Depression looming

[Bluemoon]

Hi everyone, this is my first post. I’m grateful to be here on this website. Over the past month roughly things have taken a turn for the worst for me. I don’t have the words to express it. Once the days got shorter, the nights longer every thing changed. I have Bipolar type 1 so I can’t take antidepressants from bad experiences. This scares me a lot. I keep giving myself a hard time with a huge inner critic. On the bright side, I have a son who is in preschool I try keep strong for him. I’m a full time uni student and I have been at it for 4 years (part time) when my little guy was younger. Still have 2 years to go… it feels like forever to go still. I feel like there is a pressure on my chest, my jaw is often clenched. I am a mess right now! I have told my mum a bit about what’s going on- she’s supportive but there is not much I can do to help myself. I practice mindfulness, I walk when I can, I see a psychologist , I take my meds and try to be positive. Any suggestions for this exhausted soul are greatly welcomed. Thank you if you read this. 

[Croix]

Dear Bluemoon~

Welcome here ot the Forum, I hope you find the help you need here. There are many who may be in similar situations if you search around, and how they coped might help.

The one thing I will say is htat you may not be attributing enough significance to the stage you have reached in your uni studies. I taught there for a long time and found that 'study fatigue' tends to become prevalent around years three or four (even part time). You have used up a lot of enthusiasm, made a great effort and worked hard -and there is still more to go.Sometimes a study group can help refresh matters.

At the same time I'd be surprised if the work you have to do at home has not increased too.

You are already doing a lot of sensible things, its a great pity your condition does not allow some medications, though perhaps there may be others which might substitute -may I ask if you have talked this over wiht your doctor?

It is great to have a supportive mum, is it possible she might be able to give you a regular hand with your tasks at home, simply to take a little pressure off you?

One place here you might fund useful is a very long thread called "This Bipolar Life" started a long time ago by my friend Kazzl (who is no longer posting). It is VERY long but if you skim though it you may find ideas, or more recently people to talk wiht.

To cope with all you have in your life, an offspring, Bipolar plus study you are doing an exceptional job.

Croix

[Keats]

Greetings Bluemoon,

I am sorry you are going through a rough time. It seems you are also feeling quite anxious about the future. Yes, the short days and long nights can be difficult to adjust to. I myself also felt the change quite suddenly - where did the long summer days go to so fast? If you can, try to spend time with friends, or those closest to you. Darkness and long nights are best endured in company, in my estimation. Too difficult for me, but perhaps rising at dawn and going to bed early may help you get the most of the day's light.

I too have a censorious inner critic, which makes life very difficult indeed. I am still too afraid to read the reply to my first and only post - imagine! From what I have read, though, coming to terms with our critical, judgemental inner voice is a long journey. Hang in there! Mindfulness and meditation really does help, so try to keep at it.

Also, try to be kind to yourself. Feel some compassion for your own struggle. Perhaps, do something you really enjoy, just for yourself. It seems you are very sensible, and are doing all the right things. University can be very challenging; it was for me. And everybody's journey is unique. I myself dropped out at the final stretch due to mental ill-health; I still hope to get back and complete my degree one day. Take some of the pressure off yourself - we'll get there eventually, however long or circuitous the path. The main thing is to bravely face the days head-on, and with a touch of positivity. I hope that doesn't sound too mawkish! Oh, yes, and raising a child is a challenge unto itself; quite the achievement juggling two demanding tasks. You deserve to be proud of yourself. I hope you enjoy your studies, and I hope my advice isn't too terrible - I sure am no expert. Thank you for being my second post.

Take care!

[therising]

Hi Bluemoon

I hope Keats' and Croix's supportive posts have made some positive difference to you. With their mention of both negative and positive triggers in the way of mental health, I also hope their personal experiences and insight (especially with uni) offer you some much needed revelations.

When it comes to mental health and life challenges, I've found next level challenges require next level strategies. I've found those who suffer through mental health challenges become 'collectors of strategies'. It's kind of like how you can start off with a basic strategy, maybe like deep breathing, just to get through stressful times. Then, when the stress becomes greater, the deep breathing strategy is no longer enough. Something like mindfulness strategies are added to deep breathing. Then something seriously depressing may begin to ramp up, so deep breathing and mindfulness strategies alone no longer cut it. Some new strategy needs to be found and added to the basket or collection. And on it goes. While it doesn't feel fair at times, how much we struggle while others kinda cruise through life, at the end of the day those with mental health challenges can have far more skills than others (in the way of self understanding and self management).

