30 year relationship over.

[Single51]

Hi, my husband of 30 years shocked me one month ago by telling me he had been having an affair with a 21 year old. (we are both 51). He has just moved out. I feel shell shocked, betrayed, old, lost and extremely sad. I have great support around me but I am finding the emotional roller coaster overwhelming.

[smallwolf]

Hi Single51 and welcome to beyond blue.

firstly it is good to hear that you have support around you at this time. The feelings you mentioned would be normal for anyone in your position where after what appears to be a loving relationship for such a long time comes to an end like that. And how long it takes you to move on is up to you - please do not let others tell you how you should be feeling as this is your story.

You don't need me to tell you this - what has happened is none of your doing - and while I am unsure how much you want to talk here about what has happened and if you do I will listen and respond.

Tim

[ecomama]

Dear Single51

I'm very sorry for the loss you feel and all the other sad feelings you have. I think you're bang on the money with all of the feelings you're having right now.

It was a great step joining the forums where you can post ANY TIME at all, there seems to be many night owls on the forums here. So well done.

It may take some time to adjust to things now. Be kind to yourself. You've had a huge shock and now have a different future.

It's a very bright future if you choose to look at it that way, one day.

If you want some sound legal advice then you can call Women's Legal Service. They're pretty great!
Also 1800RESPECT is a very kind counselling service that can refer you to further support. Regardless, they and the BB helpline are open 24/7 if you need someone to talk through these feelings with.

Please pop back and let us know how you're going.

EM

[josh1245]

hey single51 I would firstly like to welcome you to this wonderful online community and I would like to applaud your incredible strength and courage in asking for help its something you should be very proud of. I am very sorry that you are currently going through this really hard time but you deserve so much better. I've never met you and I already know that you are an amazing person. you are right to have those feelings that you are having right now but plz don't let them destroy your life don't let him win. lots of people love you and see the amazing person you are. everyone in the beyondblue community is here for u every step of the way

[SarahZ]

Hi Single51,

Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out. I'm so sorry for the emotions you must be experiencing right now. I can't imagine how frustrated and hurt you must feel at the moment. 30 years is together is a long time. Inevitably you will also probably need a lot of time to heal as well. Just as @ecomama said, great job on posting! A huge first step of healing is being open about your loss, which you have done wonderfully.

Just know that when people have an affair it is no reflection of who you are as a person, but rather who they are. It's great to hear you have a wonderful support team behind you. Always know these forums are here supporting you as well!

Sending you heaps of positive thoughts during what must be an exceptionally difficult period. As cliche as it sounds, remember there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Stay strong and be kind to yourself.

Wishing you all the best x

[Chumptastic]

Hey Single51, firstly big hugs & secondly me too. I’m 50 & My marriage ended last year when his cheating & lying Throughout the marriage finally caught up with him. I thought we were rock solid & that he was devoted to me. It unravels your entire reality. The devastation is total. Cheating is abuse. I found it helpful to seek support at ChumpLady, a blog where is chumps can vent. The book ‘leave a cheater, gain a life’ is helpful too. Unless you’ve been through it no one can know how truly awful it is. I think it would have been easier to cope with his death than this. I can’t see me ever being happy again.

[geoff]

Hello Sarah, and a warm welcome.

I, too am deeply sorry that your husband is having an affair with someone half his age, and whether or not it continues, no one knows.

Can I offer a suggestion, to make sure and secure your half share of the house, which may have already been done initially, but any investment accounts etc and stop any joint accounts and as sad as it is, consult a lawyer.

There will be many questions you maybe asking yourself, but please consult your GP as well that may affect so many different aspects of your life.

I understand how difficult this is, as I was married for 25 years which ended in different circumstances, although there were some doubts I had.

Please take care.

Geoff.

[ecomama]

Dear Single51

Everyone's giving you great advice. I know how deeply betrayed you feel right now & maybe doing anything can feel like a super human struggle. This is normal. The emotional turmoil is real. I know it.

Getting a rational hold on things is paramount right now. Chumplady and joining the mighty Chump nation will really help you laugh through your tears. You'll see that all or most cheaters have the same M.O., the same techniques. You'll also see how "we" have become mighty - right there with you sister 😉

The cheating spouse is almost always way ahead on legal matters.

Hence getting legal advice is VERY important. DO NOT listen to the cheating spouse at all about splitting the assets. I know you don't want to hear about this and you DO need emotional support. We'll be here all the way.
Many spouses who've been cheated on then go on to believe their cheating spouses and do not get the share they are legally entitled to.

It doesn't matter how much you and he earnt in comparison. Nothing matters unless you still have children (well) under 18yo still living with you. Then it's around 5% per child or whatever you can muster on top of the 50%.

I got c80% of known assets.

Family Law dictates minimum 50/50 split of everything including Superannuations.

I hope you have spoken with a lawyer, in my experience Women's Legal Service (WLS) were all over it in terms of everything. Even after I got my own lawyers and barristers I kept asking WLS if the advice I was getting was the best, they always helped my legal team step up as it were. WLS is an invaluable service and I cannot recommend them highly enough.

Mine was a very long and arduous battle. I Pray that yours ends well and in a timely manner.
Then you will have time to recover, Chump Nation and all of us here are with you all the way.

Stay strong.

Love EM