Taking the first step ... Hi

[Kayjen]

Hi,

I am 34 and until now I have always just "put up" as far as I can remember I have always felt this way.

I moved into a toxic environment 2 years ago that caused my anxiety and depression to get worse and eventually causing me to drive away my partner of 16 years. I have finally choose to try to get help and I thought maybe even by being here and reading that it may it some way help me in taking the next step.

[White_Rose]

Hello Kayjen

Welcome to Beyond Blue and the forum. Congratulations on your decision to get help. It's not an easy choice because it will entail lots of work. I hope you will see the process through.

Everyone who posts here is battling/managing a mental illness and that gives us the ability to empathise with you and offer useful suggestions. We are very willing to help you as much as possible.

Next step. I presume writing in here was the first step. I suggest your first port of call is to your GP. Book a long, double or triple appointment. Tell your doctor what has been happening in your life. It would be helpful if you printed your post above and took it with you to show your GP. At the very least it will start the conversation.

Have you ever received counselling of some sort or taken antidepressant medication? These are often the first actions but it all depends on your doctor and what he/she diagnoses and prescribes. If you have taken antidepressants (AD) in the past it will be useful to list them and record how much they helped, or did not help. As you probably know, AD work differently with everyone and it is sometimes a trial and error process.

Having lived with depression, on and off, for 17 years I do understand how it can make a mess of your life. And I know there have been times when I've felt like throwing in the towel and refusing meds and treatment. Sadly it is very difficult to get well by ourselves. I now use all the help I can get and I find I am becoming resilient. A couple of years I was a complete mess for all sorts of reasons. Luckily I have a number of friends who help to support me and a fantastic GP.

Are you still living in that toxic environment? I'm not sure that I have got your story right. Did your partner leave before you moved? Not to worry if you don't want to talk about it.

Keep posting in and keep us up to date with your progress.

Mary

[Kayjen]

I have taken that step… He might refer me somewhere (His words)but still waiting on that. I don’t know if I was clear enough, I have never been good speaking and sticking to one point often jumping from point to point but I will give it a few days and try again. I will take your advice and take some notes printed.
No I have never taken anything nor talked about issues with myself to anyone.
I was always have had little to no social skills and would avoid people where I could, making it real had to make friends. I also had a diagnosis of Delayed Development Syndrome that at when I was tested 14 had almost every test at below or far below avg. (I have looked into it since as I am still lacking in alot of areas and I seem to fit Dyspraxia to a tee)
When I started to feel things getting worse I thought to myself “This can’t be normal” . I really started to investigate and came to this site, started reading and everything made clear. As a self diagnosis from reading the types and symptoms I would say that I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder, Social Phobia and Depression. Even by the checklist I score a 36. What confuses me is that I have never known any really know different. How can I get back to normal or know what's right for me when I have no baseline?
Yes I am still here. I am trying to get out but unfortunately it’s social housing so it's more hoops especially since I would need to get proof of my need to move, wait or go private. She left last week but I knew it was coming for awhile. I started typing out what has happened but it just got too long but we’ve had to deal with abuse, vandalism, obsession, physical assaults both victim and witness, death threats from murderer (acquitted on technicality but gladly admits it) we even had to deal with locating a next of kin of a visitor who died and later identify a body who we didn’t really know but we were all there was apart from drunks.
I guess everything got to us both … causing us to easily lash out at one another for no reason other than the stress of it all. Yes I would give anything to have her back in my life but in a way I am glad she is gone from this place.

[White_Rose]

Hello Kayjen

Thanks for your very informative post and for having the courage to tell us your story. It sounds like a dreadful place to live and a great pity you cannot get relocated. I am sorry that you and your partner have separated especially while you are living in such a bad environment. Is there any hope of a reconciliation?

Join the club for sticking to a subject. My psychiatrist used to get so irritated with me because I would go off at a tangent or make jokes just when he felt I was getting somewhere. His fault, he should have brought me back to the topic.

It seems to me that your most pressing need is a full diagnosis by a competent practitioner. Self diagnosis may be accurate in general but lacks the fine tuning of expert knowledge. It's the same with any illness, how can you move to getting well until you know what's wrong and get the right treatment. If you are going to see your GP again soon may I suggest he send you to a psychiatrist initially.

You could print out your posts or use them to make a list of symptoms as you did above, how you feel, what you can and cannot do. I think once your doctor can see all these events and actions in your life he will refer you to an expert. I also think this will be a cheaper option in the long run if you have a health care card from CentreLink as you will reach the safety net limit quite quickly. Psychologists are not recognised by Medicare except in a Mental Health Plan which only gives you ten visits per calendar year and there is usually a large gap payment.

It seems you have had these difficulties since childhood but they were not recognised or treated. Normal is when you feel well, enjoying your life, able to love and care for others and experience happiness and joy although these last two tend to come and go in most people's lives.

Ask your doctor if there are any support groups in your area. I think it may help if met with a group of people who experience a mental illness such as anxiety or depression.

Keep writing in . I look forward to your next post.

Mary

[Kayjen]

Hey,

Yep it is. I am going try to get out as I think that may help a lot. I highly doubt we will get back together and well our relationship was well.... lets just say that I am a younger(15years) than her and was always there until she found better, that has happened once before and now since this has happened I hope she can finally move on. that being said I am going to try to reach back out to her but I have to deal with me first.

So I went to see my GP and took up a letter that I typed up because I thought that was the best way to get it out. he asked me a few questions, the same checklist here. he refereed me onto a psychologist.

Thanks Mary. Even getting this out helped me to go ahead with it all.