Anyone had a similar dilemma and can offer a workable strategy?

[Mikestime]

Hello - I am a new user and have decided to come here to see if anyone has had a similar scenario and success. Context wise, I am early 50's, married for 15 years with 3 kids and have been blessed with a successful career and good income. We have just built a beautiful home and have a substantive mortgage on the usual 30 year term which is not ideal at my age given I will need to work until I am 80 to pay off the mortgage based on the current status quo. 

I don't want to come across as sounding self-fish as I know we are very lucky to have my job and a nice house, however my dilemma is my wife just won't get a job to contribute to paying off our high monthly expenses - my wife's response is I should look for a second job on weekends so we can have extra income - this is a huge red flag for me as she is effectively saying I don't care about your health, just as long as I don't have to work sort of attitude. I am already struggling mental health wise as I get zero down time and just seem to either work, or help my wife with house chores and attending to our kids. 

My wife has zero incapacities and spends her days sitting on the couch staring at her phone - scrolling through social media posts - at most she may place a load of washing on and cook 2-3 times per week, but that is it. The house is constantly messy, washing is constantly piled up, groceries are always behind etc. It is really starting to impact my mental health in that I have a wife who just has no oomph in life to do anything even when she clearly can see I will be working until I am 80, we are not moving forward financially (mortgage, private school fees - just staying afloat). I just don't understand how someone can choose to do not contribute financially to a family unit.

Does anyone have any advice or strategy on how to gently support my wife to wake up and smell the roses per say? Whenever I try to broach the conversation her defence mechanism is to just yell at me. I am at a point where I just want to sell everything and buy a tiny home just so I am not faced with working until I am 80, and also showing her the impacts of her not contributing to the family, but why should I sacrifice what I have worked for because my wife just comes up with excuse after excuse as to why she can't get a job (and also impact the kids so they lose their nice home?)

Appreciate any stories on anyone who has been in a similar situation!

[Mark Z.]

Hi Mikestime,

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you're facing a really tough situation and it's understandable that you're feeling overwhelmed, especially when it feels like the family and financial responsibilities aren't evenly shared.

I would encourage you to try to understand your wife's perspective more. There could be underlying reasons for her reluctance to work that might not be immediately apparent. These could be emotional, psychological, or based on differing expectations about roles within the marriage. Explore her challenges and offer your care and support can open up the conversation.

Because you already have a good income, your wife does not need to pursue a high income. In this case, you can encourage her to pursue her passion and do a career that she loves and can earn a certain amount of income.

You may also talk about your goals together, both short-term and long-term. This can include not just your financial goals, but also personal aspirations, and what each of you envisions for your family’s future. Setting goals together can help align your efforts and make the teamwork more apparent.

Maybe also consider scheduling a meeting with a financial advisor together? Reviewing your financial situation with a professional can help make the reality of the situation clearer and offer practical steps to manage your finances more effectively. This could also help shift the discussion from an emotional terrain to a more practical one.

Hope it helps a bit.

Warmly,

Mark

[Mikestime]

Thanks Mark that's very sound advice - one thing I have learnt is when you get caught up in your own emotion of "hunter and gatherer" mentality you often overlook the why - I have overlooked 14 years out of the workforce is a long time and there is likely some nervousness and self-doubt in rejoining - I really like your advice on follow a passion - thanks for your response!

[therising]

Hi Mikestime

I feel for you so much, I really do. I can sense your disappointment, frustration, dread, stress and more. You may have hit the nail on the head regarding your wife's fear in going back to work, maybe something you could discuss with her. Given her intense reaction regarding a return to work, I can understand your reluctance in addressing it. Perhaps it's a matter of treading lightly to begin with, 'I'm not talking about you going back to work, I just want to know whether it's something you fear in some way'. I was actually a stay at home mum for a number of years myself and I can say there was that fear for me. I actually ended up returning to an industry I was familiar with, to help with that fear. The reason I went back to work was because I eventually felt the need. The need was undeniable as a lack of money was just becoming too stressful. While my husband insisted on getting a 2nd job, my thinking was 'What kind of life is that for a person, where they have no free time with which to enjoy life?'. Not good for mind, body or soul. The deciding factor actually involved the family car packing up. While my brother loaned us the money for a new car, the need for me to pay him back asap, was that push. So, an unexpected large expense and a strong urge to repay someone's generosity.