The harsh and brutal inner critic is one of my least favourite facets of self. I'm a gal who' not a fan. While everyone manages that part of themself in different ways, the challenge does become about managing it strategically. While I've met someone who gave their harsh and brutal inner critic an actual name, so they could address it by name, I've met those who have addressed it in other ways. There's actually a good book called 'Insanely Gifted - Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel', by Jamie Catto, which addresses the inner critic. Great book. Myself, I like to look at facets of self as kind of like an old style wagon wheel. With our core sense of self in the middle as the hub, all the spokes are facets or elements that stem from our core sense of self. One spoke could represent the inner critic, another the adventurer, another could be a caring element, another represents the inner sage and the list goes on. So then it becomes about 'Which part of myself do I need to channel under the circumstances?'. A new strategy that requires a strong imagination. While basic guided meditation used to be something that helped me manage my mental health, a new strategy involved guiding myself through my imagination while I meditated on meeting with the sage in me, who kind of looks like a cross between Dumbledore from Harry Potter and Gandalf from Lord of the Rings. It becomes about chatting with that part of myself. For example, if I was to ask the imagined sage in me 'How do I manage that b*****d known as my inner critic?', what may come to mind could be 'It's an attention junkie. It thrives on attention and just loves taking you down into what feels like hell on earth. The challenge is to shift attention away from it so that it loses the ability to have an impact on you'.

I've found every element of self has a trigger. While some sense of perceived failure may trigger the inner critic, a magazine picture of a beautiful beach may trigger the adventurer. Images of children suffering in a 3rd world country may trigger the deeply loving compassionate carer or nurturer in us (that pushes us to donate to a good cause), a self loving aspect may be triggered when passing by a massage place. With that last one, what may suddenly come to mind is 'You need this and you deserve it'. Cue the inner financial manager, 'Can you really afford it?'. Our inner sage may wisely suggest 'Can't hurt to simply go in and inquire, for a start'.

[Bluemoon]

Dear Croix,

Thank you for welcoming me to the forum. I was nervous about how it would go but the responses have been helpful and caring. I will search around the forums I can already see some people in similar situations. 

Yes! Study fatigue makes a lot of sense to me. Great idea with the study group, I am on an online one. It might be time to find one in person. 

You may definitely ask that, I saw my GP today and he said to talk to my psychiatrist who I see in a month's time. 

I will go to “this bipolar life” thread after this thank you so much. 

I really appreciate your comment it is very supportive. It has helped me a lot. Also, thanks for saying I’m doing an exceptional job, much appreciated. I wish you all the very best. Take care and thanks again. 

[Bluemoon]

Hi Keats,

Thank you for your thoughtful comment, it means a lot to me. 

It did feel sudden the change of season. Going to bed early sounds like a great idea. I’m up a dawn with my son but often don’t go to bed early. I’ll keep an eye on that so thanks. 

Indeed, the inner critic makes life so much harder. Ok, I’ll keep up the mindfulness and meditation. 

Being kind to myself is something that I find difficult- I must work on that I’ll keep on going. I really enjoy painting and drawing although I haven’t been doing it so this weekend I’ll make a point of doing it again. Thanks.

Thank you for your openness and honesty yes uni can be very challenging. I’m sorry to hear you had to drop out but I’m so glad you out yourself and your mental health first. Well done to you. Like you say you can always go back and finish if you want to. 

Bravely face the days head on with a touch of positivity - sounds like a plan to me. 

I can’t believe I’m your second post I’m so honoured. Thank you so much for all your help. Take the best of care. 

[Bluemoon]

Hi therising,

They including you have made a positive difference thanks heaps. I wasn’t sure what to expect and was a bit afraid of being judged but everyone has been so kind and lovely. 

That’s a wise observation, I know I collect strategies (and books) to try and help my situation. You are so right, strategies change with what is going on. I think I am ready for some new strategies so it’s great to find a place people share what works for them. 

I hear you! I’m not a fan either! (of the inner critic). I’m definitely going to give mine a name. The book by Jamie Catto sounds amazing. Thank you for sharing your wisdom. Including, the wagon wheel I can imagine it in my mind. The inner critic does love attention and mine gets plenty so I’m going to change that as of today. 

A thousand thank you’s for taking the time to write this. It has made a difference in my life. Take care and enjoy your afternoon.