Unable to connect with psychologists

[Soloyo]

Hi there,

I’ve had depression for a long time and seen a number of psychologists over the years. I’ve never had one that I really felt was hugely beneficial.

This year has been a particularly bad year:

The psychologist I was seeing initially ended up telling me that she didn’t think she was helping me (I had been seeing her for 12 months).

The next psychologist took months to get in to, and when I saw her I didn’t think she was helping. During this time I experienced suicidal ideation for the first time in my life, and she didn’t really respond to this, so I stopped seeing her after 6 sessions.

I’ve just started seeing another psychologist who I liked for the the first two sessions, but I feel as though in the third and fourth sessions he has said some extremely misogynist things - which has had me in tears for days!

Im really mentally unwell, and don’t know what to do to get the support I need. I’m being propped up by my GP and my psychiatrist. But really need a good psychologist.

Any suggestions on what I should do?

Thank you

[White_Rose]

Hello Soloyo

Sorry to be away for so long. It made me blink when I read your post about the psych's suggestions. A totally different approach and a change of diagnosis combined with a hospital stay and intensive group therapy. From my perspective as an onlooker it seems this psych has no idea what she is doing or what she should be doing. Sending you off to read about different techniques is as you say pointless. Are you sure she is qualified?

So pleased your psychiatrist disagreed. Can you go to him for therapy? I see a psychiatrist most weeks. I think our time is coming to an end because I am so much better but the point is your psychiatrist obviously knows his way around. He can also monitor your medication by your reports and by observing your behaviour first hand. A couple of months ago my psych said she had never seen me so happy. All good feedback.

Is there a reason why you want to see a psychologist? I imagine it's more expensive in the long run even if you have a mental health plan. How comfortable would you be with the psychiatrist? Have a chat with your GP who knows you quite well. If you prefer a psychologist ask the GP to ask around to find someone who knows their job. Mostly GPs know who's who on the block. Also ask the psychiatrist to recommend a psychologist.

I think David has made a good point about allowing someone to help him. We get to be prickly creatures at times. We want help but do not know how to ask. Sometimes we are given the appropriate help but do not recognise it. If someone makes a suggestion and you are not clear what it entails ask them to explain. I went to a psychiatrist who was happy to explain except that he used the same explanation and words as he did before. Hmm. A bit like shouting at someone who doesn't speak your language because they will understand at a louder volume.

Returning to the same psychologist seems fraught with frustration. I imagine it will take a long time to reach a good relationship. Try elsewhere.

Mary

[IreneM]

Hi Soloyo

I appreciate the fact that your psychiatrist is being supportive. You have got the right attitude for therapy. I would encourage you to find another one if, after being upfront with your psychologist, that she doesn't believe you or empathise with you to move on and find someone else. You can do this by using any or all of the suggestions that Mary gave.

It's important too, that you are able to open up with your psychologist in a similar way to how Paul (blondguy) did with his therapist. Feel free to talk about your issues and how that effects you.

I know it can be a terrible time to move between therapists, but once you find someone whom you can click with it is well worth the trouble. I have had bad advice too but once I found the right person I can address those issues. Please persist. We are right behind you.

Take care

Irene.

[Soloyo]

Hello all,

I just wanted to say thank you for all the kind messages. I’ve moved on to a new psychologist. We’ve only had one session, but I feel calmer for having made the decision to change psychologists again.

I think that people living with mental illness can be quite vulnerable at times... and it’s not ok that there are many professionals out there that are really not meeting a standard of care that I feel an average person should expect.

Im tired, but I remain hopeful. I’m less trustful of mental health services and systems, but I am more aware of how necessary it is to be a strong advocate for yourself.

Thanks again - having the support of people who have lived/are living with similar experiences has been powerful.

[blondguy]

Hello Soloyo

Its always a bonus to hear good news and thankyou for the complimentary post too 🙂

To be feeling tired is understandable Soloyo. You are doing everything you can to secure some peace of mind

Can I ask what you are expecting from your psychologist? (If thats okay)

my kind thoughts for you and your recovery

Paul

[Soloyo]

That’s a good question Tony.

