Firstly to Acknowledge…

[And_She_Grew]

Hey there,

Stumbled across these forums and thought perhaps I needed to connect with people who may understand how I’m feeling.

I find it incredibly hard to convey that to people because I don’t want to seem like a pre-Madonna; but I’m struggling!!

I thought that perhaps if I just admit that to someone it would help start the recovery process again.

So thanks for listening, I really appreciate it 🙂

[HappyHelper88]

Hey And_She_Grew Thankyou for your post And Welcome,

Thankyou for sharing and opening up, we are all struggling, or have struggled at some point and thats nothing to be ashamed of
Congratulations on taking the first step and good luck with your journey sometimes you dont know where to start but take the first step and go from there.
Have you ever thought about talking to someone about whats going on? Just a suggestion

If you want to talk this through with a Beyond Blue counsellor, we’re on 1300 22 4636 or you can reach us on webchat. It can really help to talk things like this through. Please remember to reach out whenever you need to.

[Petal22]

Hi And She Grew,

Wellcome to our forums!

Sorry to hear you are struggling.

We are all a very caring supportive group of people in this community.

We are here to listen to you if you want to tell us more.

Here to chat

[And_She_Grew]

Thanks HappyHellper88 and Petal22

I am definitely not new to all of this. I just don’t have access to the treatment team I had previously and I am hesitant to start fresh because it just feels too hard.

I am also back working full-time and perhaps this added pressure is not allowing me the time I need to regroup. My resilience stores are depleted and I have a very short fuse. I’d say I’m living my life at a SUDS level of around 8 at the moment and it literally takes nothing to send me over the edge. It’s exhausting.

Constant conflict in the house with bickering preteens doesn’t help and my mothers guilt for allowing them to have too much technology fuels the fire. I know I need to talk to someone - it’s just finding that someone. And then having the energy to actually talk without sugar coating it.

I also know exactly what I need to do but again the desire to do it is low which makes me think I am probably a little depressed as well. I’m slipping back into avoidance patterns and just want to hide away. I thought maybe by saying it out loud on here that it will help create a shift and allow me a little more space to take the next step.

Acknowledgement was never really my problem - acceptance of where I am at is. Until I reach that point of acceptance I have a internal battle with myself that I’m ok - when all the warning signs are there that I am not.

Perhaps this will help…thanks for listening 🙂

[Pumpkinella]

Hi And_She_Grew,

Love your username, very poetic. And thanks for saying what a lot of people might feel without talking about. I think its a wonderful first step.

Sounds like you have a lot of pressure with full time work and pre-teen kids!

Remember you do not have to be a perfect in parenting. I know we know this but we have to remind ourselves to combat the guilt. One way to help with that is to think about how feeling a bit better would be much more helpful in the house rather than reduced hours on screen time.

Would you like to share a bit about what happened in the last recovery process up until now?

Maybe trying to envision what you would like your every day to look like might be motivating and help with the avoidance. Do you have such a vision?

I have an avoidance problem with building relationships with others so I know how it feels. It can be much more comfortable to stay in one spot - until its not 🙂 If it takes time for you to get there, that's okay too. Just one step at a time.

Here to chat 🙂

Pumps

[And_She_Grew]

Hey Pumps,

Once I found the right treatment team and had direction and time frames for recovery I was right.

I have chronic PTSD from 10 years in emergency service work. I spent 12 months in intense therapy, attended an outpatient PTSD program and in the end packed up and went travelling. This had its pros and cons but ultimately it helped me realise there was life left to live and that the world was a pretty big place after all.

I have been taking medication for the past 5 years that I still hate taking but I know I need it. I don’t want to rehash the past or delve into the trauma because I honestly don’t feel like it will help. So going back to a psychologist at this stage seems counter-productive and unnecessarily costly.

I know I need to try and calm my mind and allow myself time to sit still with my thoughts. That and create space so that I have the capacity to pause before I react or rather over-react.

I medically retired from my job to enable myself to live in a safe world - but with all this pandemic stuff going on my body sub-consciously thinks that it’s unsafe again. I know that this is a false statement but with all the mask wearing, media hype and over dramatisation of facts I am beginning to avoid going to the supermarket, eating out with friends or having any real contact with members of the public. Checking in with myself when I make excuses not to go somewhere are easy to justify when wearing a mask increases my already high anxiety.

This needs to be the first thing I tackle because it affects my family, especially when there is minimal food in the house and we are ordering takeout more often than I would like.

Work has been great for building my self efficacy and confidence again but I’m finding I don’t have the right balance. That and I think I’m using work as an avoidance strategy to not deal with perceived conflict at home. Perhaps it’s also a self preservation tactic because if I allow myself to really feel the love I have for my family it becomes too painful incase I might lose them. So in that case I am probably numbing out and disconnecting to save myself from future pain…..

WOW writing it down really does help figure it all out 🤦‍♀️

Aaahhhh I’ve got a lot of stuff to process!!

[Pumpkinella]

Morning And She Grew!

Thanks so much for sharing that. It sounds to me like you have done incredibly well given which I can imagine was pretty long-standing traumatic experiences. I have heard about trauma in emergency services and it sounds full on.

I completely understand not wanting rehash the past as well. My new psychologist doesn’t go into the past and I looked for one specifically so that I didn’t have to do that anymore, because like you, I feel like I’ve said it enough times – there is really not much more I can say about it!

Its really good that amongst all this confusion you are able to identify what the priority stressor is (being able to feel safe when leaving the house).

I think when it there are a lot of factors to consider its always good to just start with the thing that is affecting you the most and focus on that. Then you find so many of the other issues fall into place.

It sounds like you deal with these stressors using something like mindfulness, is that right?

Are you watching a lot of news coverage/news on social media? I found tuning out has been really helpful for my anxiety – the constant barrage of sensationalised coverage is so exacerbating.

Remember whatever the shortfalls you are doing really well. I love this old zen Buddhist saying: 'Awkward in a hundred ways, clumsy in a thousand, still I go on.' I think its just really nice it's good to remember our resilience.

Here to chat.

Pumps