Hi new here, my experience with emotional wellbeing

[Catto23]

Hi There,

Sorry if I post anything not allowed in this post, but I'm happy to be here! happy to have this safe space to write down my thoughts about mental health, share experiences (and to low key vent). I found this forum a long time ago, a lurker and I'm finally posting. I have had a long experience with mental health problems or looking after my emotional well-being I guess... I literally didn't know it was a thing, ... for the longest time. I guess growing up in an immigrant family. Pretty much bottled up my feelings of grief (loss of a caretaker) and breakup (that I didn't class as a breakup) that pretty much sent me off the tracks a lot. I am feeling much more open to sharing these now... and emotional care is quite important to me now. (I have anxiety, and had depression)

For me, I have found finding a psychiatrist that listens and takes me seriously, and it has helped me greatly. She monitors my meds and has helped me direct me to see an appropriate psychologist (so many treatments out there, and varying types of psychologists! in my case cbt, schema therapy, ifs therapy etc). In my opinion fit is super important when it comes to matching with a psychologist. 

I guess what I'm working on now - and why I came to this forum, is that because of my life experiences I am I think experiencing distance from my emotions, maybe dissociation possibly? and unfortunately, it makes me feel like I am living a lie, cos I dissociated when I was 21 (and 10+ years have gone now). When I think of my emotions, gosh , how will I ever intergrate myself (my emotions and thoughts into one unit). I have a own life now, a boyfriend and trying to adult D:, but I have no idea if my emotions even know my boyfriend at all, hence the feeling like a lie bit, and hence the post

Thanks for listening to that rant, appreciate the space that this is. I will lurk and be a slow replyier if there is any, thanks

[therising]

Hi Catto23

It sounds like you've gained a lot in the way of self understanding. Such a tough gig at times, this self understanding business. So many questions too, such as

• Who am I?
• How do I tick or why do I tick the way I do?
• Why do I suffer so much at times?
• Why do I feel the way I feel or why do I not feel anything in some cases?

and the list goes on.

To find a great guide who can guide us to certain revelations, skills, strategies etc can definitely make things  somewhat easier. Someone to help shed light at certain times that can feel incredibly dark can come as a relief. I'm glad to hear you have a great guide in your psychiatrist. 'Alone in the dark (of depression)' can be such an intensely challenging feeling.

If it's of any help, I like to think of emotion as 'energy in motion' or you could call it e-motion. You can feel a particular type of energy moving through you and in some cases not moving through you. While we could feel a sense of 'joy' (one type of energy) moving through us or a sense of 'excitement' or a sense of 'inspiration' etc, there are times where the question can be 'What's the deal here, why can't I feel or sense anything?'. I've found the answer to be 'I can still feel and still sense. What I'm feeling or sensing is a lack of something'. Whether it's a lack of much needed revelations, a lack of dopamine, a lack of serotonin or oxytocin, a lack of soulful adventure or a lack of vision of the way forward, it can be far from easy to identify what it is that's actually missing. I've found a lack of the things I need in order to feel life running through me can definitely feel depressing at times.

[Catto23]

Hi therising,

I am sitting here thinking I appreciate your reply, thank you for taking the time to read my intro. I felt seen and it was quite helpful. Amazing you can tell that I am not knowing my sense of self too... But I thought about it during the week, and I think... I agree, the feeling can definitely in my case be a lack of something. So I went on my first 5k run today...

In my opinion, it's quite difficult I feel like to get me back on track with my life.. but I really appreciate the maybe personally walked through advice around low mood. I feel like it seems like on this site so many people are living with anxiety and depression, but it's funny how we all feel so alone, or just maybe I do. 

Hoping one day it gets better

[therising]

Hi Catto23

That's a huge achievement, the run. I admire anyone who can run that far. Even 1 kilometer is a great achievement for some. As a 54yo gal, it's been a seriously long time since I've run anywhere. I'm very much out of practice.

Feeling is such a strange thing. Having been on both sides of the fence, with the ability and the inability to feel, it's like living in 2 different worlds. While facing long term depression from my late teens 'til 35, I couldn't feel a lot of positive emotion throughout those years. It was almost like the volume was turned down on my emotions. I could feel at times what I imagine was a sense of joy or satisfaction or excitement etc but if I rate, from 1 to 10, the ability to feel I'd say it was somewhere around a 3 at best throughout those years. Even when having a couple of babies, I never felt positive emotions all that much which does make it a challenge to bond with babies. Not being able to feel a lot of positive emotions can definitely be depressing. Through the whole of my 20s, I drank to be able to feel anything. Not good.

