A quick and nervous hello and background. Dunno which direction to head after potentially running away from issues

[Nomad82]

Hi all, a bit wary and nervous about writing here as generally I keep a lot of this private (bad I know). Anyway I'm male, 34 years old and have been living a bit of a nomadic life for the past 13 years, dotting about the globe through over 100 countries which has been enjoyable but now wondering if this was partly due to running away from previous problems. I work in IT at the moment and am also a trained high school teacher and would ideally like to use this to volunteer a bit more overseas at some point in some of the poorer areas I've been through at some point.

My father was killed in a car accident by a drunk driver when I was 22 and had already left to travel overseas (to which I went back to the funeral for) yet I decided to continue travelling the globe with the idea of "this just proves you have to live your life to the fullest" for another 5 years before visiting my family (back in NZ) again. Another 6-7 years of travelling after that (during which my cousin took his own life) and I decided to go back to NZ with a view to settle down a bit, open the next chapter of my life, be closer to my family and to study to be a teacher. Things seemed to go well however after getting involved in a semi-relationship with an amazing young lady and then royally screwing it up (due to my own indecision) and hurting that person bad, things went downhill from there.

It has been 2 years since I messed things up and I still feel massive guilt every day about it and the depression is sort of taking its toll on my day to day life. Lots of thinking about "what could have been", seeing that person happier now with someone else, massive disappointment/guilty with myself, lack of interest in anything I do and helpless at knowing you can't change history. A close friend said "you need to move one" or "you can't beat yourself up about it" but I find it hard to break out of the cycle. I have regular insomnia and often anxiety (especially just before sleeping) and often walk to work in a zombie-like down state, before faking it for the day.

I often wonder if I have been running away from things when they get a little too tough and the thought of returning to home fills me with dread as my mind just associates it with pain and hurt. Often the nomadic travelling life just feels like an easy escape as well.

I've had a few counselling sessions. Logically the suggestions made sense. In practice it's harder.
Thanks all. Appreciate any advice or suggestions

[geoff]

hello Nomad, I know it's frightening to post your first or second comment on a site like this, but you're amongst friends here, where all of us have been through our own dreadful experiences ourselves, so you're only talking to people who know what you are struggling with.
You can run but you can't hide is an old saying I learnt many years ago, in other words, you maybe able to push these problems aside but as soon as you come back to familiar surroundings, everything rushes back to haunt you.
Nothing can be sadder than being killed by a drunk driver and I'm so very sorry for you to lose your dad and from what you have said is that you seem to be suffering from PTSD, although I can't diagnose you, but remembering past experiences usually means PTSD.
It's impossible to be able to move on, and if anyone ever says that to me I really hate it, problems don't just disappear unless you are able to cope with them.
It will take more than one or two counselling sessions for you to feel any better, because any suggestions will require you to try and sort them out either when you aren't feeling the best and when you feel as though you can get on top of this.
It's a double ended sword, in other words in good times and certainly in bad times.
As I said you can keep running but eventually you will need to face these issues. Geoff.

[Nomad82]

Thanks for your response Geoff and appreciate your advice a lot. What you say about the familiar surrounds is incredibly true. I actually went back to NZ to try and open the next chapter in my life so to speak, relationship-wise things got a little messy and after finishing my study I headed off again (perhaps convincing myself and others it was due to other reasons). Recently it's those relationship mistakes (basically through my own indecision and lack of confidence and fear of the relationship failing) that have come back to haunt me and fill my mind and soul with regrets, guilt and anxiety, quite often in waves that quite rough and it feels like you're going down in a sinking ship.

It's that overwhelming, sinking feeling where you wish the world would just swallow you up that I find the hardest. Have been trying some positive affirmations but it feels like hard work. Like really hard work and in some ways crawling and hiding in the cave of guilt and self-disappointment feels easier. Not sure on how to keep this up so that it starts to show some real benefit.

Any ideas on how to communicate these issues with close friends without it sounding like a whinge or "complaining about nothing"? I mean often people will say "what are you complaining about? you have a job and your health" etc but although they mean well I find it just deflects the issue and we end up talking about something else.

[geoff]

hello Nomad, to 'hide in the cave of guilt and self-disappointment feels easier', hmm maybe, but you know your condition can get much worse, and if you do want to hide, you can't run away from these problems, they will simply multiply causing issues like social anxiety, not being able to care or look after yourself, although at the moment this could be the way you feel.
Any 'positive affirmations' are always a great idea, but you can't go 'like a bull at a gate', you will trip up and make your situation much worse, everything has to be done slowly, meaning that you have to get to one stage before you can go onto the second stage, and also means that you can accept the first one.
It's never easy talking to friends, because you don't know whether they will disappear off the scene or not want to talk with you, that is always very upsetting, but at least you know who your friends are.
What I would do is raise the topic slowly, in other words you could ask them if they knew anyone in their family who has had a breakdown and had to get help, and ask why just say you're curious as someone you know maybe going through this, then gauge their response, if they find the topic to be interesting and start to talk about it then slowly edge your way into the conversation, but not telling them everything at once.
If they show no interest then these people aren't people you want to talk to.
See how that goes. Geoff.

[Nomad82]

Hi Geoff, thanks for your suggestions and advice. You're definitely right about the not being able to run away from the issues. I think I've been almost the master of being able to suppress and busy these things over time and perhaps have mini-sessions or outets to temporarily release the valve so to speak. Unfortunately it seems just to be that. A temporary solution for a few weeks and then things suddenly pop up and snowball from there. Its when that heaviness comes in intense and sudden waves that kind of hit you like a sucker punch out of nowhere that it's difficult (abliet due to some past memory and dwelling on it or looking to something in the future and speculating over it even though it hasn't even happened yet).

How do you find dealing with people that have both a positive and negative effect on the depression or anxiety by the way? Specifically people who are very good to you and have your interests at heart and are very caring and loving but at the same time have expectations or kind of unwritten rules and clearly let their disappointment show when you don't fit that specific mould? It's a hard situation to describe but hope you get when I mean. When taking time to care for myself or trying to work out what's important for me I find is often labelled as "being selfish" or not caring for that other person (as they simply don't or choose not to understand).

In terms of talking with friend to be honest I try to speak with those who are distant friends to try and get a more independent viewpoint or understand rather than those who are closer to me.

Apologies for the slight ramblings but I find sometimes typing this stuff, things can link into other things.