[Constructive title pending...]

[NobleAlarc32]

I’ll try to keep this intro as brief as possible...

Hi! My name is [INSERT NAME], and I have virtually no self-esteem. I look forward to getting to know you so we can share our stories and support each other.

...okay, perhaps that’s a little TOO succinct. I’ll share a few of the negative lowlights that have led to the empty shell that is [INSERT NAME], and we can go from there (assuming I haven’t yet alienated you):

• I grew up as (and still am) a societal outcast, with long-term ostracism, bullying and “Are you an alien?” queries since I was eight, when a peer tricked me into yelling out “F***!” in class. CONTEXT: I was testing my spelling skills by requesting words, and one student said, “Spell Eff-Yoo-Cee-Kay”, and I was surprised to hear a word I didn’t yet know, hence my elevated voice and subsequent time-out. Speaking of which...
• Misunderstandings and punishment from teachers made primary school (1996-2000) the worst years of my academia. I later learned I’m on the autism spectrum, but far too late in my formative years... thankfully, I started to leave my shell during secondary school, though a teacher in Year 12 saying I would amount to nothing (a comment I’d received from a different teacher in Year 7), followed soon after by a peer saying to my face that none of the other students actually likes me (I had only “school friends” for a decade and a quarter, and no long-term social network even now, as mentioned above and below), forced me right back in. Speaking of which...
• I’ve recently discovered I’m the scapegoat in my unsupportive family, which started the same year as I started high school, with my diagnosis being used as leverage against me by both parents, and my well-supported brother being abusive throughout puberty. My life is in service to my family’s, and reality forbid me from standing up for myself and my wellbeing without them sweeping over me like a tsunami...

In summary: I have no career, no support network, no finances, nowhere to go, nowhere to turn, no means of seeking long-term help and support without my family casting me aside... and no self-esteem. I now know my circumstances are not my doing, and that there’s nothing wrong with me despite what I’ve been taught, yet there is no escape. The family nest is a cage, preventing me from soaring. I just turned 17 for the seventeenth time in a row, and (to quote a relatable song) “all my hope is gone...”

And as for my name? I’ll insert it when I know...

[smallwolf]

Happy new year!?

Did you try again with the local support group? I have been in similar position once with a session with my psych. I had the wrong date in my calendar and they called me to to find out where I was! Slightly different to your situation but is very frustrating (and then feel the worst). These things can happen and it as much as I wish it never happened, I cannot guarantee that I wont mess it up again. So you are not alone in that area.

Going off a tangent here... I know from your initial post you said you have no career and that you are tried writing. Two questions if i may...

(1) did you ever send your story to a publisher? Or consider self-publishing? I can understand that it would have been nice if your dad could have finished reading. I would be upset in your position! Is there anyone else you would otherwise know who might be able to proof read it for you?

(2) Other than writing, what sort of things interest you work wise? (My son dropped out of Uni in the 1st year, and is a swim coach now. There are many possibilities.)

[NobleAlarc32]

My physical health - quite possibly my life - is officially in jeopardy. The pressure continues to build, and every “unwarranted” vent in response to my mother’s lack of empathy is becoming harder and harder to contain. I am starting to become scared of the very real possibility of a cardiovascular episode (or worse) if this goes on. The fact that Mum knows full well that I am having issues with anxiety and depression, and that she chooses to continually be mentally and emotionally abusive despite/in spite of her being part of the root cause of the problem, means that I could very well be dead by the end of the month.

If it takes such a negative event for my mother to realise her mistakes... well, let’s just say it’d be no different than any other moment of the past 25 years, except distilled into one concentrated moment of same-old, same-old... 😭

[smallwolf]

I will start with a story about someone I know...

A lady (let's name her X) who is older than me was always angry and frustrated about things (little things) - a chair placed in the wrong location, a scrap of paper on the floor, things not put away etc. This same person could also be a bully towards other people. Later, I chatted another person (S) who said that, in relation to X, that a person hurts others are also hurting on the inside. Days and many conversations with X, I would come to realise the hurt that X projected outwards was partially/mostly a result of the stress she was under. To make it worse, X did not or would not talk about these things - perhaps a generational thing?

While I don't know the level of hurt you would go through, having been on the receiving end of X unwarranted criticism I know that it hurts. One time X apologised to me hours later. I commented to S that once the words have been said, the damage is done.

What I did then was to reframe what X said to me with reasons why this person acted that way and I also used the word "wish". So ... 'I wish that X did not say [words] and she is just concerned about [thing] and projecting her frustration on me'.

Now reframing thoughts will not resolve a relationship and wont remove any pain caused so far in you. I wonder if you were to just have a conversation (it might take many) to find out where her anger comes from. This might also be a useless venture for you - I don't know.

I also recall you mentioning leaving ... would that be a goal of yours?

Last question - do you have any strategies when your parents are abusive towards you?

(I have other questions and will wait for your reply.)

Tim

[NobleAlarc32]

In answer to your questions:

Communicating my thoughts and emotions to my mother is always a fool’s errand (much like any actual errand I run for her, but I digress). Anytime I mention that something she has said to me has been extremely hurtful is taken as a personal attack against her, which only increases the volatility of her words and vocal tone. It’s reached the point where I’m terrified to even be near her, because if I look even a little bit glum, she is likely to snap something along the lines of, “Oh, what’s the matter with you?!” If Mum is upsetting me, she’s in the wrong, and her being in the wrong is illogical according to her mindset. Ergo, her logic is that I must be the one in the wrong, not her, giving her the authority to point it out. So yes, an effort in futility, as you posited.

