[Constructive title pending...]

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ll try to keep this intro as brief as possible...

Hi! My name is [INSERT NAME], and I have virtually no self-esteem. I look forward to getting to know you so we can share our stories and support each other.

...okay, perhaps that’s a little TOO succinct. I’ll share a few of the negative lowlights that have led to the empty shell that is [INSERT NAME], and we can go from there (assuming I haven’t yet alienated you):

• I grew up as (and still am) a societal outcast, with long-term ostracism, bullying and “Are you an alien?” queries since I was eight, when a peer tricked me into yelling out “F***!” in class. CONTEXT: I was testing my spelling skills by requesting words, and one student said, “Spell Eff-Yoo-Cee-Kay”, and I was surprised to hear a word I didn’t yet know, hence my elevated voice and subsequent time-out. Speaking of which...
• Misunderstandings and punishment from teachers made primary school (1996-2000) the worst years of my academia. I later learned I’m on the autism spectrum, but far too late in my formative years... thankfully, I started to leave my shell during secondary school, though a teacher in Year 12 saying I would amount to nothing (a comment I’d received from a different teacher in Year 7), followed soon after by a peer saying to my face that none of the other students actually likes me (I had only “school friends” for a decade and a quarter, and no long-term social network even now, as mentioned above and below), forced me right back in. Speaking of which...
• I’ve recently discovered I’m the scapegoat in my unsupportive family, which started the same year as I started high school, with my diagnosis being used as leverage against me by both parents, and my well-supported brother being abusive throughout puberty. My life is in service to my family’s, and reality forbid me from standing up for myself and my wellbeing without them sweeping over me like a tsunami...

In summary: I have no career, no support network, no finances, nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, no means of seeking long-term help and support without my family casting me aside... and no self-esteem. I now know my circumstances are not my doing, and that there’s nothing wrong with me despite what I’ve been taught, yet there is no escape. The family nest is a cage, preventing me from soaring. I just turned 17 for the seventeenth time in a row, and (to quote a relatable song) “all my hope is gone...”

And as for my name? I’ll insert it when I know...

[Tay100]

test01

[NobleAlarc32]

Well, I’d prefer a place of my own, though I’ll most likely need to find a rental unit/apartment at first, especially with the state of my post-scapegoat credit score setting back my “first home buyer” dream. Still, one thing at a time. 🙂

[smallwolf]

Is a cliche but... slow and steady...

hope you don't mind me going off on tangents!

One day as I was doing homework for my psych* I did a google search for "famous people with ...." type search and got back a interesting set of results which helped me.

There is a kid I know (grade 5/6?) with autism - doing things correctly is one of his things. He is doing OK. Obvious some things he does not understand.

Anways... I was watching a TV show in 2019 about people in the UK with autism and I did not truly did not appreciate the breadth of the spectrum. There were other I picked up as well. On the outside these people looked normal. item #1.

I got into Uni through TAFE. Perfectly normal. But I felt I failed. This was a side effect of the times and things others etc. I left Uni the first time with a Masters degree.

I know that if you did a search for

famous with [insert-my-condition]

you would recognise many off the names.

Why am I telling you this? In 10 years times (I picked a number at random!) nobody really asks about what you did. for example, "did you really have to go to TAFE?!?" You have skills, talents, resources now, and those you will learn between now and this future time. From your previous posts, you have the motivation.

so back to the opening statement.. slow and steady and you strive for your goals.

[NobleAlarc32]

It’s funny you mention “slow and steady”, as I’ve always utilised that Aesop as one of my core mantras through life. There is one hilariously, personally ironic twist, however: in The Tortoise and the Hare, the swift-footed Hare loses the race due to their own hubris, with the vastly slower-paced Tortoise thus winning the race through prudence. The irony? I’m a calm-minded, patient, “slow and steady” person... who was born in the Year of the Rabbit. 🤣

And as for tangents, there’s no need to feel concerned, as I have a tendency to start rabbiting on about such trivial things as the origin of the word “butterfly”, the name of the casing at the tip of a shoelace (they’re called “aglets”, by the way), and an enthusiastically detailed description of a new product to a salesperson who sells such items for a living. Ain’t neurodivergence grand...? 😅

Wait... “rabbiting on”? “Trivial”? Did I mention my daily requirement of groan-inducing puns, gags and one-liners? 🥸

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

Right, that makes total sense! If you like to brainstorm or be supported throughout the moving out/accommodation sourcing process let us know- we could get you looking at some great resources.

