turning insecurity into confidence - suggestions for succesful treatments?

fatima · ‎04-11-2015

hi

i am terribly insecure deep inside and the more I read/think, I come to the conclusion that I just cant let myself be succesfull and feel confident. I really want to fix this as it is repeatedly throwing me into disarray.

Reading the internet, there are so many different therapies and i have tried some before (esp cbt) but this was not helping. I can understand the theory but cant change the 'worthless feeling'. Is there anyone that has succeeded and would you mind sharing how?

I am happy to invest in therapy, programs etc but am just worried that most is just a 'grab for money' instead of real. E.g. i read some on pathwaytohappiness.com that sounds interesting but then again...maybe its just a moneypit.

TIA

White_Rose · ‎04-11-2015

Dear Tia

Hello, pleased to meet you. It's good you have found your way to Beyond Blue. I hope we can help and support you.

I imagine that there are internet programs that are of little use and possibly designed to part you from your cash. The most needy people are the most vulnerable. Dr Google is not always the best source of information.

I suggest that you start your journey to greater confidence by a visit to your GP. This is the best person to refer you to a reputable therapist. If you do not have a GP then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on Find a Professional. This will take you to a drop down list where you can search for a GP by postcode. These GPs have experience in managing mental health issues.

One of the difficulties with DIY treatments is the lack of skilled input. You mention CBT and say you understand the theory. But applying the theory is not as easy as it appears. We are clever at believing we are implementing something when in reality all we are doing is going round in circles. It is incredibly helpful to have a skilled person guiding you.

So get some reputable input and restore your self confidence.

Mary

BKYTH · ‎05-11-2015

Sometimes it is just as important to look inside as well as outside. Learning how to confront and accept your insecurity can enable you move forward. I wonder what you mean you say you feel insecure? When you say that you cannot let yourself be successful and feel confident you immediately look outside of yourself. That is important as we all can benefit from the wisdom of others but you must examine your own conclusion. You base it on reading and thinking. Most of the later can be based on what you have read and the reading you will do in the future. Examine your insecurity. Demand that its source reveal itself to you after all it is you who creates it. Write down what comes to mind but most importantly notice what you feel and stay with the feeling however unpleasant and let it teach you about yourself. The edict 'know thyself' is essential and takes courage. We are all our own greatest teachers and yet we seek the words and understanding of others. What is it that is in you that created a sense of worthlessness? It does not come from a source external to yourself so you give birth to it. You nourish it with with every moment you spend harboring it. For myself I accept the insecurity that is inherent in life. I don't ask for it to be otherwise. I have come to accept and not to fear death. I have learned to allow suffering and pain to accompany me on my journey. I live each moment as though it were last because one day it will be. Every day life teaches me about its nature and I have learned over time to see and to listen to what is being revealed to me. I don't need therapies or programs nor am I willing to invest in them. Much that is offered is as you describe and worse. If you would wish to not feel worthless then ask yourself what sustains that feeling and further ask yourself why or what you think that allows you to remain impotent in its grasp. What you create can be changed. Philip.

fatima · ‎05-11-2015

thank you for your response. I will most certainly look for a professional to help.
I spend a lot of time on public transport so am thinking that i could use some of that time to work on myself instead of wasting it on fb. Thats why I wonder if any online programs are useful but I fully appreciate that it would be as a add on only.

fatima · ‎05-11-2015

thank you for your response.

You are right, it comes from within and that is why it has to be changed from within.
I am my own harshest critic and feel like I am never good enough. I understand to a certain extent where it comes from (my mum) but to be honest, I can blame her but really, it is me who lets things affect me and tell myself I am worthless.
the mind is a funny thing. My boss told me the other day that he is satisfied with my performance. Instead of being happy with that, my bloody mind turns it into 'you managed to cheat him into thinking positive so far. It wont last long, you will be found out to be a fraud soon!". Argg, how to get rid of that internal critiscism....

BKYTH · ‎08-11-2015

I think for some of us we are our own harshest critic as you say. There are always reasons behind the compulsive thoughts we have but it is always far better to confront those thoughts and change them than to blame others for them being there. Seeking out their origin is only useful in so far as its helps us to understand why they exist but its not useful if you then blame others as some people do. I am not perfect and neither are those who were a part of my past. They were doing the best that they could with the personal resources that were available to them - I would prefer to forgive than to blame and to take responsibility for my present conditions.. The useless and unrealistic thoughts we have acquired about ourselves can be made conscious, challenged and changed. We can only ever be victims of circumstances if we choose to be. It takes consistent challenging of these thoughts, such as the one that you expressed in your last paragraph. that can bring them to an end. They hide in our ignorance of their origins and survive there until we root them out. Hunt these thoughts out. Never let them go unchallenged. See how unrealistic that though was in response to your bosses comment. Life is challenging enough you don't need to be under mining yourself in this way. Get some help. Philip.

