How can I help my adult son ?

[Trac]

Hi everyone , I’m desperate and new .

I have an adult son that suffers terrible anxiety & now depression, his life has turned into a train wreck. He sleeps all day & stays up all night , drinking & smoking, never sees the sun . He’s put on so much weight & looks pasty .
the sad thing is he refuses to see this as a problem and just tells me to leave him alone , I’ve had multiple conversations with him . He will not seek help or acknowledge that there is anything wrong . His friends , sister & parents are all very concerned , his girlfriend of 10 years left him because she can’t see any future ( which is sad but I understand her reasons ) this is not new behaviour but lockdown has certainly made it worse . Should I do tough love ? Should I take the door off his room ? I’m scared to leave him the way he is , I can’t convince him to come outside for fresh air let alone come to the doctor with me .
Any advice?

[Banksy92]

Hi Trac,

I'm really sorry to hear how much your son is struggling and how difficult it must be for you and your family to witness. It can be especially hard when the people we love aren't receptive to our concerns for them or want to help themselves. But it's also understandably one of the hardest times to take care of ourselves, when we aren't at our best.

There are so many wonderful pieces of advice on this thread which I agree with. Shifting the energy in the house with music, food and activities all sound like useful tactics. I would add to this and say that if he doesn't respond straight away, that doesn't mean you should stop - sometimes just having the option there regularly can help people to gradually feel welcome and want to join. When you catch the right moment.

One other thing that came to mind from more of a 'parental' role was to suggest he take on 1 small task for the house as his contribution. To get him out of the house, perhaps he could do the groceries once a week? This gives him a chance to get out and move, but also to make choices about what he eats which could be exciting - or at least a respite in his mind?

I think overall, the main message from many others here to be open, caring and supportive however you can for him during this time will make the greatest difference. He's very lucky to have you.

All my best.