Desperate to feel normal again

[Beatit]

My first post. Have been suffering anxiety and insomnia for years. Try to do all the right things. Had been on medication for about 7 years which helped a lot. Came off around Oct last year because I thought I was doing well but declining gradually back to a stressful state. I have removed some stressors in my life to help, I exercise, eat well, little alcohol and caffeine, have a supportive husband, although his snoring doesnt help the sleeplessness. Kids doing well. Elderly mother whose health is failing but good family network is helping so I don't take a lot of burden there. Can't figure out why I'm like this. Life is good except this illness. Am getting help from a few sources, and I read a lot of self help stuff. This forum looks awesome. I was on one when had marriage issues years ago and it was an amazing support to me. I reach out whenever I can. So i just don't get it. What's wrong with me?

[Beatit]

Back to feeling anxious and agitated and wanting to lash out at people that I believe have hurt me. Had a good few days then bang sleepless nights, teary, worrying, fighting negative thoughts. Looking forward to feeling better again soon.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beatit

Sorry to hear you have taken a few backwards steps. Try to take this as part of the journey rather than a failing. It happens to us all, even those who do not have any anxiety etc. It's part of being human. Sorry about that comment. I try not to be trite or obvious but sometimes it's so true.

Sleepless nights really are the pits. Unfortunately it's not only not sleeping, it's the ongoing effect on the rest of the day and night and day etc. Until we evolve into beings who do not need sleep we must have our 6-8 hours a night. Do you have any ways of getting back to sleep? I think it's probably what's been happening during the day that causes the sleeplessness but it's not much help when you want to sleep.

My GP gave me a suggestion about getting back to sleep. She said I should stay in bed, not watch TV or read or do anything that is stimulating. Instead lie in bed and reconstruct a book you have read. Start at the beginning and work your way forward. Put in as much detail as you can in the appropriate place. You can reconstruct a film if you prefer. The idea is that you put all your concentration into this and slow go through the plot. I found it quite good and I do go back to sleep. Make sure you are warm and comfortable (or cool and comfortable) before you start. No good starting to doze off and realising you need a bathroom break.

That may address the immediate sleep problem and help you to feel better but it does not affect the underlying problem of why you are getting distressed. Have you had a chat with your GP about seeing a psychologist? I think it may help you to talk to a civilised psych who is there to help. I notice you want to move on when you have found a reason for something that upsets you. That's great. However you do need to be sure you have explored all the consequences.

You mentioned to Annie above about the counsellor yawning and said, It was a number of years ago but I've never forgotten. It was an action that made me feel worthless. Must move on, now I've verbalised it, so to speak. I wish it were as simple as that. You carried that particular event around for a long time which shows how very upset you were. Simply telling someone may not be enough to send that particular hurt away. Am I making sense? You said you felt worthless and that is not good and shows what a huge impact that situation had on you. Understanding the effect and then moving on is where a psych can help.

Hope I have helped.

Mary

[Beatit]

Thankyou White Rose I tried your suggestion but I still couldn't settle. Im just agitated, i feel it in my body and on my skin. I am thinking about seeing my GP again to get back on medication, which I've been resisting. Maybe I'll also try a counsellor again but I am workingt on turning my thinking around, and I'm doing an online therapy course which is teaching coping strategies so I am tending to use phrases like move on so I'm not dwelling on negative thoughts and practicing the skills I'm taught. It's not an easy fix and takes time and practice for it to become natural. Thanks for the chat. Hope you are doing well.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beatit

Glad you are considering returning to your GP. I do get it about meds. I refused for a long time. When I finally agreed I did not get much relief as I had all sorts of side effects, some very scary. Eventually I tried a medication from the TCA group. It was good. Makes me a bit sleepy so I take it at night and all is good. Meds will not cure you. So why do we take them? They do help to keep us together and reduce some of the anxiety etc. In other words the physical aspects which are important.

When I first saw a psychiatrist I had no real idea what I was supposed to do and what he was supposed to do. I really thought it was a case of taking some medication for a short time and all would be well. Much the same process as taking an antibiotic for an infection. I could not have been more wrong. I can chuckle at my naivety now but at the time I had no idea about mental illness or how to get rid of it.