I want help to understand why I am the way I am... and to be able to frame this in a positive way so as to develop my sense of identity, self worth and confidence.

I have this idea that if I have a stronger sense of identity I will be more at peace with where I am in life and where I’m heading. And feel more confident in decision making.

I don’t know how a therapist helps with this, but everything I read about my wants and needs says to get a good psychologist!

I feel pretty damaged by my experiences of psychologists - particularly all the labelling which I don’t find helpful at all. It just reduces my self esteem even further.

But ultimately, I don’t really know what I need, I just know I want to start feeling better. So I try to approach sessions without dictating terms - I’m not sure if this is the right approach but I just try to stay open to possibilities.

How do other people approach psychology sessions?

I would like to leave a session having a new perspective on something, or with something practical I feel comfortable trialling, or even just feeling a bit better. I haven’t had any of this from the last three therapists.

[IreneM]

HI Soloyo

I encourage you not to have unrealistic expectations of your therapist. The type of questions you have been receiving are an attempt to ask you to look at things from a different perspective. You certainly need a therapist who can encourage you to do reframing. This can be a simple as taking a step back from your immediate situation and looking at the bigger picture of your life as a whole.

About receiving labels. Some people find the labels helpful, as a means to understand why you are acting and behaving the way that you are; whilst you as you say can find them more hurtful than helpful. If you want anything that your therapist says to be helpful, try to accept what they say as an explanation for why you are feeling and thinking the way that you are. If you study the labels, you will soon know what is normal for those labels or conditions and accept that those symptoms are normal for you until you can get better therapy. No therapy can happen overnight - it is always an ongoing process.

Acceptance is always step one. It is a very emotional step to talk about your problems, thoughts and feelings; but if they are not out in the open they cannot be addressed. Once you can appreciate and accept why you are this way and what problems are making you be this way you can then move on to address and/or treat those issues.

From here your therapist can come up with the right therapy for you.

May I ask if you comfortable with talking to people face-to-face?

Irene.

[Soloyo]

Thanks Irene for your message. Can you clarify what a realistic expectation looks like? Or what you think is unrealistic about my expectations?

"I would like to leave a session having a new perspective on something, or with something practical I feel comfortable trialling, or even just feeling a bit better. I haven’t had any of this from the last three therapists."

I initially thought that a label would be helpful. It was a few years ago now that I accepted I had depression and it would be lifelong (rather than just situational issues causing low mood) and that helped me with decision making around moving from a small town to a capital city so I could access better supports - and while I have had mixed experiences with support (I do have a good GP and psychiatrist) i think it was a good decision.

Recent new labels have not been helpful. I have had two psychologists sit down with me and a copy of the DSMV and tell me that i do/dont have this one diagnosis. They were both adamant. Its not helpful, its just stressful.

I'm at the point now where i dont care what the label is - whether i do or dont have this diagnosis, this insight doesnt help me stop crying every morning and evening. So maybe to start with I just want to stop crying every day - but when I think about why im crying it all comes back to low self esteem/self worth and no idea what im doing and where im heading with my life.

I am comfortable talking face to face. I am really open in person and comfortable sharing information about myself in counselling session.

I really dont know what else to do.

[hope4joy]

Hi Soloyo,

I just read through this thread and want to say hello! I think it is wonderful how persistent you are, because you do deserve to find the recovery from mental illness that you're searching for.

You said that the reason you want to see is a psychologist is for self understanding and positive reframing "so as to develop my sense of identity, self worth and confidence". I hope you don't mind me quoting what you wrote.

