Hello lovely people, I'm new here.

Jasperina · ‎03-05-2017

My anxiety seems complex through my many life events, yet simple if I just say that people are the trigger for that ' here I go again' feeling. Its so 'same old', just from a new source. I begin to question whether I attract other's disapproval, examining how I could behave differently to be less upsetting to others. Wondering how come I am so easily disturbed, lacking resilience and so easily wanting to curl up and cry. Feeling sorry for myself. Why am I so sensitive, I don't need an answer, as I know the world situation, my ageing mum with dementia, my kids who are busy with their own and don't bother, nor do I, and people who've added to my score of replayable traumas. Its me being human, wanting connections, scared of connections, rejection and rejecting. I'm sure the sadness will pass. I'll go on being me with my history and sensitivities, my replayable memories, my family woes, my social experiences that aren't always positive. This feels like self-pity but it came out of the blue, surprising me that I was perceived in such a negative way, explaining the cold shoulders. I seriously don't want such nonsense. I'll have to keep quiet and watch my step but most of all I just want to feel good about being me. I'm so grateful for the good people and the good days. Today was less good, I think I triggered other's intolerances and they triggered my feeling of being the target. I need to talk this over with them, see if I can heal the situation. Get myself motivated and back on track. I don't want to be medicated to feel better, its just when I start feeling anxious, even if I know the solution, I can't seem to turn off the anxiety. Maybe have a good cleansing cry. Thanks for this place to write and think.

james1 · ‎04-05-2017

Hey Jasperina,

I hope this doesn't sound like a cop-out answer, but I wanted to just highlight one of the things you said:

"Its me being human..."

I don't know if there's been anything said on these forums which so succinctly and accurately defines not only how it feels to struggle, but also why we struggle.

To be human is to be imperfect and feel those imperfections so very strongly. So to me, my troubles with attachment are indeed an issue. But only in so much as the next person's arrogance, or the next person's tendency to not put away the dishes are also their issues.

It just so happens that some issues are more painful than others, and often people don't understand that. Anxiety is one of those.

On the days like today when our anxieties are triggered, I find it best to have some kind of "safe" mental space.

That was my day yesterday and, like you, I wanted to talk to the person who triggered me. But I also realised I wasn't thinking properly because I'd been triggered, and my wanting to "sort it out" was actually just more of a defence mechanism to be reassured that they weren't going to leave. So instead, I waited a bit, listened to some music which is my safe space, then sent a quick, "Sorry if I didn't really listen before. Today's not been the best day for me, but we can chat about it tomorrow if you like?"

My situation yesterday might be different to yours, but it's probably worth considering as well. I think if we have a safe place in our minds, we can better learn to accept the feelings of anxiety, and learn how to properly react.

As for medication...that is there to take the edge off things. My experience is it's best to chat to your GP about whether you should or shouldn't be taking them and to be open about how you feel. I spoke to mine about my really strong dislike of seeing a psychiatrist so we're holding off on that for the time being. She hasn't taken it off the table, but she's listened to me and we have an agreement which I'm okay with.

Sorry about the long post. I hope you feel comfortable replying here.

James

Jasperina · ‎04-05-2017

Thank you for replying, its interesting how the stupid and even probably trivial situation has been latched onto by my internal hurt child. I'm pathetic, I need to just stop hurting over it and heal it when I talk to those hopefully new friends next week. I find the writing helps get deep into whats really going on, so that's good. I realise that we all have expectations that when not met cause some knee-jerk reactions, and I am responsible for my half of all relationships. I need to turn off the mental anguish because I can't do anything about it until next week and I know I'm only hurting myself by sadding over it. Its so good to have someone, even a stranger to talk to, who won't berate me for being still troubled, and expressing it, once again, and not just getting over it the next day.

james1 · ‎04-05-2017

You're not pathetic, but I can understand why you might feel that way. I do too, but the truth is that we're just really really hurt and afraid inside. That's often why we fixate and ruminate and come up with all sorts of scenarios in our head about what could happen when we start talking to people. It's very hard to just get over it the next day when it is distressing us so much.

If you don't mind me asking, have you ever spoken to a doctor, even a GP, about how you feel?

James

Jasperina · ‎04-05-2017

I asked my Dr.to refer me, and I didn't go. A year or more later I asked again as I'd had a further defeating experience. I saw the psychologist once, thinking I'd be sharing my feels, but he challenged me to prove my concerns, and set me homework about things I like to do that make me feel good. I did the homework and felt angry at his approach which was to move on, make lists, and do what makes me happy. I didn't go back. I've been fairly recluse since that time, lacking trust in people. I think that I can solve the problem with this person now. I still haven't resolved the previous dilemma that has resulted in my reluctance to go out in the local community. I've been attending classes in another town and enjoying company, building my dream to start a mini business. I'm learning a lot. I'm ok that my dog is going to die soon as she's had a good life and has started to stumble and have occasional fits. I'm ok with the idea of my mum passing when this happens as she has dementia with severe paranoia and the family are all affected. I'm fine with getting older and slowing down and feeling somehow freer nearing 60. I take really good care of my diet and health. I have little faith in medicine with too much knowledge of the pharmaceutical influence. Having thought this one through though, I really do like this lady and I understand her irritation with me. I'll tell her this and be more considerate as I can sense she has her own issues. I'll ask her to speak to me rather than talk about me with others. Walking in on their conversation, I laughed and made light of it at the time. Its all quite trivial compared to my other stuff. Just a trigger of alarms from lots of previous events where I was attacked. These sources of historic emotional pain are what I wanted to discuss with the psychologist. Anyway, it was lovely sitting on the beach today, and I have so many good things to look forward to.

blondguy · ‎04-05-2017

Hello Jasperina

Im Paul. I have had chronic anxiety followed by depression since approx 1983.

The forums (as you know already) are a judgement free and SAFE zone.

I joined Beyond Blue in January 2016 after being made redundant.

Just wanted to say I understand where you are coming from. This is a very rocky road to travel and Im still on it.

I have been involved in dog rescue for years and what you said about your dog really touched me....If you wish can you tell me about your dog? (If this is a bad subject please ignore it)

Just some background for you. I have been on SSRI's (small dose) for 21 years and I dont like any meds and cant even remember what decade I took a panadol

you are not alone here by any means Jasperina. Its great to have you as a part of the Beyond Blue Forum Family!

my kind thoughts for you

Paul