I am a monster

[Englishjohn]

All,

I have been in many relationships initially unhappy for 18 years, but 3 beautiful children resulted from that time who now hate me.

I just broke up with a narcisstic woman, who continually put me down and ridiculed me, I probably deserved it I know I'm not a good man or person.

I'm trying to be so tle, be alone, but I've never done that before, and do t know how. I recently lost my job as well.

I'm trying to be a good person, I don't know how for many my life and experiences will be abhorrent to most people, I should be hated

I can't focus, find any happiness it took all my effort today to shower, go outside and drive after 7 days inside it scared me, I don't know who I am anymore

Please no generic responses see your gp, get help etc. Done all that before, drugs don't work, doctors don't give a shit, the system does not work, there is no community anymore the concrete keeps going up, we all live in it.

[blondguy]

Hi EnglishJohn

Welcome thankyou for being with us on the forums

I understand where you are coming from as I joined the forums back in 2016 after losing my job...health...Like yourself I had no focus not to mention zero happiness and a ton of anxiety and depression at the time. I did find out that there are kind people here that helped me....more than I could imagine and I am like yourself...a member of the forums EnglishJohn

The forums are a very safe and non judgemental place for you to post. I am only one of the many people that can be here for you. Sure we dont have an immediate chat facility yet there are many gentle people that can be here for you

I see a gentle person (yourself) that has spoken from the heart and good on you....that takes huge courage

Just from what you have posted and they way you have expressed yourself I dont see a monster or a person that should be hated at all. If you are stuck and need a voice on voice Beyond Blue have 24/7 support on 1300 22 4636

Im sorry that your doctors...medications etc havent worked for you EnglishJohn

Im Paul.....a long term anxiety/depression sufferer. You are more than welcome to post back if and when you wish. We are really good listeners if you need to have a chat

Good to meet you EnglishJohn!

[Dorothy1]

Dear EnglishJohn,

I do not know you and your history, only what you have just written in your post. You are saying that you want to be a good person, you are saying that you have created three beautiful children - I can't see a monster either!

You have just broken up with a narcissistic woman - that is what they do to you. bring you down, make you feel guilty for things you did not do or things you did not say! Make you feel like you re not worth it, that all the problems of the words are all your fault. They suck the life out of you! So after having been in a relationship with such woman I completely understand the way you feel!

You have had bad experiences with doctors I understand. I ve always thought, and it is exactly the same in every field, some are good, some are bad...

If you are not ready to try again right now, and you like reading, there is a book that I find really good and it will not "cure" depression or all the negative thoughts that you hold about yourself but it might help you focus on all the good things in you, you strengths rather than you weaknesses. "flourish" from Seligman!

All the best

Dot

[Matchy69]

I read your post and hear what you saying about doctors and the system and certainly get sick of hearing the response go and see a doctor and get professional help,it does not work for me.I am opposite of you and consider my self as good caring person and allways helping others but i seem to allways manage losing woman in my life from doing one thing stupid and then they think of me as some monster,psychopath maby i am i just dont know anymore.I suffer from depression and bad anxiety which seems to get me into trouble.I have found telling other people what i have done is a start.I feel for you what you are going through.

[Englishjohn]

Hi Bling guy, Dorothy and Matchy

Thank you for your replies and support, I do realise I've just come out of a destructive relationship and I can't understand why it's taking all my effort to block emails and messages and why I'd want to go back to that?

I haven't gone into why I feel like a monster, and I fear if I do I will be ostracized on this site that why I can't bring myself to go to a psychologist or meeting (not that I can afford it) I just have a large weight of shame on my shoulders. Ok ill say it i have been violent to 7 women in my lifetime.

I truly believe that seeing some Indian doctor who gives a textbook response, or a drug is not the answer. I'm lonely, isolated and yes depressed. I'm trying to change that.

On a positive note I'm taki g my daughter and her man out tomorrow and I'm seriously thinking of going to church this Sunday.

Honestly all Thank you for your time and replies it means alot

[Englishjohn]

Sorry Paul Blond guy! Just read it again and realised my mistake

[Des_Cartes]

Hi Englishjohn,

I'm new to this forum but I feel that you opening up here about these issues is a great thing for you to do. Everyone has things in their past they feel shame about. None of us are perfect. By your comment that you are thinking of going to church, indicates to me that you feel the need to connect or reconnect with something you sense may help. I would go with that feeling. Even if you don't continue with it, it could be a step towards rediscovering some positive meaning in your life, and a path to forgiveness - of yourself and others.

My very best wishes to you.

[blondguy]

Hi EnglishJohn

No apologies necessary...I make mistakes....several of them..I answer to anything... and thankyou for taking the time to reply to members on your thread too!

I hope you have had a reasonably good weekend 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul