Hello - I'm new and complicated, I think?

[CrumbledKit]

Hello all

I am new here, even though I've checked out BB info in the past. I don't really fit easily into any of the forum categories that I can see, so I will just briefly say that I am depressed, struggle to accept things and complicatedly grieving. I suppose I am normally an anxious kind of person too, and I worry a lot/need to stay organised to cope.

A lot has happened in the past few years, basically a multiple-whammy of things, but in my mind, I am ok, or I should be ok, or 'it's not that bad, is it?'. At this point, I feel like I am coming unstuck.

Migrated to Aus in 2011, moved house 11 times in the past 10 years (in Aus and before moving to Aus), was burgled a few months after arriving, marriage troubles throughout (I think he had aspergers, depression, anxiety/social anxiety, and/or more, but there's no way of knowing now, and I did not know at the time), separation after 8yrs of marriage, grief/loss (separated husband took his life 2yrs ago), messed up/non-functional relationship x 2 in the subsequent time. Add to that, 2 soul-destroying jobs which I thankfully left, retrenchment, job instability, normal day to day life (which is actually ok!!) and yeah, that's me.

My mom and sister are still living in my 'home' country (my dad passed away in 2004), so the timezone difference is fun to contend with when I need a close supportive chat during normal day-time hours here. I have friends here, 2 of which are very supportive and understanding, they are almost like my adopted uncle and adopted sister.

I am healthy, grateful for everything living here, I don't take it for granted at all, so I should be ok. But I just feel messed up in my head and unable to feel happy or enjoy things. The advice I see everywhere is 'do things that you enjoy'... but that does nothing for me. Doing things I need to do, like chores, etc, are a drag enough.

I can't say whether I will post on the forum very much, but at least I've signed up 🙂

[M_j_]

I only joined yesterday too... I hope things get better for you and perhaps you will feel more supported for being on here. I know myself it doesn't take much to feel I'm 'bringing others down ' in real life so I'm looking forward to being able to be more open and honest here. Sounds like you have been through a lot 😟

[blondguy]

Hi CrumbledKit

Thankyou for having the courage to create your own post Crumble.

To be burgled just when you immigrated here is a major pain. There are many gentle people on the forums that also have (or have had) marriage problems too. I understand my partner was having mental health issues but she never agreed to see her GP.

Im sorry that your separated husband took his life recently. That would been awful for you not to mention his family too.

I hope you stick around Crumbled...you are no different to anyone else on the forums with feeling unable/happy to enjoy things. I hear where you are coming from

The forums are non judgemental and you wont be advised to anything here...If you dont want to do things that you enjoy thats fine. You dont have to respond to anyone about anything if you dont wish to either

This is your thread...and if you want to say anything you are more than welcome to do so 🙂

My kind thoughts for you CK

Paul

[CrumbledKit]

Hi M.j. - welcome too! Thanks for listening 🙂

Yes, I ramble to my mom and my aus-uncle a lot... he's been through a lot too. But I do feel like I can't really go into the intricate depths that I feel with anyone because I would be bringing them down.

I honestly feel like the 'down' I am feeling isn't morbid/depressed/devastatingly down, it's just realistic without the buffer of pleasantness. Life is pretty real, you know? But others wouldn't find it 'comfortable' and they'd feel like I'm bringing them down.

Sorry if that makes no sense %-)

[CrumbledKit]

Thanks Paul

I think for me, it's a slow realisation (still realising/coming to terms with it) that things weren't ok with him, I think he was always plagued with issues (not being judgemental AT ALL...) and I didn't see them for what they were. I thought he was special and precious and I guess I didn't have much relationship experience to see the signs.

His parents are pretty devastated. I know his mom is broken by it - she lost her son, her older brother and her elderly mother a few months apart - my husband being the first of the 3. She is confined to bed most of the time, absolutely worn out. She is such a gentle and loving soul, it hurts me that this has all happened to her. I feel such a deep connection with her, and yet also, our experiences of the loss of my husband are very different. We are still connected and I am endlessly grateful for the love I still share with them even after such a thing.

I have upped my medication dosage last week so I am riding out the 'weirdness' as I readjust to that. I do keep on with the activities I set myself to do, hopefully I will feel something about them soon.

I have also asked my psychologist to help me with this - so we are going to talk about the relationship pretty much from the start. I suppose I haven't been ready until now.

*hugs* thank you for listening