Confused and new-what happened to me

[I_havenoideawhathappened]

Hi,

Thank you for allowing me to say ‘hi’ and introduce myself. I really do appreciate it.

I’m not sure what has happened to me. It feels as though I’ve woken up, and months and months have passed by. I have virtually no memory of April; zero recollection of February and March; January is fuzzy as is December 2020. I’ve lost six kilograms from what I thought I weighed. I’ve spent a lot of money..a lot of money, and started using again (no memory of deciding to do this!) My relationships with those close to me are all strained, especially my partner who I absolutely adore. It appears I have asked her for money, and lied to her repeatedly, and I have no recollection whatsoever of doing this. Reading through emails is bizarre. I can’t recognise my writing.

This has never happens to me before (to my knowledge) and I’m kind of scared. I mean, some of the stupid things I’ve apparently done do not make any sense to me. I’m in my early 40s, stable good job, and somehow, apparently I decided to use again (opiates). I have zero memory of rationalising this. It’s as though I’ve woken up, and my life has been trashed. I’m trying to understand what happened to me, primarily so it doesn’t ever happen again. I never want to experience this again, it’s such a strange sensation. I can’t pin point an exact start date, possibly December 2021, although there’s no way I could be sure. Over the past two weeks, things have slowly become clearer, and it’s becoming apparent that I’ve experienced some sort of break down, I don’t know. Appreciate any advice. Thanks

[Ggrand]

Hello I havenoideawhathappened....

A very warm and caring welcome to our forums..

I am deeply sorry that this has happened to you..It really does sound so scary...

I don’t know of this happening to anyone I know...I do gets bouts of short term memory loss.but no where near the extent you have gone through....and it is ver concerning that it has happened to you...

I really do want to suggest to you to make a long appointment with your GP...to rule out any underling illness..or if you have a mental health illness...I know our minds are powerful and can make us think or do things that we have no control over....Better to be safe and have some professionals check you over...

Here if you need to talk..dear I havenoideawhathappened...

My kindest thoughts..

Grandy..

[I_havenoideawhathappened]

Hello Ggrand and thank you so much for your reply.

I have a clear memory of discussing my anxiety and depression with my GP, and organising a mental health plan,

sometime last year. I attended a numbers of sessions with a psychologist and possibly this is where things go blank. I have no idea when I visited the GP, organised the mental health pan etc. I know I attended several appointments with a psychologist, at lest I think I know (the memory is clear), however there’s no details.

[Ggrand]

Hello dear I havenoideawhathappened...

A lot of times after my counsellor and I have had a talking session..I totally forget what we talked about..I know I attended, I can remember that...as far as our talk..it seems to fly out the window....

I’m wondering if even though we are present with our body...our minds are not with us...if that makes sense...because of anxiety do we try to hard to remember each word they speak then some how loose the whole conversation, because we are still trying to remember and digest the first things said to us...I don’t know if I have explained myself properly or not...maybe this is what has been happening to you...

Seems like you remember the actual visit but not what has been said or done by your professionals....This has happened to me many times...I have even thought about taping my visits with my counsellor so I can remember our talks and her suggestions and ideas for me try...

Maybe after you see your Dr. or psychologist..you could write out what you remember was said in the consultation...and the date and reason you had the appointment....it might help you in some way...

Kind thoughts dear I havenoideawhathappened...

Grandy..

[I_havenoideawhathappened]

Good evening,

Your description of how we can be present, yet our kids are not, is an accurate reflection of my ADHD life. I can relate to this so much.

its not just the sessions I can’t recall; it’s my life, from sometime late last year, Nov-Dec till just these past few weeks. Just scattered memories, and a feeling of complete dissociation, which is scary. It feels like, someone else lived my life for the past six months. So strange.

[geoff]

Hello I havenoideawhathappened, and welcome to the forums, thanks Grandy for your lovely replies.

One reason and I'm not being judgemental at all, it's just a discussion we're having and by no means critical at all, but the lack of memory may be caused by what you have been taking, for example, if someone drinks too much alcohol then usually they aren't going to remember what happened the night before, so only concerned about how much you are taking and if there is a reason why.