For me two things really stand out. Firstly, the mantra I've held close over the last ten years is that action leads to change. Understanding and awareness are really helpful, but from my experience it is only action in one's day to day life leads to change. I see a psychologist for understanding, but also to problem solve how to stick with challenging situations and how to cultivate new positive things in my life (friends, work etc). Basically she helps me identify my needs and then how to meet them. In my experience the psychology session does not bring change, but what I do between sessions in changing my behaviour is what brings recovery. When I achieve goals, follow through with things, have meaningful connections with people, take on responsibility etc - that is what provides self confidence, joy, fulfilment. My identity and confidence come from what I do today, and my mindset while I'm doing it. My psychologist is like my cheer-leader and life coach! I have seen her for a few years now, anywhere from weekly to monthly as I need it.

I have also had a lot of help from psychiatrists. My current pysch is lovely and with her we talk meds but also the big picture stuff about my overall health. She offers therapy too but I'm quite well know so don't need it. Before her I saw a psychiatrist without taking meds - just for therapy - once a week for a couple of years - and through this process I did all the understanding and analysing I wanted for a lifetime! I was scared of people knowing the real me so she was also essential to build up trust. I also had lots of transference between her and family members and we worked through that. If you are looking for weekly support a psychiatrist who bulk bills is a very affordable way to do it because you can have 50 or so sessions in a year instead of just the 6 +4 with a psychologist.

Kind wishes,

Hope

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I have this idea that if I have a stronger sense of identity I will be more at peace with where I am in life and where I’m heading. And feel more confident in decision making.

[LilyR]

Hi Hope,

I’ve just read through your post and couldn’t help but feel jealous. It seems like you’ve found a really great psychologist/psychiatrist. If you don’t mind me asking, did you have to speak to a few psychologists/psychiatrists before you found the one you are seeing now? The last psychologist I had was really nice but after our sixth session she said something along the lines of ‘I don’t seem to be helping you’. I felt like she didn’t want to talk to me anymore and maybe could have tried a bit harder. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful but I feel really negative about the whole thing and blame myself and think that I could have perhaps tried harder. Do you have any suggestions about opening up to psychologists as I want to be happy and make the most of therapy but I feel like giving up on it if, after only six sessions, psychologists say that they cannot help me.

Thanks, Lily

[hope4joy]

Hi Lily,

Its nice to hear from you. What you asked is similar to Soloyo so I can try to answer it here. Please don't give up - you deserve to find the help you need.

I want to stress that we all have our own strengths and challenges when seeking help - and as I've mentioned, trusting people was one of my biggest hurdles, so my experience with therapists has been shaped by that. Group programs have also been important to validate and challenge me in a way that individual therapy can't because group members were peers rather than 'professionals'. I've also done a lot of things outside of psychology that help from yoga, exercise to journaling - which helps take some pressure off the therapy.

From a practical side of things, I research therapists before starting: making sure I can afford to see them once my mental health care plan runs out and that location/parking options and session times suits. I have sometimes travelled (my current psychologist is 1 hour away, which is a lot for me) if they seemed worth it. I also rang reception (or the therapist) to ask about their approach if it wasn't on a website. I sought my current psychologist because she did a particular type of therapy that I wanted to do. I've also felt more comfortable with female therapists - and have found experienced therapists to be better equipped to help me - and I do better with therapists that are older than me. It might not apply but the office environment and receptionist were important to me in the early days, as a welcoming, safe, nicely decorated (not clinical) environment helped me relax and connect.

And as to the psychologist themselves, it seems that my connections have changed as I've changed. When I was at my lowest point I went to see my first psychologist and at the end of the session she said that she couldn't help me - she told me there was nothing wrong. I was devastated she didn't do more - but I see in retrospect that I always tried to stay positive - so gave a different impression than my internal hell. I only saw a psychologist again 3 yrs later. She was passionate about somatic-based therapy and it was a great fit for me.

In terms of what helped me connect, I used to write out key points I wanted to address each session - sometimes I still do. We wouldn't necessarily cover them all but it helped the session meet my needs. I also wrote down goals for attending + discussed these.

I'm not sure what else to write, maybe other's have input too?

Kind wishes, Hope