Hope you are in good spirits today!

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

Please do. My mother frequently belittles me about the fact that I’ve “changed” during my almost 19 months of self-reflection, she makes insidious comments about my having depression, and she has only just openly admitted that she wishes she had “the old Ryan back”, which would be the equivalent of being forced right back into my shell. Again. Ew. 😑

And I’ve come too far for that to be an option at this point. The Rubicon is long since crossed, the rabbit hole is too far above to even be a tiny speckle of false light visible overhead... uh... the chocolate-peanut butter hybrid is already being savoured... (I couldn’t think of a clever analogy, so I just smooshed something together in the hope that it works, kind of like peanut butter cups... 🤤)

I’m ready to start looking at options to help ease the transition as best as possible. Time to drop a vertex from this solitudinous square and form it into something mathematically stable... ooh, can I use that as a third analogy instead? Pleeeeease...? 😊

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

It's raining analogies today, love that!

Ok, if you'd like to list some bariers/issues surrounding the logistics of moving out/ finding a place (like a simple list ould be fabulous but any format that strikes your fancy would be great!) and then we can investigate and explore some resources or even other forum threads that could be useful to you!

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

My primary issue with moving out is that the barriers in my way are very real. It’s easy enough to say, “I’m moving out”, step through the front door and walk away, but without anyone to support me, and with my fixer-upper financial state in serious need of maintenance, I always need to turn around and head back at twilight. 🌄

The irony is that, if I had the resources to realistically move out right now, I would, and my setbacks would rapidly stabilise, perhaps by this winter (my favourite season, by the way, and the only one I’ve been denied for almost eleven years); yet I am forced to live under these conditions, which only worsens those setbacks and makes them ever-increasingly insurmountable.

My financial credibility and societal presence can only improve by leaving the nest, yet said factors continue to degrade which makes the solution circumstantially beyond my reach... now that’s a vicious cycle if ever there was one. Mind over matter is one of my mantras, yet no amount of meditation and mental focus is going to metaphysically materialise and/or manifest an instant solution to my problems. I’ve been playing the long game, and the developers keep adding new (mandatory) DLC.

Oh, and blah, blah, instant noodles mixed with cup-a-soup analogy because I need to hop off the bus, heheh... 😅

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

That certainly sounds hard- and cycles can be hard to escape. It does sound like moving out would provide you with the best foundation, but would be hard to implement without 'beating' a few of the other issues we have discussed. However, it doesn't seem impossible with preparation and support. You might be eligible for a grant or continued financial support- that might make all the difference. Give it a google.

As for the mental stuff, I think something that could supplement the conversations here could be a mental health app. Basically, you talk to a trained councillor (for free or very cheap, with lots of payment options) over text or phone. The texting option could be great because as you have mentioned how your family dynamic can impede on these things, especially privacy/deprivation wise. I think Headspace or BB may have a list on their websites. See what resonates with you- it would be a good investment to prepare you for what will be the 'foundational' solution of moving out.

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

That is, funnily enough, why I’ve spent the past nineteen-ish months going through an extended period of self-reflection, which involved facing the archetypal “five stages of grief”. I’ve just gotten through the depression phase, and am now well into the acceptance phase; I now realise my place in the family dynamic and that I will never be good enough in the eyes of my family, and for the first time in years I am one with myself. ☯️

I have a drive and purpose, and for the sake of my well-being I am determined to do what must be done. I am no longer obliged to serve my parents as I fade into the background as a Cinderella stereotype, and I feel liberated as a result. It’s time for this fledgling to fly! 🦅