Mark mentions a significant factor, a financial advisor (a prompt for greater financial awareness). I'm actually the financial manager of the family and I can tell you that a budget of some sort definitely leads to greater consciousness. While my husband would often say, in regard to finances, 'It'll be right, don't stress', I'd show him on paper how it wouldn't be right unless we managed the money more strategically. Again, I could feel the need to return to work based on how our finances looked on paper. A visual reference can be a wake up call.

Something else to consider may be your wife's mental health. If the only high she gets out of life involves scrolling through social media, the question could be 'Is this the only thing that stops her from feeling depressed?'. Is social media a major distraction from everything she should be doing, as her half of a working team, or is it a coping mechanism in a life that feels unfulfilling and depressing? Or maybe, if she's someone who's suffered from anxiety in the past, is it a tool for coping with anxiety (leading her to ignore the things that stress her)? Is refusing to return to the workforce another tool for coping with anxiety?

At the end of the day, I think it's a matter of getting to the bottom of things. Either there are deeper reasons that need addressing in regard to her addiction to social media, lack of household input and refusal to return to work or she's someone who's self entitled. If it's the latter, you need to consider what you're entitled to as well. Not having to get a 2nd job would be one of those things. Not having to do a majority of the housework is another. Btw, if you did get a 2nd job, she'd never feel the need to return to work. Another thing you could feel entitled to is to downsize if you can no longer cope with the stress. If it gets to the point where the stress is seriously destroying you in so many ways, something needs to change. Our house for our life is not a good trade.

[Snow]

Hi Mike,

Your wife reminds me of me.  Yet, I work full-time and I'm so grateful that I have a job to keep me going.  Without know you both it sounds like your wife is depressed. Staying at home full time is mind numbing and soul destroying but shés probably been doing it for so long she's lost her confidence.  Do you think there's something else going on? Depression or something else to trigger her unhappiness. Does she have a good group of friends? I'm constantly battling depression and can't seem to get to grips with helping around the house. Which depresses me further... anyway, just wanted to provide another perspective and to say well done on reaching out.

[Fiatlux]

Hi Mike,

I feel so bad for you right now.

I am 56 and husband 61 with 3 adult children and basically mortgage free and working towards a comfortable enough retirement. Husband would like to retire now but I can’t so we continue working while we must.

The one income family is a long lost dream, I’m afraid, although my mother also worked when we were younger. It was normal in the 1970’s an 1980’s to have latch key kids. My sister had I were 9 and 6 when we were already getting ourselves up and to school and back with all the other kids whose parents worked full time.

Your case is a bit different as you started your family a little later in life and are possibly expecting to work beyond 68 for sure.

Both my parents and in laws were retired by their early 60’s and lived up a bit. With kids all gone by then, mortgage free, they actually could afford to retire on the age pension. 

I have a few friends our age, mid 50’s to early 60’s and who didn’t want their wives to work and they are struggling financially now. Sickness and burnout is a big issue right now.

One couple don’t even have children yet she hasn’t ever worked since she moved into his house 20 years ago. This guy is mid 50’s and is not happy. When he consulted a lawyer last year about a possible divorce he was alarmed that she would get half his assets despite he having paid for everything and supporting her in every way. He just couldn’t bring himself to remortgage to pay her out of his life, and then there’s his superannuation etc. Last we spoke about it they were having counselling. She still has no interest or intention of getting paid work. She is only 45 now.

You getting a second job at your age is not a practical long term solution. Sure when you’re in your 20’s a second job doing a bit of bar work Friday or Saturday night wasn’t unheard of.

When my children were younger I often worked 7 days a week and it was hard. I worked day time Monday to Friday; go home for a nap and then do a night shift Friday and Saturday and sometimes Sunday too in the Hotel / Hospitality industry. I did this for about 7 years in mid 30’s to early 40’s. I just wouldn’t have the energy for it now. I am self employed and have been for 30 years so working on my own contracts was my motivation.

I don’t know what area of work your wife was in prior to having children, but surely she has some sort of work experience or interests? 

It takes a lot of hard work and planning to be able to retire comfortably these days. Good luck Mike, you sound like you are going to need it. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[Mark Z.]

Hi Miketime,

Exactly! This can be a process for your wife to rediscover herself. It is important to follow her talents and pursue her passions, rather than focusing on income as the primary goal. It would be great if you play a role in inspiring, encouraging, and supporting her in this process.