Hi Everybody

Skippie · ‎03-09-2017

Hi All,

I've been reading for a little while now and thought it's about time I sign up. I've suffered depression / anxiety for a number of years now (many years) and after being ashamed and too scared to ask for help, it was a recent episode at work that made me realise I can no longer live like this. The mask, or front, to which I have worn every day; and that I've become accustomed to wearing, has to be removed.

A friend asked me a simple question to which I rambled for the next 20-30 mins unleashing my brain on them - Please note I did not abuse them or anything, things I had bottled up came out. I can't keep doing this to them. I'm actually quite scared I'm going to push them away.

I should have seen the signs earlier when I snapped at a couple of people at work, one which resulted in me getting an official warning.

For me the hardest part of all of this is the pure lack of emotion I show towards anything. I don't cry at funerals, I struggled to get upset when a colleague at work had a family member die - there is just nothing. I know when something is sad or happy but I can't show it. All I want more than anything is to sit down with a cup of tea and ball my eyes out in a dark room. It's fair to say I haven't cried in years. What's the word I'm looking for... Apathy?

There is obviously a lot more to it, the above is just some of what I feel. 2500 words doesn't really come close to allowing me to say how I feel.

The one thing I've picked up from reading here is that I'm not alone and there are others who experience the same thing I do. It's what's encouraged me to sign up to here and say hi. I've felt alone and isolated for the longest time. I feel like if I wasn't alive that nobody would care. Even though people say they will / do, I struggle to believe it.

So, hello all!

Shrew · ‎03-09-2017

Hello Skippie. I too have just signed up and suffer from anxiety and panic attacks. Recently it has come to a head and I had a breakdown at work. I agree with you about the 2500 words. My background with dealing with my illness was drink and I became an alcoholic and I have a young family but I managed to get free of the alcohol and I am 2 yr 6 month sober nearly and trying to deal with anxiety and panic attacks. I started medication and saw a psychologist last week so I am hoping this works in dealing with panic attacks. Like I say I don't know where to start cos there is a lot in my life that has triggered the attacks, I have been strong at times but when I am weak I suffer immensely and living is hard. I hope to get something out of this site too. Sharing and hopefully helping if I can.

Meowface · ‎03-09-2017

Skippie you sound very self-aware and switched on to your own experience. Sometimes that can be more frustrating because we can't overcome our own thoughts or emotions which makes us feel even more anxious - and it can be a vicious cycle. I relate to feeling overcome at work in ramblings or losing it - there are a lot of moments at work that have made me realise I can't keep going on this way which is why I've reached out for help too. You are not alone - I find comfort in that from these forums. I understand the lack of tears and sometimes feel like an alien. Maybe it's my brain overthinking everything rather than just feeling things?

Skippie · ‎03-09-2017

Hi Shrew,

Thanks for your response. Mate, that is fantastic news about being sober for the last 2 years and 6 months! Congrats! I hate to admit this, but for me, only recently have I discovered drinking as a way to suppress the pain. I drink until the nervousness and anxious feelings go, then I stop.

You mention you have a young family. I'm at the complete other end of the spectrum in that regards. I'm as single as the ace of spades and in my early-mid 30's. For numerous reasons, majority of which is by choice as I don't want to go into a relationship feeling how I do. But it also has to do with a lack of confidence, self belief and a much longer list that includes worthlessness, too.

I've started seeing a psychologist in the last few weeks. I've got my mental health plan and I'm currently seeing her twice a week. I'm dreading what's going to happen at the end of the 10 vists... but I really don't care at this point to be honest, I'll probably continue to pay her.

Hopefully speaking with others who are going through what we are, we can both heal over time or at the very least learn how to deal with our demons so we can all lead fulfilling and safe lives.

Meowface,

You name continues to make me think how much I want a pet in my life. I keep coming back to cats... as much as I want a dog. I'm wondering if your name is another sign hehe.

Thanks for also saying I'm not alone. That's nice to read and made me smile. Your spot on about being aware of what's going on, it drives me insane! I'm an over thinker by nature so I can relate to how you feel 100%! The lack of tears and not being able to cry is sending me insane. I can feel like I'm about to cry, then nothing.

That's fantastic news that you also reached out for help. As I mentioned to Shrew above, hopefully chatting online with others we can all find a way to cope. In a world where mental health issues are still, for lack of much better words, are not seen as real issues, hopefully we can all take something away from being here.

Shrew · ‎04-09-2017

Hey Guys. I am glad that I joined this site now and I can see that there are some good people out there struggling like myself... Also I notice that all our names are related to animals 😉

startingnew · ‎04-09-2017

hello Skippie and welcome to the forums

sorry to wreck the theme of animals lol but i do love animals and own quite a few of them

im wondering Skippie if you recieve any professional help for the things your feeling like a psychologist?