Alone, ashamed & spiralling out of control

[CK48]

Hi, I'm new here & so concerned about sounding like a self-pitying hypochondriac when I know there are others out there doing so much worse than me and with far better reason but ..... I cant help it, I have to try something new or nothing is ever going to change. I'm 48, no stranger to depression - it started with PND after the birth of my son, 20 years ago, and has come and gone since. For reasons I cannot fathom it did not rear its ugly head after my father & hero passed away, it did not re-appear when my marriage fell apart, nor did it appear when I was diagnosed with breast cancer 9 years ago. No, it appears in between and with a vengeance, & right now, I am in throes of an out of control spiral. I cant answer my phone, open my mail & miss appointments which I know I cant afford to & create further problems for myself. I'm out of work & frankly to scared to apply for any jobs because if I do get a job I will need to front up everyday & be 'regular, normal' person when inside I am dying. Dying of sadness, loneliness, lack of sleep, severe financial stress and shame. Oh the shame of what I've become. I cant manage the simplest of responsibilities like housecleaning, or (god, I am so glad noone knows who I am on here for what I about to admit) even showering most days. I was a fastidiously well groomed, intelligent, responsible, reliable person & now I am this hopeless, useless thing. The only thing that amazes me is how I haven't turned to alcohol or drugs to deal with things, although I am definitely over-eating to cope emotionally.

I have no family in Australia, and all my old school friends are in the UK. I don't want to burden my one & only best friend as her husband is currently undergoing treatment for lung cancer & I just have no-one to turn to & can't find friends or social group to help ease the loneliness.

I have been on anti-depressants for years, & seen psychiatrists, am now considering ECT & scared as hell but right now I will try anything to end this rapid decline.

If anyone was listening, thank you. Just thank you.

[quirkywords]

CK48

Welcome and well done on taking that first step to share your story with others and to reach out. This is a safe non judgmental and supportive place.

You are not well and that is nothing to be ashamed about.

I remember not wanting to shower and staying in my pyjamas for days.

I am wondering how long do your bouts of depression last for? Are they getting worse as you get older?

That hopeless feeling is so overwhelming but you have written a very thoughtful account of what is happening and that is such an encouraging thing to do.

We are listening. I am listening.

Thank you for your story.

[Kafryn]

CK48 thankyou so much for sharing. I am living (just!) with very similar feelings. I'm sitting on my couch (out of bed before the afternoon!) crying+wondering why the hell I (STILL) can't pull myself together. The shaky nervous feeling inside me just won't get smaller lately. Like you I feel embarrassed, ashamed, confused+unable to reach out to friends or family -how can I ask them to understand or help when I have no idea what to ask for? This is not 'me'. Have U made a Dr or counselor appt CK48? I'm on my own as couldn't get appts til next week -which scares me as I just want to feel better. Also like you I'm having trouble getting ANYTHING done -which just feeds the guilt+painful feelings. I feel like such a whinger but I truly hope it helps U in some small way to know you're not the only one crying on the couch with unwashed hair+body+a feral home. I'm sorry Ur feeling like this but I am really grateful to know I'm not the only one. I have just joined+yor post has (made my cry but) soothed my sanity a touch. We WILL get better. I just hope it's soon -and before I make a TOTAL mess of my life. Sending you much love

[Sally66]

Thank you for being honest...this is the first time i am using this forum....wish i knew about it earlier....in a pickle myself atm...

[The_Abyss]

The fact that all three of you piped up and mentioned how alone you feel shows how many of us there are out there, needing support, just waiting for that curtain to crack open enough that we can reach out. Well done to you all for making that first step. I encourage the three of you to keep sharing on this thread and therefore help each other feel less alone.

Reading the other threads on this forum can sometimes be overwhelming, so when you find somewhere (like now) where you feel comfortable enough to take that first step, run with it! You'll find others drop in from time to time as well. While no one can fix your problems for you, just knowing you are not alone can make all the difference.

Take care

TA

[Mi_]

Hey, I can totally relate to what your going through. At the moment, everything is going OK in my life, but my depression is back with a vengeance, and nothing anyone can say will help. But, in saying that, your post made me feel less alone, and its comforting to know that there are others who feel this way too. You will get through this, and I will too. Celebrate the little victories, be proud of what you can achieve, even if its small things. You are not alone!!! Xx

[star76]

I just came across this post and i too can so relate. I struggled a lot through my teen years and 20's with various issues. that I won't get into here . Through years of therapy I managed a pretty good job,family and study life. then I had a breakdown and haven't managed to get back on track to where I want to be also. I don't know if this is at all helpful. I will say on a positive note just being able to hear others stories and write out my own has been very comforting. I don't have any answers sorry but I do hope you find support and understanding on the forum.

welcome

star76

[ro63]

Wellcome CK, so gald you wrote in ,and hope you will stay in touch there are plenty of shoulders here ,and as Quirky said we are listening .You are not a hypochondriac,and have absoluteley nothing to be ashamed about ,not one thing , you have taken the right step which takes all the bravery in the world to lay it all out ,so very proud of you, Im sorry I don't have any droplets of wisdom or whimsey to add right now as I have to pick my son up from work ,but I will be back later with as many as I can ,Best Wishes Ross.

[CK48]

Firstly, thank you to everyone here who read my post and replied. It is both sad and also a relief to know that I am not alone.

Since writing my post I somehow managed to make AND front up at a doctors appointment where I also somehow managed to blurt out just how bad I really was...... instead of the usual bull and lies I manage to tell everyone who thinks I'm managing just fine.

Now I need to find a psychiatrist and go from there.

Back to the "let's be perfectly honest here" tone (which I really appreciate and feel safe admitting in this forum only) I have managed a shower or two since then but not much else.

It honestly feels as if just going out the house to a doctors appt was almost too much. It was only when the pain and fear of what I might do became so 'large' that I was actually able to move myself.

Hearing everyone's words of encouragement and / or understanding has definitely made me feel less of a freak as well as less alone, so thank you all very much xxx

You may not have done anything for YOURSELF, but you did something for ME !! 🙂

[ro63]

Hi Ck, so glad you made it to the Gp,and I hope it was a good visit.it is good to open up and get that heavy load off small steps become big ones pretty quickly once the balls rolling, and you have got it rolling now and great to see the s word disapear from your words.unless it is used like this.

Strength - you have more than you know

Hero - you already are you just have'nt made the cape yet

Admiration - you have ours

Motivation - you have it ,just needs to be unleshed

Empathy - plenty right here

Be Well, All the best, Ross.​