Cancer sucks

[Witchipoo]

Hi all,

I am 59, with one older and one younger sibling.

Our 82 yr old mother has stage 4 breast cancer recurrent.  She had a mastectomy and chemo over 10 years ago. At the end of 2020, she found out it had come back in her lungs. A few months ago she had falls, then a stroke (thankfully reasonably mild), then heart attack symptoms so her Oncologist stopped her chemo as it was doing more harm than good. Since the chemo stopped she has gone down hill so fast. Always a fighter, she now seems to have given up. We're not sure if she'll make Christmas.  Today she started oral morphine for the pain. She is sooo tired all of the time.

My 81 yr old father is not well either. He's had cancer, hydatid cyst, some infection in his body...he was under an infectious diseases specialist for quite a while. His heart only works at a small percentage,  his kidneys aren't great....he's so frail and underweight. 

Then today my 64 yr old hubby had back surgery to try and relieve the constant pain he's in.

I also have had a lot of health issues since being diagnosed with metastatic melanoma a few years ago, then a heap of very severe side effects from a blind Immunotherapy trial.  I'm cancer free at present but always fear it returning.

I feel like I'm on an emotional roller-coaster.  We are really close to our parents and we are struggling to cope with the severity of their illnesses.

I'm crying lots of tears.

[Croix]

Dear Witchipoo~

Welcome here to the Forum. I guess the first thing is to ask how your hubby is getting on? With surgery today he may not be making a lot of sense yet, different people react to anesthetics in differing ways. Hopefully the operation wil lessen his pain. Having pain constantly is so wearing, it makes life horrible.

I'm not surprised you have been crying a lot, you have a great deal to cope wiht and I think I'd be crying too. Sadly events will take their course and that is terribly hard to deal with. Are you able ot talk with your mum at all?

As you would well know grief does not wait for a particular event, it happens all along. You may think of contacting Griefline  (1300 845 745) who can often be a comfort

It also sounds particularly upsetting for your dad, can you say how he is holding up?  I should ask the same about your two siblings, are they close and share with you?

I've lost several people including my partner, and talking wiht them can switch between the illness and its effects and quite ordinary stuff. I think I learned that for many they are the same as they have always been, feel responsibilities and frustrations at thier circumstances.

While not trying ot be artificially cheerful I've tried to put in a bit of levity, such as quoting a bit from a favorite TV show or comedian. - just to lighten things a bit. It can be difficult to do, as you may not feel like it yourself, I didn't, however when recounting something it did lighten my mood too. Plus my partner and the others have appreciated my efforts and actually have felt a bit happier too.

I would imagine that you must be very busy trying to meet the needs of your family, do you have anyone to give you some practical help?

You know you can always talk here, even just saying how hard and upsetting things are can be a relief.

Croix

[quirkywords]

Witchipoo

welcome to the forum. 

I am so sorry your parents are so unwell and you struggling to cope with their illness. I sma few years older than you but my mum and dad died many years ago. 
My mum had dementia and then cancer. It was very overwhelming .

Are your siblings supportive ?
on top of your parents you and your hubby have health issue. 
I think acknowledging things are difficult is important.

when you spend time with your parents can share things they enjoy . 
the illnesses in your family can take over your lives, . Crying is accepting how hard it is. 
Thanks for sharing your post. 

[Mark Z.]

Hi Witchipoo,

I'm so sorry, I can't imagine how hard it is for you. 

Obviously your family including you are brave fighters, but we are all human, I'll be extremely mentally stressful if I were you. 

The good thing is as the medical technology continues to evolve, we have more solutions for cancer treatment. What we have to do is to conduct detailed checks on a regular basis to ensure early detection of problems and early treatment. At the same time, we need to enrich every day with a colorful life to distract attention from sickness. 

I know it's easier said than done. My prayers for you and your family. Hope everything will be better.

Mark

[Trans22]

It's very hard when someone close to you is suffering.  My father was given 3 years to live about 5 years ago.  He's still alive but very rarely the "life of the party" person he used to be.  Doctors who deal only with physical health never seem to consider what the human brain is capable of if it is nourished/encouraged.  My dad was given a diet that was about as tasty as what I'd imagine cardboard to be and Dad started losing interest in life.  My wife and I decided to start inviting him over once or twice a week to enjoy food and drinks that he wanted, whatever he wanted.  We have been rewarded with frequent glimpses of his pre-illness self (short periods of remission if you like).  We will continue to support him in this way as long as possible.

[Witchipoo]

I agree. When my Gran was elderly she was diagnosed with type 2 diabetes.  She hated the food and the blandness of it. I think that you are wise to let him have something he enjoys. 

[Witchipoo]

Hi Quirkywords,

Yes my siblings are going through it as well. We are all doing what we can for our parents, although we don't discuss our feelings with each other.

Mum is too sick to enjoy much at all. Is tired all of the time, but I sit with her every day when I can.

Being away whilst hubby recovers from back surgery is really hard.

[Witchipoo]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for responding. 

Hubby is in more pain today as his spinal block has worn off, but hopefully he recovers quickly. Has been out of bed walking each day, so that's a good sign.

Dad never shares much about his feelings, none of us do really. Just weren't brought up like that. But we are all doing what we can for our parents.

[Croix]

Dear Witchipoo~

I'm glad you husband is starting to recover, it's never an easy journey. As somone with a spinal condition he has my sympathies.

As far as your family not being in the habit of opening up, OK, that's how they are. It simply means you talk of other things. It is often simply the attention, company (even silent company)  and normal chat that can help.

Croix

[Witchipoo]

We got home on Friday as mum had been admitted to palliative care.

We had lots of family around her 24 hours/day and she passed away peacefully on Monday 5th December.  It has broken all of our hearts and I'm absolutely devastated. 

I know she's now in no pain and no longer suffering,  my head knows and hears all of that, but my heart is broken and I just want my mum back.