irish angel

[aingeal]

Hi Everyone



I was diagnosed with Bipolar II (BPII) in 2012 after a suicide attempt. When I
came out of surgery the Dr & his best mate, the security guard, stood at
the foot of my bed & offered me 2 choices - voluntary or involuntary. I
took the 1st option & spent the next few months in

supervised care. 

18 months ago I didn’t fell I was progressing. The meds got me to
a point, was seeing a psychologist regularly, but I wasn't feeling as
stable as I felt I could be & the impact included not being able to
function in my role as a health & safety officer in the resources industry.




I sought a 2nd opinion psychiatrist who listened & then said "I want
you to read this", he gave me a large fact sheet on Borderline Personality

Disorder - what a page turner! At the next appointment I was in tears. The fact
sheet could have been my biography. He diagnosed Borderline Personality
Disorder (BPD) with BPII traits.



As with BPII I immersed myself in understanding of BPD, including treatments.
Prior to 2nd opinion I sought a clinical psychologist trained in schema therapy
- it was the best thing I did and in lieu of BPD it was appropriate move I
didn't realise at the time. A change in consulting availability with my current
psych I researched for someone who could continue with either schema or
dialectic therapy; I start my new sessions in a couple of weeks.



12 mths ago I began to open up on BPII, I wasn’t yet ready to talk about BPD
aspect even though it is the dominant illness. Though 2 weeks ago I spoke to my
sister about BPD. We had a good cry. She was stunned when she asked did I love
myself and for the first time I said to someone outside of a clinical
environment, not all the time.  This surprised her, as I'm seen to be such
a generous supporting person to others, how could I not feel love for myself. I
said to her, I hope I figure that out at some point.



All in all, I've returned to work successfully. I lead an active life &
plan things to look forward to. I went back to uni and am studying marine
science to couple that with my diving aspirations. Diving is my mental
yoga. I’ve come to own my mental illness instead of it owning me.
Sometimes it’s a battle of wills.



 I celebrate 2 birthdays – my actual one and the date I decided to live.

Thanks for listening

ange 🙂

[Guest_1055]

Hey aingeal

Hello and thankyou! I felt encouraged by your story. Very impressive.

I am assuming that the diving is deep sea diving, I have never done it, but I have wondered if it feels like your are in a different world when you are down there??

 Thanks again for the inspiring glimpse into a bit of your life.

 Hugs

Shelley xx

[geoff]

dear Ange, well depression throws everything it can at us no matter what other circumstances we're also facing or trying to deal, and when I say depression I mean all the different types it possess's.

A question which can be asked to anybody when suffering from this illness is 'do you love yourself', and I'm sure 9 times out of 10, the answer is no, or it could be even closer to 10 out of 10.

I put my hand out to congratulate anyone who has overcome their depression, but this doesn't mean that those still suffering shouldn't be forgotten, because whatever struggle they are trying to cope with also need a hand to support them and also congratulat

[Durras]

Hi Ange,

Thank you for your very inspiring post. I am one of those who hate themselves, hate looking at myself in the mirror. At home I rarely look into the mirror so with that I don't ware make-up and also at the hair salon I rarely look into the mirror or if they ask me what do I think I just say "yep it looks good while having a quick glimpse". I hate being around others as I feel ugly and don't fit in, always thinking that others maybe looking at me as if they are saying ("OMG look at her")

My husband is a qualified diving instructor and he has taken me snorkelling in the past which I enjoyed thou I hate things covering my face such as the snorkel and mask, it is like your in another world and it is relaxing so I understand as you say it is your yoga and relaxation. well it is relaxing for him, for me I am still trying to adjust to breathing through the snorkel. He says he can stay their and just float for hours, he knows how to work and calm his breathing while diving to get the relaxation of it. I hope I have described that correct.

Ange this past week I have been so extremely lost and low within myself I want to thank you for your truly inspiring post. I wish you all the best and please keep in touch with us.