Leaving the nest has always been my first major initial goal of adulthood, but lack of support from both parents in different ways has kept me locked up for fifteen years against my will. When your own mother snaps at you simply for saying words like “Melbourne”, “moving” or “University” even out of context, and threatens to disown you multiple times simply for wanting to move out, despite helping your own younger brother move multiple times over the same fifteen year period, there really is no other option. For the sake of my health, both physical and emotional, I need to move out, with or without my mother’s support. Perhaps it will cause her to realise that actions, or lack thereof, have consequences. As the song goes, “Don’t it always seem to go that you don’t know what you’ve got till it’s gone?” I’ve lost my sense of hope, and moving out is my one chance to rekindle it. Would my moving far, far away be a loss to my mother? Probably. Perhaps it would be a good thing for us both.

As for strategies, I’ve learned to not rely on my father, and I’ve expressed my fifteen-year burden, including his role in it. Apparently he had no idea, and he is actually in favour of my moving out and seeking tertiary education. Of course, old habits die hard, and my father can only do so much to assist me while he goes through various problems I’m not at liberty to discuss. Still, I’m grateful for anything and everything he does for me, though his anti-humanitarian traits are obviously a problem. My coping mechanism for both parents is to spend as much time out of the house as possible. It’s all I have.

Thank you so much for continuing to hear and support my story. 😭

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

Do you mean it's too late to reschedule the interview, and you need to go through the introduction process again? It might be worth retrying it as it sounded like a good resource that could at least get you on your feet a bit more. Or are you referring to something else entirely? We are here to listen and will continue with compassion, we appreciate being so open with us too.

Tay100

[smallwolf]

OK. You have said there is a lack of support for both your parents. And you have also said that your dad thinks it would be good for you to move out and get an education? At some level, your dad is supportive of you in this area, don't you think?

There are perhaps a couple of things you could try...

1. write down 2 list of the pros and cons for staying vs leaving

2. if you goal were to move out etc, what are the things that are stopping you from reaching this goal? What needs to happen to achieve that goal? And for each thing you identify, treat that as a problem/goal to achieve?

As you might (?) know, I work in IT and item 2 is something I do most days - breaking tasks into smaller smaller tasks that are achievable.

Most importantly, I want you to know that I am not telling you what you "should" do. Rather these are things I have had to do both professionally and personally. Perhaps finding and talking to someone that has been in a similar position to you could you insight in what is needed etc.

If you are able to redo that appointment... and talk through your idea there?

Tim

[NobleAlarc32]

I’d posted that during a (very brief) lapse in self-image partway through a period in which Dad was out of town, meaning Mum and I (and the family pet) for ten days straight. Those times have become a challenge for me personally, as I am forced to run errands for my mother, which is always terrifying. If even one detail is wrong or one item is missing, or I happen to come across as disagreeable and/or noncompliant, it becomes the sole focus of a verbal assault on me.

The good news is that I’ve come out of it far stronger and more resilient than before, and I feel less intimidated by Mum now that I know I can defend myself simply by standing up to her. As my Year 10 science teacher once said, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.” 😄

(Actually, that should be in the motivational quotes thread, shouldn’t it...?)

[NobleAlarc32]

I made a list of Pros vs. Cons, and was surprised at the result... a 12-to-1 majority, with the positive reasons for leaving far outweighing the negative. This has only motivated me to push harder, and I will succeed, one way or another. Bring it on! 😆

Incidentally, the obstacles in my way (my parents are no longer an obstacle, as I am my own person and thus not an extension of theirs’) are collectively the one con for leaving the nest: no support network and a fragmented financial state. Both are difficult, but not impossible, to overcome, and I’d most likely only be able to work through them after moving out anyway, since I wouldn’t need to worry about being “just another financial resource” of my father’s.

Oh, and it looks like I’ll need to go through the application process alone, as Dad’s continuing to fall back on old habits re:support. It’s fine, though, as it’ll help me to become a far more confident and, hopefully, capable young adult. Any opportunity for personal growth is most welcome. 🌱

[Tay100]

Hi NobleAlarc32

It's nice to hear that you are feeling great and very motivated as of late. Try and keep a record of what got you here and what helps you keep feeling this way. Harness it! Moving out and becoming independent can be a huge thing, so feel free to keep us updated there too- it seems worth it if the pros outweigh the cons, as you say.

Let us know applications go too!

Tay100

[NobleAlarc32]

Will do. I’ve created a new account for 2021 through VTAC, which has thus far progressed more smoothly than last year, perhaps because they still have some key details from my unsuccessful attempt at applying last year. Once I pay my processing fee next week, my application will be submitted for examination and, hopefully, one or more offers for study in my chosen academic field. 😄

Then I can start looking into accommodation and the like. I’m also considering taking a STAT, in order to boost my chances (I finished secondary school fifteen years ago, so it couldn’t hurt to provide proof of aptitude, though the cost of taking such a test may sting a bit).