Hi everyone

Homebound · ‎14-08-2017

Just discovered this forum, wish I had sooner! Have been reading posts on various threads and it saved me this weekend, after another episode. I'm tired of what I've become, and I'm guilt ridden for what my beautiful son has endured because his mum is so damaged. I've just started unpacking all my emotional stuff, and the process of healing is hideous in itself. I blame myself for everything and find it hard to be assertive as when I speak up about an injustice I inevitably just get emotional and look like the crazy one. But not taking action just adds to my baggage from the past and swirls in my head. My diagnosis is Major Depression, dysthymia and Borderline PD was briefly mentioned in a psyche report by a psychiatrist when I was first hospitalised, but it was never discussed with me. I notice symptoms of ADD, lack of focus, unable to concentrate or learn new things, but I have no concrete diagnosis apart from the Depression. Any advice would be much appreciated on what threads to read especially advice about learning to be assertive and speak up at the time of an event rather than bottle it up and then explode. That's been my usual method, and it has destroyed the lives of both my son and I as it lead to me being misunderstood getting in trouble with the law in the past. Thank you in advance

Homebound · ‎14-08-2017

Hi Dory! I have read many of your postings today, kept me sane, thank you 😊 and thank you for the welcome and it feels good to belong somewhere for a change

Homebound · ‎15-08-2017

Feeling so teary this morning, which is pretty much most mornings. Left the washing on the line and now it's raining, I should have taken them down yesterday afternoon but thought it would be ok to leave them to dry completely overnight. Now they're soaking wet. I really feel like I can't do anything right, even the simplest of things. Then it triggers an avalanche of the stuff up my whole life is. I live in my head, have always done. I try to fix everything in my head, I've overwhelmed my mind with so many details that I've broken it. I avoid the difficult stuff that is coming up, because in truth, I still blame myself even for the wrongs others have done. Which makes it hard for me to pursue any kind of justice for myself and my son for things that have happened to us. I just freeze up, clam shut, my mind goes blank. So the injustice just festers. I've had so many doors slammed in my face that I just think why bother. It'll just go against me again, I'll get called crazy, unstable, violent because I'm angry, but I have EVERY right to be angry! So of course, I shut down again. It's a vicious cycle I'm in and nothing changes. I'm never going to be well enough to tackle injustices on my own, but there's no one to help me do it so I can be a little removed from what it triggers, which leads to emotional outbursts. And I hate confrontations, so that makes me a bit of an easy target. I don't know, just thought I'd get that out instead of it festering in my head as usual. I just want to feel strong and I want to have the courage to stand up for myself and my son without falling to pieces. Thank you for reading

Homebound · ‎15-08-2017

I did have a PHaMs support worker for a year, she didn't help me in any way to take action in relation to the injustices. I needed help by first being heard, my side of the story finally told, which it never has been. I've always been shut down like my story doesn't matter, only my behaviour. But my behaviour stemmed from abuse! Because I would just fall apart, I looked crazy and nothing I said is taken seriously. This worker would just sit there with a blank expression and I'd be an emotional wreck when she'd visit, I couldn't function because would just break down in tears. Her advice, to go for a walk, oh yeah, great, go for a walk in my small community and burst into tears in the middle of the street, that's a great way to not alienate myself! What I needed was for her to say, ok, what is the issue that your struggling with, let's see what we can do about it ie: write complaint letters to the relevant bodies etc. But nope, NOTHING! It was a waste, she really did nothing for me, she'd get me to fill out the requisite surveys for her employer, you know, tick off boxes, but my situation was not improving at all. And then one day, after a visit, she said she was going on maternity leave, I didn't even know she was pregnant. And that was that, never saw her again. She got paid for a year of so called supporting me and in that year nothing changed as a result of her support. And she was a mental health support worker! A lot of my depression stems from not being heard, I needed her to help me be heard as I still struggle to speak up and those things just fester inside. Now I'm doing it on my own, and it is so hard and is a long process as I start things, get really overwhelmed, then have to leave it until I can cope again, sometimes a month, two months later. I'm done with services in the community, they've caused me more problems to have to deal with

Evilnut · ‎15-08-2017

Hi homebound seems your doing it tough today that's OK don't beat your self up. That can be harmful but you seem like you are a lot further along because you have worked out your triggers that take controls of your mind. On this site you only need ask for some advice then try putting them in to practice. Do you have a kind GP that listens ask for referral to a professional in mental health. Were you can make a plan to help you ever day to over come problems hope this was helpful

Cheers evilnut

Homebound · ‎15-08-2017

Hi Wayne, thank you for replying, hope you are doing well today. This is my daily experience in life, always so tears first thing in the morning, still haven't discovered why. Been like this for years, even when I was an inpatient in a psyche facility. No professional there could help me shed any light on it.

I'm done with seeing GP's, my last GP shamed me for not working. I was in tears on arrival for my appointment, and she badgered me about not working, unbelievable, and she was apparently the clinics expert in MH ! My last therapist would just sit there as I talked, and then cut me off mid sentence to say session is over, and follow me out to make sure I didn't forget to pay. I'd walk out thinking, what was the point of all that?