When the psych asked me questions about my past I used to get annoyed and said, "The past has gone, why do I need to talk about it? I cannot change anything". He would reply, "You need to understand what happened". It still took me a long time before I finally understood what he meant. In my defence, he was not good at explanations. He tried a bit of CBT but I was still stuck about the necessity of this. I now get that I need to understand my past though that does not make it easier and that meds can keep me better balanced while I learn.

The past five or so years have been hard due to a number of bad experiences and they still catch me out at times. So stage three for me, meds, understanding the process and finally learning to implement management of these difficulties in my life. It's been a long and very hard journey for me. I want to say relief does not come easily but you can get there. Please resist the urge to rush ahead too fast. Learning needs a time of consolidation in order to be successful with the next bit.

Sorry to go on about my own life. It can be helpful to learn about the experiences of others which is why I have written this. It's not meant to say I have all (or any) of the answers. So while we are all unique we do have similarities which help us to walk together at times.

The sleeping tip does take a bit to get used to so continue to try it.

I am OK at the moment. Thanks for asking.

Mary

[Beatit]

Hi Mary, thanks for your support. I have made an appt to see my GP to talk about more treatment options as i had a difficult couple of days and decided I couldn't function like this. Last 2 or 3 days I've been good again so am again thinking I might be able to manage without meds. I don't like this roller coaster ride but I guess recovery is full of peaks and troughs. Hope you are well.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beatit

I think you can go through the rest of your life deciding to try medication then deciding you can manage without it. It takes a lot of energy trying to solve these matters and it's energy better spent getting well. Whether or not you take an antidepressant is your choice. No argument there. What I would like to suggest is a full and frank discussion with your doctor. Perhaps you can prepare for this by writing down what you see as the disadvantages of medication. Include your feelings about it. You need to put all your cards on the table to help your doctor understand your reluctance.

For me it was the belief that I was inferior in some way, a pathetic person who needed meds to cope with life. Well we do not think like that with other meds so what is the difference? Again for me it was the knowledge I was taking them for a mental illness, depression, and the world did not take kindly to crazy people. Well we know none of that is true and I eventually came to see it also. Not sure of your reasons so will not try to guess but I think you will find it useful to write about this and work out what causes your uneasiness.

It's still your choice but maybe it will be from a more informed perspective. I am not urging you to take meds. I do believe you need to clarify your reasons, find out how many are valid. For example many people believe they are addictive, will make you put on weight, turn you into some form of a zombie. I also believe that your aptly named roller coaster ride needs to stop and allow you to get off. All your attempts to get well are being sabotaged by this ride as it sucks up all the energy needed to get well.

Anyway I have preached enough. What do you think of my suggestion?

Mary

[Beatit]

Hi again Mary, I can relate to your reluctance, I feel the same and also shame that I am not stronger. Anxiety and mental health issues run in my family and I have been aware for years of the need to take care of myself. I had resigned myself to being on medication indefinitely, even though some side effects bothered me a little, I knew I was on some pretty powerful stuff when if I forgot to take it for one night I would wake up feeling like I had been hit by a bus. I had the need to renew my script at one point and because my dr was out of town, i had to see another dr. He looked at my file and said ..YOU HAVE BEEN ON THIS MEDICATION FOR A LOT OF YEARS, have you ever thought of coming off it. Well at that time i was well, enjoying a very fulfilled life. I have always been into sports and was very actively involved in a sporting club having the time of my life travelling, competing and making great new friends, working as much or as little as i wanted, husband who was happy to support all these things, great kids making their own way through life, trips on the horizon, what did I have to be on meds for, life was truly a blessing. So I spoke with my GP and weaned myself off.

Almost 10 months later and the rot has set in. Relationship struggles, not husband, we've been there done that and things good with us I hope, left my beloved sporting club due to conflicts with members, other struggles with people I thought were friends, and estranged from beloved sister who also has mental health issues. Mother, also with mental health issues needing care, but gets abusive and lays on the guilt trip. Lucky I do have sisters who support here. I haven't done so much, because I've been too scared to get dragged down, so have been on the perimeter offering support to sisters mostly.

