Voices

[Deanchor]

Voices go from being strong and powerful to nothing it just depends on what I’m doing and what my environment is, I’m just coming to realise that they are the “voices” that have been in my head the whole time but they are just more abrupt and convincing to what I’ve had in my head in the past. I’ve always been one to put myself down and think what other people are thinking about what I’m doing, I lack in self confidence due to the bullying I have experienced.

What are the voices saying you may ask?

Well let me enlighten you they judge me on everything I do or doing, and make me feel as though I’m am walking into a set up to get bashed or kidnapped which is a part of my PTSD. I have come to realise this at the early stages of my attacks but not fully understand until this moment of time right now.

Let me explain it in a simple way it’s like smoking cigarettes and not wanting to quit. You know they’re bad for you but they are addictive for you so you keep smoking and as time goes on your lungs and body start to degrade and age.

I am now on the journey of trying to find reassurance and peace if I can to what I’m dealing with if any body reading this has any advice I am open to trying anything.

I am also currently waiting to be assessed to go in to a trauma clinic for 4 weeks as an inpatient and 2 weeks as an outpatient.

[therising]

Hi Deanchor

My heart goes out to you while you struggle so much with such tormenting upsetting dialogue. It can definitely be hard to find people who can relate to the kind of dialogue that goes from including 'I' or 'I'm' to 'You' or 'You're'. For example, when 'I'm hopeless. I can't do anything right' changes to 'You're hopeless. You can't do anything right'. From what you say, I assume you're hearing the second type of inner dialogue, the 'You'/'You're' type. The second type can definitely be tormenting in a whole variety of ways, that's for sure.

Personally, I've done a fair amount of research on what I'll call the 'You' factor, when it comes to inner dialogue. From basic research, including finding out whether others experience this (besides myself), to extensive research. I've come across a huge array of ideas, theories and experiences. Just a handful of opinions, theories or areas of research:

• Jamie Catto, in his book 'Insanely Gifted: Turn Your Demons Into Creative Rocket Fuel' suggests the dialogue comes from different facets of our self, such as the harsh and brutal depressing inner critic, the saboteur, the victim, the stresser etc or what you could call our 'inner demons', which need management. On the flip side, we can have helpful and positive guiding facets worth learning to tap into
• Julian Jaynes offers a theory in his book 'The Origin of Consciousness In The Breakdown of The Bicameral Mind'. He explores how consciousness develops and what it can sound like at times, with the 'You' factor included
• 'Crazywise' is a brilliant documentary that explores how mental health and hearing voices is treated in western society vs other societies that regard inner dialogue as a gift in some cases and schizophrenia in other cases. From the 'gift' perspective, it can be seen as one that needs mastering and a lot of guidance beyond only hearing the dark side of dialogue that comes to people
• 'The Hearing Voices Network' is an online network I imagine not a massive amount of people are aware of. It embraces a huge variety of people including those who struggle with depressing and/or anxiety inducing inner dialogue, those who struggle with what they proclaim to be divine guidance and not so divine guidance and those who struggle with schizophrenia
• While a couple of researchers from Yale School of Medicine have taken brain based research outside the square, their research is based on how those who proclaim to be psychic (clairaudient) hear voices compared to those with schizophrenia. While they have zero interest in regard to whether psychic abilities actually exist, their research is more about how one group constructively and effectively manages hearing voices compared to a group that suffers terribly through hearing voices

Just a handful of research areas there.

Then there's the basic old style 'angel on one shoulder, devil on the other' concept, the light side and dark side of inner dialogue and the influences that trigger either side. With this basic concept, the challenge becomes about learning to tap into the the light or bright side. Yep, easier said than done at times, especially during depressing times. The imagination can be a helpful tool in this case. If you imagine a little angel on the other shoulder or in the other ear, invite an answer to a question. This exercise can prove challenging as then it can become about being in 2 minds, while an inner battle takes place and you're left feeling caught in the middle. For example, 'Should I leave this job that's depressing me?'. While one side may dictate 'If you leave this job, this makes you a quitter. It makes you weak and, by the way, you may not find another job', the other may dictate 'You know you have to leave. The job's slowly destroying you'. A tip: While that little angel may sound challenging (challenging you to find another job) it will never sound depressing, degrading or fearful.

[Deanchor]

Thank you so much for your comment that means a lot, you have put a lot of time in to this comment which is greatly appreciated. 

I will be looking into those people you have mentioned to get a better understanding. 

Currently my doctor and psychiatrist are questioning schizophrenia as I have been diagnosed with Bi polar type 2 and suffer from complex ptsd and complex trauma. 

[therising]

I hope you're able to find the best guides to take you in the best direction, one that comes to serve you in many constructive ways. Given all you've faced in life, you deserve the best of everything, including the chance to find a greater sense of ease after working so hard to make it this far.

With the list I offer, I'd say the documentary 'Crazywise' is perhaps the most insightful, as it offers a variety of angles and first hand experiences from people, including those who've found their way and those who are still struggling and yet to find it. My deepest wish for you is that you find your way toward freedom from suffering, through liberating steps and constructive revelations.