Hello and I apologise for being me

[Hoddie32]

Well hello!...I'm not really sure what to say or where to begin so I apologise for the ramble. That's the first thing you'll notice about me, apologies for everything, I even apologise for breathing (literally). I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety for nearly 2 years now but I guess I've been this way my whole life. I found this forum after a particularly severe breakdown/crying session. My partner tries to help the best he can but a lot of his solutions are "man up" "you're an adult sort it out yourself" and "it's not the end of the world". I'm hoping that as I'm with people going through similar issues you will all know that these do not help but instead make me feel even worse, apologise profusely and feel so worthless I'm in physical pain (or cause myself physical pain). So there I am crying my eyes out, begging for him to not leave me, feeling as small as a mouse and not knowing what to do. He's telling me to meditate when all I want to do is run into a black hole. I'm on medication, not sure its doing too much but absolutely kills my libido (which was already diminished after a "date rape" incident I won't get into here) - yet another strain on the relationship.

I'm originally from the UK and have lived in Australia with my partner for about 2 1/2 years. This means no family and limited friends, difficulty in getting a stable full time job and a lot of dependence on my partner for my visa, a place to live and at times money. I feel like a worthless leech giving him no benefits at all and just causing him pain. I try to voice this and he tells me I'm being stupid (I know it's an attempt to cheer me up but my mind twists it into another negative quality of mine to add to the list).

I'm not always this self deprecating leech, sometimes I have a purpose and some value. I  guess all I'm looking for is someone to tell me I'm not abnormal for not being able to "get over it". Any advice, small steps, tips or tricks to help me improve would be appreciated. I'm not sure if its depression, anxiety, homesickness or just a case of the grass is always greener but I thought I'd join the community. I'm hoping somehow I can help someone else and also feel a bit less lonely myself.

 Thank you for making it to the end of my ramblings and I (guess what) apologise if it's not relevant, boring or worthless.

[Paul]

Hey Hoddie32,

Welcome to Beyond Blue Forums. It's OK to apologise, it's OK to feel crap and it's OK not to man up. Depression and anxiety are a funny thing. They can make you apologise for things that are just part of being depressed!

Medication takes a while to work and yeah - goodbye libido. It sometimes comes back and it can also depend on how you feel - as you've mentioned. If you haven't noticed a change within a month or so, have a chat with your Dr. 

If I'm not mistaken, you're a member of the GLBTI community? Me too. There's a forum especially for GLBTI folks here as well.

I'm so sorry to hear of the date rape you experienced. If you feel like talking about it we're happy to listen. Please know that no one deserves that and it's not your fault.

There are some great resources on here for your partner to have a read of if he is interested. They describe depression and how to look after someone who is depressed. At the bottom of the page, "Supporting Someone" has some info. It's difficult for our loved ones to understand what it feels like and why when they feel a bit down their brains respond to "snap out of it" or "man up" but ours don't. It's because we have an illness, something we don't choose and it's difficult to control. To answer your ultimate question, you're not alone in this and snapping out of it would be fantastic, but... It doesn't work that way. It takes some work, some help and a lot of being gentle on yourself.

You've taken some great steps to reach out for help. A Dr, Medication and us here.

Keep being kind to yourself, have a look at the info about for your partner and know you're not alone in this.

Stay in touch xx

Paul

[El_Guapo]

Dear hoodie32,

first of all buddy I want you to give you a giant hug and to tell you that its ok to feel the way that you are feeling.

Do not man up, do not get over it and let your body feel. When your heart, spirit and soul have taken too much punishment your body will let you know, and you have to let those tears and fears come out. It is not that your partner does not care it is just that he has no idea of what is happening to you. This is a silent, torment with no visual concept that the other person can see or unfortunately (at times) understand. Not having someone close to you to share this with is a catch 22 at times you feel guilt because you are feeling so low but it is so reassuring to have someone with you who understands and will just comfort you and hold you while you cry.

I am 55 years of age and have stared at the precipice of hell controlling the moment of ending it all. That was long ago and thankfully I now understand the illness well enough, that this is never an option. Yes for the past two week I have suffered anxiety, tears and fears but that is caused by temporarily loosing my partner to her own mental illness and the journey she faces without me. My anxiety is my own fear of loosing the one I love. Not because I am not there for her but because she feels enormous guilt that she has had to leave me behind in order to heal. I will tell you what I tell her buddy. It is ok to feel crappy and lost, slowly you will work things out and as every day passes you will get stronger. It is a F###ing horrible journey and know that you are not alone and there is help there for you. Just let your partner know that inside you are being tortured and though he may not see it or understand it, to show compassion for the ones he loves.  Remind him, his words at this stage are abusive and in his heart this is the last things he wants to do to you. He loves you.   And during these times of pain my heart is full of love, compassion for all those that suffer.  Be kind to yourself buddy, it is ok and you can not help what you are going through.  All my love.    Mingo   AKA El Guapo.