Im getting more out of googling my symptoms and joining online forums to find kindred spirits. The aloneness of MI is a k i l l e r in and of itself. Which is why I joined BB, and so far it is better than any GP or therapist!

Guest_128 · ‎15-08-2017

Howdy,

I like you!

Got a story for you.

YOU don't need to be like this!

I feel your pain and it hurts me deeply.

Whatever professionals you are or have been seeing are not helping as you said.

The majority of us have been through many a professionals.

Whith out the right meds I would not be here.

I just want you to know that you are not alone with the journey of finding a good balance.

You are a good person,just keep swimming.

Dory

topsy_ · ‎15-08-2017

Hi Homebound,

There is a third reaction to that flight/fight response & that is freeze. It's the one that I always had. I could never think or defend myself & I always felt so hopeless & defeated. It actually helps me now though to understand that reaction.

My life has been a little similar to yours I'd say except I had 3 daughters whose lives I stressed out. The youngest is 34 now so we've had a bit more distance between those years & their adult years. I feel guilty but that doesn't help anything now.

I'm trying to cope better with my life & offer support to them when I can.

Just be gentle with yourself. You haven't deliberately set out to hurt your son. When we have a history of abuse we have failed to be shown/learnt healthy coping mechanisms. It's pretty difficult to learn those in a vacuum. My overwhelming memories are of feeling a fear so great I could taste it.

Wishing you well, Lyn.

Homebound · ‎16-08-2017

Thank you Dory! I was reading an article last night, about narc abuse, and it hit home re why I struggle with speaking up in my own defence. They attack their victims- scapegoats- at their core level, and when the abuse is persistent an ongoing, the scapegoat ends up riddled with confusion as to their inherent goodness. The narc essentially claims ownership of their victim, which happened in my case, my older sister ( 8 years older) eroded my self esteem and self worth to essentially control me. I looked up to her you see, she had me by the short and curlies, if I tried to speak up, I'd get hit and verbally assaulted until I went back into my little corner of hell. So I stopped trying to defend myself, I learnt it was dangerous to do that. Hence, when I speak up now, I brace myself to be attacked.

Bit early for this I know, lol, but I really am on a mission! I want all this stuff OUT of me. I want to be free, I want to live as me, and not via what others have done to me and said about me. I want to go home- hence, Homebound- like the Lion from Wizard of Oz, I need to find my courage again. My courage to live.

i hope you are doing well today, and btw, my favourite saying is ' just keep swimming' . I LOVE Dory 😇

Homebound · ‎16-08-2017

Hi Lyn, thank you so much for your reply. MI runs in my family, although undiagnosed. My mum was physically, mercilessly physically abused by my dad during their 20 year marriage. Us four kids witnessed it all, it was daily. It had a detrimental, lasting affect on each of us and we all are unwell. No one has the balls to admit it, that our family could have its own heading in the diagnostic manual! Instead, my siblings feel their abuse of me is justified as I was the youngest and stupid and weak.

My oldest sister felt it her calling to destroy me, when my mother finally left my dad, my oldest sister and my older brother to a lesser extent (only because he was in and out of jail) became our families primary abusers. My mum was a broken woman, she could do nothing to protect me, as she was afraid of my sister herself. I witnessed her bash my mum so many times as I stood helpless to do anything. My mum would go on these rants, like a crazy woman, the poor thing. I understood her though it was scary to witness. I can't blame my mum. My mum was killed by a drunk driver when I was 21. She never found peace.

I was always the quiet one, never got into trouble, was compliant, in reality, I was just scared witless everyday! So I slowly retreated into myself, and would hope to disappear. But, all that repressed stuff started rearing its ugly head when I entered into relationships. My 20's I was the walking wounded. I ended up having my son at 23 to an abusive alcoholic. I recreated my childhood with him, I couldn't believe history was repeating. I started to rage in response to his abuse, I went nuts!

In short, my angry years coincided with my sons formative years, and it also didn't help when he was bullied at school and schools did nothing to stop it. I was that kid again, watching helplessly my loved one attacked and too scared to help. That is, until I got angry, and my rage is what scared his bullies off. My anger scared me! It got me a bad reputation, gossiped about by hideous school parents. And in turn, alienated and embarrassed my son.

I'll leave it there otherwise this will become a novel!

Thankyou for your understanding. I understand you too and thankyou for your advice to be gentle on myself. I will try to be.

Evilnut · ‎17-08-2017

Hi H B evilnut was reading your post on the 17 th about being controlled this sounds very formidable. I had this most of my life going up not being a valued part of your family took me 47 years to control this challenge in self protection I stopped talking to them. As for professional help I just keep on trying as there are really good ones out there ask people you respect who they recommend less stressful. Plus you can go in with confidence.

Hope your day is filled with good thoughts.

Cheers evilnut Wayne