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Anxiety and Feeling Lost

Sqeak
Community Member

Maybe a little history to explain where I am coming from, there's been grief in my life, a failed marriage, the death of my eldest son, mental health issues, and an alcohol problem. I learnt over time to stop feeling guilty about my marriage break down, I learnt to live with the death of my son, I learnt to deal with where my brain goes sometimes, and I had Rehab to help me with the alcohol problem. In February this year something happened with my youngest daughter that triggered my mental stability and has me getting uncontrollable shakes now when my daughter rings me, to the point where I can't answer the phone. The last time we spoke Tuesday this week I tried to explain that I wasn't well but she cut me of with what her needs are. I've been off work for medical reasons and am looking to get back into the workforce. My daughter and granddaughter moved and now live an hour and a half away, but she doesn't want to be by herself, I've gone down to help her as much as I can. My daughter has a friend with two girls who lives at home with her parents and her parents are looking after the two girls while her friend does what she wants to do, that's what my daughter expects of me and has brought it up every time I go to see her. I love my daughter and grand daughter dearly. Im at a loss at the moment to know how to handle this situation because I getting shut down each time we speak because Im not doing what my daughter want me to.. this is where my anxiety is coming from its like im being backed into a corner and i dont like the feeling of being trap, my daughter has starting to use my grand daughter to have me feel bad. I dont kknow how to handle this situation,??????

2 Replies 2

That Other Guy
Community Member

I think your daughter is taking you for granted a bit. I told my kids always, I want to be your friend but I'll always be your parent. I think you need to explain to her what your boundaries are and what you feel comfortable doing for her. If your daughter has kids she is a grown woman and old enough to respect that.

Are you talking to a therapist about the things that trigger you with your daughter? I suspect you should. Internet advice only takes you so far....

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

We must always gave personal boundaries that we feel is reasonable. Beyond those boundaries that include unreasonable demands, emotional blackmail and high expectations is areas that can be beyond our control and that is others actions not yours.

Eg if your daughter uses a friend's family situation to compare with her own that's no basis to enforce with her own family. Families should not be compared. If a adult child uses their own children for leverage to extract things from the grandparents then that is imo a form of manipulation, in some cases- emotional blackmail.

These situations can be felt as toxic and I believe your best avenue to seek a peaceful life and maintain your relationship with your grandchild is the gollowing-

  • Halve contect altogether.
  • Fill the freedom up time with activities new clubs, new friends, hobbies, sport etc
  • Any contact with your daughter be brief but nice.
  • Time with grandchildren- quality not quantity

I hope that helps.

TonyWK