It was after the birth of my 2nd child that I attended post natal depression group therapy sessions. This came to blow my mind wide open, while also leading me to feel life again. While everyone in the group was encouraged to contribute toward forming a list of personal traits on a whiteboard, I can recall thinking these are all my traits. Deep sadness at times, moments of anger, control issues, resentment, self hatred, a sense of hopelessness and the list went on. All of a sudden it came to me 'These are not my traits, these are the traits of depression. If this is not who I am, then who am I (without the traits of depression)?'. Then...drum roll...BAMM 'I have absolutely no idea who I am'. So, from 35 'til now I've been gradually figuring it out. In the process, there have been some absolutely incredible times and revelations and also some depressing times and revelations. Such is the nature of figuring out who we are and who we are not. Perhaps you're not someone who refrains from running marathons. The only way to find out may involve running in a marathon. Btw, my daughter's boyfriend ran in the last Melbourne marathon for the first time. After crossing the finish line after 42kms, he still feels that moment as one of his greatest achievements in life. He now knows himself to be 'a Melbourne marathon runner'. This is partly who he is. It was only the year before that he fully believed he was someone who was destined to suffer deeply for the rest of his life, given his Dad's passing at the young age of 50. He continues to develop himself and come to know who he truly is beyond his father's passing. Not easy, given how much he still misses his dad, one of his best friends. This young man is one of the most amazing people I've ever met in my life. Given the way he raises himself and others, I believe he's destined to be some form of life coach or guide for people.

[sbella02]

Hi Catto23,

Thank you very much for sharing your experience here, welcome to the forums as a poster. I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with your emotions. I agree with everything Therising has said about emotions, and I'm here to echo this advice with my own.

I'm glad to hear that you have good therapeutic relationships with your psychiatrist and psychologist. It's great to hear this has been helping you too.

I've felt that dissociation before - it's very strange to feel "nothing" when you think that you should be feeling something. I would argue that the absence of feeling may be considered a feeling in itself - while it may deviate from what we expect to feel in a particular moment, we still recognise that we feel empty, or feel numb. It's important to be patient with yourself and understand that this is normal, and it's generally in reaction to something or to many things.

Consider the concept of "burnout", for instance, where we're working ourselves so hard or putting so much pressure on ourselves that our minds enter this state of exhaustion and collapse, and our emotions can take some of that hit. It doesn't mean that we are incapable of feeling what we have once felt towards certain things - it just means that our mind is taking somewhat of a vacation or a break from the stress of whatever it is we're dealing with.

If you'd like to feel more of an integration between your emotions and experiences, you could try things like writing in a gratitude journal or just a journal. This can help you feel more present and grounded, and you may start to feel more emotions as you talk yourself through certain experiences you've had or are having. Watching powerful movie scenes or moments can also be good for inducing certain emotions too - there are lots of compilations on YouTube or other social media where you may feel compelled to cry at a beautiful story from a stranger, or feel joyful after watching an uplifting news story. These can be small ways to regain some of those feelings you may miss. 

You've also mentioned in this thread that you feel lonely. I've noticed this a lot on the forums, and even in real life. Perhaps it's a flow-on effect from the pandemic, or perhaps it's the influence of social media making us seem more connected to each other when in reality, we may not be. It could be a number of factors. Either way, I hope that the forums can bring you some comfort and support in a way that makes you feel less alone. 

I hope some of this can resonate with you, please feel free to keep chatting with us, we're here for you.

All the best, SB

[Catto23]

Hi therising,

thank you for the very detailed / thought out reply ! Sorry it takes me a while to form my thoughts. I liked you sharing your experiences, I guess sometimes you hear about other people experiencing things, but for me, it never really hits home until it's from someone I talk to one on one with. It was refreshing you mentioning the thing about the "sadness at times, moments of anger, control issues, resentment, self hatred, a sense of hopelessness", I could definitely relate. It just felt relieving someone saying it, I definitely feel a lot of those things, but I had carried a lot of shame about my feelings. But it was cool you mentioned that it had affected you at one stage too.

🙂 appreciate the reply, lol it's getting late at night, might continue later

[therising]

I found part of the challenge to involve not being ashamed of how I feel. If all feelings are telling, it's more so about trying to figure out exactly what each feeling is telling me. When feelings go from being shameful to being incredibly valuable, life can be experienced through a different lens. 

[Catto23]

Hi therising,

Back after christmas. Thank you for sharing your story, some of it really made me feel alright about my story, some of which I still have trouble facing/sharing. It gave me perspective I guess that these things can happen, and that a life can happen with these things like depression happening (I don't know if I have that for sure at the moment). Haha I guess this is not something you talk about when you meet someone in real life first time, but it's quite generous for you to share.

Did you find it scary for many years of your life feeling quite low, until the revelation at the post-natal class? It is encouraging hearing about your daughter's boyfriend, I guess thing turned around for him. It takes a lot of courage to face your demons, I guess going to the class and admitting you have to/want to change takes a lot too. I just wish things would go back to "normal", where I didn't have to face all this. Just got a c-ptsd diagnosis too =_= it's just been a bad dream I can't wake up from, but I'm trying to see the positive, I'm trying to move on.

🙂

[Catto23]

Hi sbella02,

Thank you for your reply, haha replied after the christmas period. Interesting analogy with the burnout, it gives me an idea that even though I haven't felt my feelings a lot for a long time, maybe it is a natural process... I have been trying to journal yes, sometimes you feel a bit silly, but I guess it's pretty natural. Yes, beyond blue forums have been really nice to write out my thoughts in a non-judgemental and neutral setting, and to talk to others experiencing the same thing.

Thank you for the welcome 🙂

[Catto23]

wow this is gold about the turning the ashamed of what we are feeling to what is it telling us 🙂