Hugs to you

Durras

[aingeal]

Hi Shelley - Yes its scuba diving. I dive to recreational limits current which is 40m. I've been diving for 21 years now. I considered instructing a while ago, but thought better of it, though recently I been thinking ahead to retirement and what I'd like that to look like and the answer was 'water'. So instructing will keep me in the water, I get to show others the beauty in the ocean and hopefully some marine research on the side.

In all honesty, I don't want to retire as such, I maybe would like to slow down though and the above will let me do that. Well, that's the plan.

It is a different world when diving, it is very much a situational environment which pushes you to think about what I need to do now during each phase of the dive. Once in the water, the surface world dissolves and you are in another world. What ever is happening above the water is no longer on my mind. You really live 'in the present' when diving and with proper breathing technique, not only can you stay longer down there, you automatically relax.

live life xx

ange

[aingeal]

Hi Geoff,

 Yes the depression, which I was initially treated for from age 17 at various stages of my life, is part of my DPD / BPII. A bit of a double whammy.  I put me out of action once for 3 months, but it was a symptom of a undiagnosed greater problem.

For me it is the invisible and seemingly insurmountable wall in your mind that is between what you want or love doing and the motivation to do it. That still happens and when it does I ask myself - do I give myself the day off or do I push through.

It is also the extended sensitive weeping moments (I avoided soppy movies for years because I would always end up having a cry!) and the prolonged periods. I've just come out of that in the last few days. I think the trigger (and there usually is one with me) was that in the past few months my life has been very hectic and I had worn down pushing on. It just happened to land at Christmas time - I ended up in my GPs office for talk.

The self love bit is difficult. I have always put others before myself and in all honesty, I probably did that so I wouldn't have to deal with my own issues. I neglected myself for a long time. You know when flying the emergency instructions state to put your oxygen mask on first before you start helping others, I tend to think that way with my mental health now. I can't help my family and friends if I don't help myself first. I'll end up falling down. Been there done that, trying to avoid it.

livelife xx

ange

[aingeal]

Hi Durras

When down take care of yourself as you would another person you care about.

I self talk - out loud 🙂 I tell myself I'm OK and I will get through. I acknowledge what might be getting me down and have a chat with me to try and put objectivity on it. I speak out loud because if I find some objectivity in it, it's my voice still, but I'm hearing it, not thinking it - as if I was speaking to someone. It's not a quick fix and it sometimes does not have an immediate effect, but it gets me away from the negative self thinking. It ay sound a little nuts, someone talking to themselves but it slows my thinking down when I do it. May not be for everyone, but it helps me.

I started to refer to this as 'befriending myself' and what I mean by that is that l'd never say to a child or another person that s/he was useless and of no value and shouldn't be here, so why would I say that to me? When I'm down I feel vulnerable and unprotected, so I put my 'friend' face on to support myself and use the same tone as if I was speaking to someone in need.  

I back this up with seeking out one of my support nets - people I call when having difficulty picking my self up.

The mirror thing is something I understand as well. I would look in the mirror and think negative things immediately - it would happen at the first glance! I hate photo's and am still uncomfortable. My profile photo is one of a handful I truly like as it shows who I am under all the pain and sorrow that goes with the mental health illness. I am very critical of myself and photo's just highlighted all the flaws I'd see in myself.

I avoided makeup or trying to look nice as I didn't see the point either looking nice for the world and I wasn't good enough to do it for me. I changed that and started to dress up more, where more colours (dark colours was all I wore for a long time), put some make up on - if only to help me feel better. I don't believe make up makes a person beautiful, beauty is what is beneath, but I used it as a tool to support a change in my thinking (particularly with the photo thing) . There are days where I wont wear make up but it is more to do with diving or being out getting grubby and it isn't practical where as before it was because I didn't think I deserved to look nice.

 I don't have all the answers, these are things that work for me.

livelife xx

ange