[White_Rose]

Dear Hoddie

Hello and welcome. It's good to meet another Pommie, although the circumstances are sad.

Being away from family can be difficult. There is so much history in families, and hopefully good in your family, and we miss it when it's no longer available. Can you Skype your family? Not quite the same as being with them but close.

Medication can be a terrific help. It does take up to six weeks to fully kick in, so if there is no improvement by then go back to your doctor. All meds do not work for all people. It often is trial and error. But keep going because you can get enormous relief.

Constantly feeling useless is a symptom of depression. We all know it, so I had that reassures you. I wish I knew why depression takes away our self-confidence. We do know we are not silly people and we are quite capable of doing our jobs well, but the brain keeps saying we are hopeless. Just keep reminding yourself of your value and abilities. They have not gone away.

Your partner has a point about meditation. It does help the brain to focus on the here and now and brings calmness into our lives. Not an overnight fix and can be more difficult with depression, but stick with it.

Remember you will get well in small steps. That's something else which is not a quick fix. Most unfair. One thing to do is to monitor your progress. Keep a record of what is happening. We do tend to remember only the bad days, the pain and frustration. And it seems that we have never had it any different. So if you can make a record of your feelings each day, if only to record that it was good or bad, or write down the good things that happen, you can hang on to those thoughts when everything else is dark.

Being an adult has nothing to do with depression. Children become depressed also and have difficulty getting well again. The Black Dog roams at will. It has no preferences for those it attacks so do not blame yourself. Do as Paul has suggested and read up on this wretched illness. Another place to explore is the Black Dog Institute, also with great information. www.blackdoginstitute.org.au

As Churchill said, "When you're going through hell, just keep going."

Keep in touch. We are here to help and support you.

Mary

[CopingSince2012]

Hi Hoodie,

Just wondering if you've seen a psychologist at all? I had similar thoughts, and still do, but when I was doing Cognitive Behavioural Therapy with my psych I've developed a way to realise these are just bad thoughts, and not "real" if that makes sense. I'm freaking awesome and deserve happiness with the occasional crap day 😛

[aingeal]

Hi Hoodie,

Everyone above has given exceptional advice and I hope with all my heart you take some of the love on board.

I'd like to second what CopingSince2012 offered, see if you can hook up with a good psychologist who can offer additional support such as Cognitive Behaioural Therapy or similar. More and more psychologist are adopting the training in meditation and mindfulness as well. This will help centre and focus on the present  which can assist in centering and finding a safe place within yourself when the going gets tough. A psychologist will also help you with destructive thinking and provide you with knowlege and tools to use when you need to use them.

I would like you to remember as well, it is the illness speaking and giving you a hard time and can be overcome. Please consider seeing a psychologist to start building a tool box full of resiliance resources so you can help yourself to heal.

Big hugs to you 🙂

livelife xx

ange

[aingeal]

Hi Hoodie,

Everyone above has given exceptional advice and I hope with all my heart you take some of the love on board.
I'd like to second what CopingSince2012 offered, see if you can hook up with a good psychologist who can offer additional support such as Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or similar. More and more psychologist are adopting the training in meditation and mindfulness as well. This will help centre and focus on the present  which can assist in centering and finding a safe place within yourself when the going gets tough. A psychologist will also help you with destructive thinking and provide you with knowledge and tools to use when you need to use them.

I would like you to remember as well, it is the illness speaking and giving you a hard time and can be overcome. Please consider seeing a psychologist to show you how to start building a tool box full of resilience resources so you can help yourself to heal.

Big hugs to you 🙂

livelife xx

ange

[Scotchfinger]

Hoddie (not Hoodie is it?)

Let me just say that I like your thread title and love your post. I can relate to some of the guilt you're feeling. this current situation is a test for your relationship. Hope it works out. just want you to know that you're not alone. There are a lot of us who have to live with  undeserved shame. I have a feeling you can come out of this and feel much stronger one day. God luck.