forums or blogs but I came across this while searching for 'mental health Doctor' in Google and suddenly felt a sense of warmth that there are others in a similar situation.

I love to talk about my feelings but at times it feels as though I am burdening my friends with the cycle of low thoughts I am constantly in. Perhaps there are people here who I can talk to more freely.

So why am I here? Good question! I honestly think I've had some kind of depression for most of my life from been very young. I am pretty good at trying to mask it where people think I am the life and soul of the party but inside I am deeply unhappy and can't wait to break away and be alone where I can take off my mask.

That is however until the last few weeks as I seem to have misplaced the mask and people now come and tell me I look miserable. Especially at work which is great for my career.

I m back at that point where you have no idea why you are unhappy. Thinking about it is like looking at a big bowl of spaghetti with a few bits and bobs thrown in for good measure. It's like an impossible puzzle where there seems to be no beginning and no end. So the only way to deal with it is to cover it up, perhaps with a little parmesan to hide the mess underneath. This works for the short term but soon the Parmesan melts and there's that puzzle again! Pass me the Parmesan quick!

So here's the ingredients to my sphagetti:

1 great big helping of severe bulling at school - kids are so kind

An alcoholic father which I never saw in my childhood

Discovering I am Gay which didn't go down too well with the family

A string of failed relationships - one of which just ended last week

Death of my father last year - which I never got to say goodbye as I couldn't make it back to the UK in time so I was somewhere over Dubai when he left us.

Some issues with Alcohol. Not daily but tends to seem like a good idea when feeling low (this I found out this morning is not a good idea while vomitting up everything in my tummy and having to take a day off work)

So there's a taste of my story. There's lots of other lovely ingredients to add but I'll save those for another time.

It feels strange writing them down. Perhaps that will help.

I am in Melbourne. If anyone knows of any groups I would be up for that.

hello again, and I am looking forward to sharing and trying to help myself and others.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pabs,

Welcome to the community here at Beyond Blue. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I enjoyed your way of describing how you are feeling. Your explanation made sense to me.

There are so many people here who will be able to relate to how you are feeling, but will just express it differently!

By the way, there is a LGBTI section on this forum as well if you are interested in checking out some of the threads there. You are more than welcome to join in any topic on this forum, as are all people.

So you have googled Mental Health Dr. but have you been to see an actual real Dr about your issues? If you have no idea how to go about this, there is a section in the help region that can assist you to find help in your region.

There is a phone help line as well on 1300 22 4636, the people answering will be bale to help direct you as well.

Sorry to read about the bullying at school, I know what that is like. You will find quite a few threads here relating to bullying! Also sorry to read about your Dad.

Hope some of this helps!

Cheerio for now from Mrs. Dools

[Pabs]

It's a while since I have heard anyone say cherio 🙂

thanks for your note back I didn't expect anyone to respond.

I have been to counsellors but to honest I am unsure about whether it's doing any good. I always feel that an hour every week or even every 2 weeks is not enough for me I need something more but I am not sure what other options there are.

Ive thought about taking medication but I really don't like the idea of it so I would rather not.

I am not really sure what to do next. Perhaps try a different counsellor?

I just want to be free from this it's making me feel like I should be locked away.

I used to be such a nice guy but now feel I am bitter and resentful of everything and everyone.

Everyday I toy with the idea of leaving oz and going back to the UK but I am sure the problems would be with me still. I guess the only positive thing is I would have my family and friends over there to catch me when I fall. I think that's what I miss been over here.

thanks for the LGBT link I'll take a look.

P

[Doolhof]

Hi Pabs,

Welcome back! Great to hear from you again. Thanks for sharing more of your story. One thing I have learnt over the years is to look at my issues one item at a time, and don't chuck them all into the same basket and try to work them all out at once.

It is wonderful you can see a counsellor so often. I live in a small country town, have to drive 30 minutes to a different town and get to see my psychologist once every two months.

Before you go to an appointment, think about your main issues and discuss those first. Write down dot points if you need to, hand them to the counsellor if that helps. Do anything you need to make the most of that time.

Between appointments it might help to write down more stuff as well, if you do it here or on paper. Getting thoughts out of my head helps me to clarify them. A girlfriend does this daily, it certainly helps her.

