Hi all! Wanting to feel more like myself again

[Kotori]

Hi all,

I apologise in advance for the long post! I am 24, and I
have suspected since I was 15 that I may be experiencing symptoms of depression
and/or anxiety. Though I have a family history of anxiety, I am currently
un-diagnosed as I have never been able to justify discussing my symptoms with a
healthcare professional (others are experiencing life situations far worse than
mine). I have also always been unsure of how to begin discussing what I am feeling
(silly, I know), so I felt this forum might be a good place to start getting an
idea of whether others might be experiencing similar things, and hopefully
figure out a way to work through things together.

I don’t remember a time in the past year that I haven’t felt
both physically and mentally exhausted. I’ve found myself crying sometimes 3+
times per day, and experiencing these all-engulfing ‘episodes’ almost weekly where
I will feel so worthless and upset that I will shake, feel nauseous/get
headaches, uncontrollably sob, and feel hopelessly ‘trapped’ in my life and
myself. Often, I won’t even know what made me feel this way. I regularly end up
feeling physically unwell with guilt or worry over scenarios that haven’t even occurred.
I have always had difficulties getting to sleep, but now I wake often, regularly
have stressful dreams, and want to nap during the day. I have also lost my motivation for many activities I used to enjoy.

I’m a highly extroverted social butterfly, but over the past
year I have begun dreading (and trying to avoid) social outings, and I almost
always have trouble finding the energy to reply to messages, even from some of
my closest friends. I have always been able to pride myself on my social skills,
but lately it feels like every conversation has this bizarre ‘slow motion’
feel, and I feel a ‘distance’ from those I’m chatting with that I’ve never felt before.

I often feel worthless, useless, and a burden to those
around me. My family often make these feelings worse. Supporting them
financially and physically has been extremely thankless and tiring, and I’m
regularly berated for trivial things that I have no control over. These kinds
of comments grate over time, and I begin to wonder if I’m actually just a
terrible person after all.

I feel so far away from who I
know I am that I am desperate for any assistance that might help me begin to
feel more like myself again.

Thank-you so much for reading, and I look forward to getting to know
you all better! 🙂

Best Wishes,
K

[blondguy]

Hello Kotori

Welcome to the Beyond Blue Community

You do seem to be in a dark place Kotori and I am sorry that you feel this way. You are also supporting family financially and physically as well! Kotori I did see that you cant justify seeing a doctor as there are many people worse off than you. This is very noble of you but your health is paramount and cannot be compared to anyone else's. Everyone's situation is different in its own way just like yours is.

I have had anxiety/depression for many years and understand what you are going through. What you dont need is for any of these symptoms and thought processes to exacerbate not only for your own quality of life but as a carer/support person. Please see a GP as soon as you are able.

I was first diagnosed in 1983 with anxiety and began treatment immediately which did help provide some relief.

You are not worthless, a burden or useless in anyway. You are an intelligent compassionate and giving person.

I am not a doc Kotori but I strongly suggest that you see your GP today. A mental illness is no difference from a physical one...People just cant see the 'invisable crutches' we use. Its no different to diabetes or heart disease.

Please see a GP and let me know how you go..There are many very kind people on here that can help you too!

We do care...please get back to us

My Kindest Thoughts

Paul