The writing while intoxicated makes us feel embarrassed the next day, we can barely read it, so just concerned about what you are experiencing and the need to borrow money.

I mean no harm by saying this, only want to help you.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi I havenoideawhathappened

This sounds incredibly frustrating, stressful and somewhat fearful for you. My heart truly goes out to you.

You might be onto something, regarding wondering about the psychologist sessions. Whether he/she unintentionally triggered something, you can't help but wonder. You're trying to go back to what you feel is the beginning of things which makes perfect sense. It might pay to also wonder whether you can revisit that psychologist and see whether this shift is reflected in their notes and what they discussed with you preceding the shift. Could be quite revealing, leading you to to say 'No wonder this happened'.

The human brain is definitely a complex thing. I can recall when suddenly coming out of my depression about 15 years ago (when I was 35) a whole lot of seriously trippy kind of changes. As my brain set about kind of rewiring itself, one of the things it did was delete a lot of my memory. If you imagine the brain as a computer (which computes/processes things) it wiped part of its own drive and threw it in the trash. This doesn't really bother me as I'm a 'live in the now' kinda gal. If I wanted to recall my missing memories, I'm sure there'd be a way of doing it. Prefer to leave the past in the past. For me, the past was somewhat depressing, so I figure why would I want to recall it.

For you, it's different. You want to recall things by the sound of it, fill in the gap. Do you have any recollection of the kinds of things you were discussing with your psychologist before your brain was triggered to do what it's done? You don't have to reveal them here, just something for you to personally contemplate. Could be something like having your mind blown wide open with some mind altering revelation and that's the last thing you remember or maybe you don't recall this moment. If this is the case, it's worth delving into this with a mental health professional, just in case this recollection impacts you. If you feel it's right to not do this on your own, 100% trust that feeling. Make sure you have someone there with you to guide you through and help you observe.

It would be so much easier to navigate if we knew exactly how our brain works. Even the experts don't know exactly how it works, so don't be too hard on yourself as you're trying to figure out why it's done what it's done.

It is my wish that you come to make sense of this and it provides you with the enlightenment you need regarding the way forward on your path.

🙂

[I_havenoideawhathappened]

Hi,

Thank you Geoff and therising for your thoughts, and for sharing your own experiences. I hope you are both ok.

Thats a fair question Geoff and have thought about the possibility that the meds I was taking may have caused this; although,I’m not certain. I was taking a prescribed benzodiazepine which I’ve since stopped as I didn’t like how it made me feel. Foolishly, I stopped suddenly and endured seizures and horrific withdrawals. Fortunately my Dr is helping with a tapering plan on a different med.

Just prior to the part of my life that’s now blank, I do recall having a very clear awareness that my mental health was declining rapidly. I could feel myself sliding downhill fast. I’d had a rough few years leading up to last year. I rang Beyondblue and sought help, which led to the specialist appointments.

At that time, I hadn’t relapsed (opiates), although I was under a great deal of stress. I was in an abusive relationship (physical and emotional) for 19 years, which ended just prior to this happening, so I’m wondering if it’s a factor. What scares me the most, is that I decided to use opiates again, and have no memory of doing so. I don’t remember thinking about using, deciding to use or even using during this period. I mean, I overcame addiction and had put it behind me, and can’t see how I possibly thought it was sensible to use again.

I do appreciate the suggestion re following up with the Psychologist. Sadly, it’s a complete blank in terms of what was discussed during the sessions. I’ll do this as soon as my finances are in a healthier state. The money I spent during this ‘episode’ is extraordinary to me. I even sold my car, which I don’t remember deciding to do. Worse though, far worse, is that I hurt people close to me.

I would really like to talk to a specialist as it’s disconcerting. From what my friends, family and partner say, I was like a different person.

I seem to fall into a gap, so to speak, in terms of help available. I have a full time job, however I’ve been on sick leave for over a year and exhausted my leave, so money’s tight. I suspect my job may make it difficult to access support, as I’m unlikely to qualify for anything due to my salary, even though I’m no longer receiving a salary due to exhausting leave. I would appreciate if you have any suggestions here.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my storey and for your support. I wish I had discovered this forum years ago. Such a positive and supportive space. Thank you.