Regarding being locked away, for some people it helps to be given that break and assistance in a mental health ward or even in a general ward. In 2000 I had a major breakdown and spent 2 weeks in a mental health unit. Since moving here 3 years ago, when I was close to a breakdown, my new Dr sent me to the local hospital for two weeks rest. I needed the space to do nothing for a while.

Do you have hobbies and interests you could become more involved with?

Not having family close by must be hard. Do you keep in touch with them for long distance support? Are there people at work that might join you in going to a movie or a sporting event for example?

Ah, like you mentioned going back to the UK might help initially, but if you don't find ways to deal with your issues, sure as anything they will just tag along!

Another long answer from me! I'm going to give you another Cheerio as well! I'm also going to look for the "social chat room" in the LGBTI section and will mention that in a moment for you.

Cheers again, from Mrs. Dools

[Doolhof]

Me again Pabs,

Okay. I have the details right now!

Check out the Sexuality and Gender Identity section of this forum. You may like to check out "The Transcendent Rainbow Café" thread.

It is not an actual real life café, just one created in cyber space where you can have a chat with fellow LGBTI people and heterosexuals who drop in to say goodaye now and then.

There is another similar site called BB Café which has a lot of traffic. You are more than welcome to join in anywhere on the forums.

Cheers again, from Mrs. Dools

[Paul]

Hey Pabs,

Welcome - I'm really glad your Google search brought you here. Plenty of kind people who really love to listen and the weird thing is that most of us can relate to feeling like a crappy plate of spaghetti.

We've all got a mask we wear - we have to otherwise nothing would happen, we wouldn't leave the house and we couldn't function in our daily lives. This is particularly so of sensitive caring people. Sometimes the emotions pile up on that plate and as you've mentioned not even parmesan can cover them anymore.

The stripy bus below my cat on the left means I'm gay and one of the people on the forums like Mrs Dools who offers some directions and lets you know that you're in a safe place here. No parmesan required!

You mentioned you were searching for a mental health Dr on the googly monster. Were you looking to change counsellor or change the way things are being done with your current counsellor by perhaps looking for a different professional.

Are you happy to talk about your relationships? Can you tell me about what happened with the one that just ended?

Hope to chat soon.

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Just dropping by to say hello Pabs,

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Sounds like rather a lot has been happening for you over the last year or so. I kind of agree with what Mrs Dools and Paul have said, help does help in the end, and whilst it sounds trite I think we really do better together.

I have been thinking about moving back to the UK (more specifically the home town Caerphilly) for many years. I think you might be right that any problems I'd pack up and take with me, and honestly if I am being realistic there isn't much left there that I'd want to return too. Melbourne has plenty of our lot in it anyway.

More then happy to listen, personally I believe whinging to be a basic human right, helps us sort our thinking out. I have my own experience with bullies, a father who will never understand me being gay but who was absent anyway from most of my childhood because he had a brain haemorrhage and lost his emotions, and a long history of depression.

Glad you stopped by here.

Rob.

[Doolhof]

Hi Pabs, Paul and Rob,

A sense of belonging is something we need to develop inside of us. I grew up on an island with 4,500 people living there. I never felt like I belonged there. That may just have been due to my upbringing, bullying at school and lack of friends.

At one stage our school had less than 60 students even though it was from year one to year 10. We had 2 students in yr 10, 5 in yr nine and 5 in yr eight. A bit tough making friends with so few kids in town! I ended up having older friends...the parents of some of the kids!

Later on in life I met a lovely English couple. The lady had lost a baby the same as me, she was able to openly provide me with the love and care I was missing from my family.

They never felt settled in Australia. Three times they sold everything and went back to England only to keep returning to Australia. In their older years I guess it became too hard to move from one country to the other so they stayed here and died here.

My husband and I have moved houses three times, our last move was from the city to the country. He thought his problems would be left behind in the city, but they have followed him and now he has extra to deal with on top.

We had a lovely new home in the city we had built for us to our specific needs and wants. I had friends and community close by. My husband announced he was putting the house on the market and had put a deposit on a house in the country, so we moved.

I've tried to make the most of it. To embrace this new and different way of life.

Going back to where I was born and where I grew up is always a time of mixed emotions. It is a beautiful place. I just need to let the negative memories rest and make new happier experiences to out weigh the past.

Finding peace in my heart is what works best for me.

Mmmm. That is my rambling session done for the morning. Ha. Ha.

Cheers guys from Mrs. Dools