Claiming Our Voice (... or at least trying to)
Right now, we observe somatic sensations of a brick wall being laid in our throat, and our lips being stuck together with super glue. We're breathing deeply and exhaling with a whispered "pahh!!" - something we learned from Yoga With Adriene. To this day, speaking feels unnatural, not allowed. We're trying to change that.
Parts of us have memories of doing the mental gymnastics to keep quiet - the "I am being abused" "I am being traumatised by said abuse" "I am experiencing flashbacks and other trauma responses" "Oh, mum doesn't like that" "I am completely fine and safe and healthy and nothing at all is wrong" - in freaking toddlerhood. Adorable pudgy little toddler body with tiny baby teeth smile, and we were already learning to keep it hidden. By preschool and kindergarten years, with our second and third lots of sexual abuse, all by different perpetrators, we were becoming fluent in the art of dissociation.
Right now, we're noticing the walls swirling, hot heaviness in our chest and forehead, prickling skin as our vision fades in and out. Our cues to come back to the present and lock up that box. But, this time, we don't want to never return to it, or tear these words to shreds (a bonus for being a forum) - we're hoping we'll come back to this, and keep talking. Claim our voice as our own, and use it.
Collectively, we go by Mae. We're neurodivergent, multiple independent persons (and some non-humans) sharing this singular vessel. We're hurting, and trying our best to create the kind of life that we always deserved but could never dream of experiencing until three years ago. We'd love to get to know all of you, and hope that, bravely, we can share ourselves.
I'd like to give you a gentle welcome here to the Forum. I think it might be a good place for you to come as you can write down some of the things you need to say, and even if you regret or are upset at having said them I'm sure the time will come where you will know they were the right things to say and show you are dealing with your truly horrible past.
I guess it may come in two parts, that which you can control, and things that at the present you can't. Hopefully more and more of your life, actions and thoughts will be under your control. Although not abused I suffered from trauma and have found that to be the case. I rarely even cry now.
I can't advise you if being an in-patient will hurry things up, if you are terrified of it then hesitating is very natural -and the time might not be right. You would know better than me.
Trying ot get Victims Services to hurry things up might be a less taxing approach -have you tried that? It may be the Blue Knot Foundation might help too
One thing in your writing I noticed and made me glad, you said you have people you love.
You know you are welcome here anytime
thank you so much everyone for your replies.
croix there's actually been a bit of progress in terms support that we've been able to get without in-patient. we're doing the "way back program" with ccpc. we're about halfway through it, though the next 6 weeks are fortnightly instead of weekly, and they've been checking in with us and working on an ndis application, so things are looking up.
thank you so much for your compassion, mmmekitty, sending a warm hug to you too
we're at a bit of an awkward point with healing. well enough that we're doing more tasks, but not well enough that we immediately interpret that wellness as a sign that we're lying about everything else. today we went for a walk and did some skin care stuff, which was so lovely, but it makes us feel like we're conning the ccpc and need to call them and be like "oh hey, we looked up and saw the sunlight shining through the jacaranda flowers and felt gratitude for the gift of life - we're cured, and are evilly stealing resources and support from some poor innocent person who actually needs it, so we can just cancel the rest of these sessions."
but we also know and recognise these thoughts as being unhelpful and inaccurate - based on lies our mother told us, instead of the actual truth - but then there are parts that wonder if us being able to recognise and unblend from them means we're too well on our own for that support.
That's certainly good news, the Way Back support system is pretty good, and is one of those that does reach out to see how you are going between sessions -they are to be valued.
I'm also glad you are feeling the world around you and are grateful for life. I wish I could say thnigs are now settled but I doubt they are - yet.
It is one thing to be able to remember and face what has happened to you in the past, it is indeed a milestone. That does not mean your are free of its influence in judgment, fears or true regard for your self.
Those come with time and assistance. It would be an action inspired by a shadow of the past that would prompt you to stop your support half way through, you deserve it all!
I too have felt at time's that's it, I'm good, why persevere with psyh and meds? It's a bit like having a plaster cast on a broken leg, you may be able to walk on it, but the cast is lending you strenght until you are strong enough to discard it.
I"m very glad I stayed with that psych support, as life has not always been a smooth ride, however it has helped with the down times, which get less and less.
I'm not being discouraging, quite the reverse, you are healing. Patience and the knowledge you are worthy of assistance can see you though.
It's good to hear from you again.
You were accepted into the program, because it's thought you can benefit from it, & are able to make the most of it.
It certainly can feel odd to realise we can enjoy some things, some days, especially when it seems like we haven't before, so when it does, yeah, it feels 'wrong'. But it's not. You are entitled & deserve to feel pleasure & gratitude as much as anyone.
Having some days when you feel good, enjoy where you are, & what you are doing is wonderful. It seems to me you have been making progress. But, life, as it is for everyone, is full of ups & downs. It can take many people a long time to learn to navigate their way through life. Some of us need more help & support to do this than others. It's like how some people need more help & support to learn to live with having diabetes, & to make changes in how they live to manage the condition. I think living with mental health conditions is a lot like this.