So I guess my reluctance to be on meds is mostly due to my need to feel I should be able to cope given the wonderful life I have been blessed with, as well as my need to be healthy and active and avoid medication if possible. It's a combination of things really I guess.

I will speak to my GP, he knows me very well. I sincere,y appreciate your concern Mary. Take care.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beatit

Thanks for your reply. We do have fun beating ourselves up over these matters. "I should be stronger" figured largely in my dislike of meds. I was talking with my GP a few days ago about pain medication. I have hurt my back and was feeling quite sorry for myself. The GP was happy to give me some pain relief and we talked about when I had pain and how long it lasted etc and then he decided the most appropriate medication. All very civilised.

He also talked about the need to keep the pain under control and what break through pain meant. I found the whole conversation quite enlightening. I commented about a friend a friend of mine who had pancreatic cancer and who had sadly passed away some time ago. She was refusing to take pain relief because the time may come when she needed more relief and perhaps she would have become so accustomed to the relief that it would not work any more. I have to say I was gobsmacked. She was putting herself through this pain just in case it got worse later without considering how pain relief worked if taken properly.

My GP explained that taking the meds regularly prevented or at any rate reduced the severity of the pain. Taking it when she was already in pain was not as effective as keeping the pain under control. I knew that at the time and tried to explain this to her but she was so afraid she would be without relief later when the pain worsened that she put herself through unnecessary pain. In the end it was this that persuaded me I needed to take an antidepressant. I could see that regular amounts of an AD were better than trying to dose myself up at those times when the world looked at its worst. In fact the world was less likely to be so bad if I took the meds regularly. It certainly gave me something to think about.

I do feel taking meds regularly is more effective than only using them when we feel bad as it does keep the bad stuff under control. It seems a shame you were encouraged to stop the meds at a time when your life was settled and productive, though I can understand why and quite possibly would do the same. I hasten to add I am not particularly in favour of taking any medication which is unfortunate at the moment as I take several different medications as I have myeloma. I would not even consider stopping this medication because the myeloma will simply have free rein.

This is some food for thought. Sorry to take up the whole post with my story but for me it illustrates the dilemma we have.

Mary

[Beatit]

Hi again Mary, I am really sad to hear of your Myeloma. Is that something that has set off your anxiety and depression. It is a lot to deal with. What is your chance of recovery? I hope it is manageable for you.

[White_Rose]

Hello Beatit

Thanks for your post and good wishes. Myeloma is not curable but the treatments will keep it under control. It was a bit daunting at the start but now I understand it better and know what to do it's fine.

It was a bit confronting to learn I had this condition but in a way It's good. I have found myself consciously making decisions on what I want in my life. I have not stopped much but will not take on any other 'jobs'. There are things I want to do and I had a rueful laugh at my ambition to complete all my embroidery projects. I think I will need a couple of lifetimes for that.

I'm not anxious about this condition and the reality is we will all die at some time. My depression was triggered about a year after I left my husband. It was a huge shock to be living on my own but I managed and very much enjoy being by myself. I have family and friends and some volunteer work. I stopped going to my book club as I have lost my taste for fiction. Too many other books to read which I find more valuable. And of course posting here is important to me. It gives me a great deal of satisfaction to support those who are on the same or similar journey I have taken. I feel I can relate better to those who write here.

Have you managed to chat with your GP? I hope together you can settle this issue. As I said before it takes a lot of energy being on the on-again, off-again roller coaster. Unless the AD itself has difficult side effects making you uncomfortable in some way and it has proved successful in the past I think I would start again. I'm not keen on meds as I have said. I once told my boss I felt that I had the words "I see a psychiatrist" tattooed on my forehead. Like you I felt ashamed of myself thinking I should be able to cure myself.

The reality is we usually need help when we are unwell. I had the 'flu this week and felt quite unwell. Went to my GP and told him I thought I had the 'flu and he agreed. Feeling more human again and back to posting here. Well at least a few posts as I still get a bit tired. It's OK to admit to myself I feel unwell and take life easy for a few days.

I suspect when we have depression etc we know it's not going away quickly like the 'flu. Instead we need to pay attention and work on putting ourselves in the best position. If you feel better by taking an AD then why not? It is like someone who has diabetes and most take meds every day. I find it easier to look at it in this way.

Mary