Creator of the Situation

[Brisso]

Hi there,

I'm in a tough spot where I've put my marriage and my family on the line.

I love my wife but our communication has been bad and I have lost her trust.

Over our 20 year relationship I have gone to some strip clubs, watched dirty vids etc, took a small amount of drugs and snuck around hiding it from her. I thought it was small and innocent and it was very, very infrequent but the hurt I am putting her through is unbearable. She has always been suspicious because of my behaviour and has strongly held on for 20 years and it has all come out. A few months back she approached me and I told her half the story and things went back to being great and she went cold on me and approached me again and I told her the full story. I struggled to tell her as the shame and guilt and fear of losing her was unbearable. I have also had a bit of a situation where I'm confronting a troubled up bringing where by my home life was full of violence and alcohol with no father figure or male role models.

I'm over whelmed with guilt, shame and fear. I have not been anywhere near one of those venues (nor want to) for about 3 years or looked at drugs for about 2 years and haven't watched any videos for about 4 months. It feels great and that's what I want to do to continue becoming a better person and husband. I'm scared to try and start communicating again in case I get more anger (which I deserve) or shut out completely and then my anxiety and shame spiral begins again.

Am I kidding myself that she will ever want to be with me again??

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

I think it is unlikely but possible for your wife to return to a loving relationship, however thats up to her and I dont know her.

See, we are not perfect us humans. If we do wrong and then own up to it you would normally think that honesty could be rewarded with forgiveness. However, 20 years is a long time of what she would see as deceit. Do you think it is reasonable for her to forgive you for hiding these things for such a long time?

Recently a relative of mine discovered after 28 years that he had a gambling addiction. She found out when she saw him tear up and discard gambling tickets and put them in the garbage. It turned out he had gambled away $100,000 over the last 5 years and had her take out a mortgage on her house to cover it up saying the money would be used to renovate the house. By the time she realised it all he was passing away with cancer so she couldnt discuss it fully with him. After his passing many bills that he said he paid weren't and so the pain became worse.

So deceit in a marriage can have far reaching consequences. I would choose a time that you feel is right and have a serious talk about the topic. If she forgives you then fine but if there is too much hurt lingering then you might need to at least take a long break from her to reassess your future.

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[Brisso]

Thanks WK. I understand the ramifications and the reality is I want to change, a week ago I experienced a separate "awakening" around my up bringing which requires me to get help so hopefully it works out that she see's I am changing and making progress. So confronting. I want to use my experience here to help people with better decision making - there is so much at stake.

[white knight]

And indeed you've done that.

What is like to mention is, when I was 40yo my marriage fell apart, two young kids. I was lucky to survive.

I'm now 64yo and most successful in turning my life around. As much as you'd like to wipe the slate clean, it might not happen. If not then she has exercised her rights. But there is so much life to live.

It will be like a fork in the road, it will go one way or the other. If forgiveness isn't there for you from her even though it won't be her fault and it's her choice, you might not have the compatibility you yearn for.

It's just brainstorming really and you can cherry pick others thoughts to your benefit.

AS I eluded, I've been rock bottom, it isn't worth getting that low. Self preservation is a priority.

Do you relate?
TonyWK