Dwwmills · ‎13-11-2015

Hi Tia.

I’ve had quite a bit of success in the last 18 months. I’ve
used CBT and medication. CBT only works if you stick at it over a long period
of time. With CBT you are trying to change your thought patterns by replacing
them with new ones and challenging negative thought processes. You’ve used your
old thought processes for a very long time so they can take a little bit of
shifting. I still use CBT but no longer use the medication.

I have been seeing a psychologist for many years so have
learned quite a lot about CBT in this time. I would go through cycles of
feeling anxious, seeing the psychologist, using CBT, feeling better and then
stopping the CBT. I’d feel good for a while then I would slowly slip back into
my old thought patterns.

I found a great app that uses CBT. It was designed by a
psychologist and is extremely well put together. It’s also free. It has audios,
articles, tests, exercises and several different types of apps. This app has
allowed me to continue using CBT daily at no cost. It’s like a diary but it
takes you through the process of using CBT and challenging your thoughts at the
same time.

I understand what you’re talking about with success in
feeling confident. I had the same problem and it’s only really started to
change in the last year.

Your boss saying you are doing a good job is a success. You
need to celebrate your successes. You need to let yourself acknowledge that
success. It’s amazing how we automatically dismiss this as somebody being
fooled by us. We hear our negative thoughts so many times that one contrary
opinion doesn’t even make a dent in how we feel. By acknowledging your successes
and challenging the negative thoughts is how you build confidence over time.
You must be doing your job well. You need to get used to hearing yourself say
this in your head. When it no longer sounds strange you are getting somewhere.
I don’t mean telling yourself something that is not true because this won’t
work. You probably are doing your job well you just need to look for evidence
rather than ignoring the evidence.

I now put myself in situations where I could fail and this
would be embarrassing but most times I succeed. This is extremely rewarding and
it builds confidence. If I do fail I use this as a learning experience. So
either way I win. I only fail if something goes wrong and I don’t learn from
it.

fatima · ‎15-11-2015

thank you for your response.
so good to read you are doing well with CBT and even got off medication.

I am curious about that app. Can you let me know it's name please?

I have been reading a lot on low self esteem over the past week and I so recognise myself. Yes, I need to learn to start believing when someone says I do well and not discount it. Its just the negative self talk and it needs to be reprogrammed.
I am going to seek help as I can see that this will be a long term process and I want to 'fix it' once and for all, not just feel better for a while and drop off again. Just need to find the right therapist I guess to give me long term guidance. That app might help in that purpose as well.

Thanks so much for your response. So good to hear that CBT is working for you, it gives me hope!

Dwwmills · ‎16-11-2015

I went through the same decision of “fix it” once and for
all about 18 months ago. It was an important decision as it allowed me to OWN the
problem. I’d been through cycles like you of tackling the problem, feeling
better, stopping and then anxiety coming back again. I saw how it was affecting
people around me and I decided enough is enough. Once I took charge of things,
the psychologist, psychiatrist and the CBT app were just tools I use to tackle
the problem. No matter how long it took I was going to beat it or at least get
it under control.

I cannot post a link but the app I use is called
“Cognitive Diary CBT Self-Help Version 3.5+”. It links back into supporting
articles, audios and other apps. There is a self-esteem app there as well. The
thing I like about it is that it is completely integrated with CBT. By using
the app you slowly learn how CBT works and how to use it. The applications
access to a wealth of knowledge and its ability to remind me to use CBT is what
has made this app work for me. The application is not a replacement for a
psychologist but it did mirror what they were telling me so it helped reinforce
their messages well.

fatima · ‎22-11-2015

hey

thanks for that app. its amazingly detailed with much info. I am reading the background articles.

I am also reading breaking the chain of low self esteem and starting to work throught that one. My husband is very supportive and working through it with me. I know that is not a replacement for therapy but hopefully it will help me keep track and keep going. its daunting to know that this will be such a long process but it all makes sense so its just up to me to keep going!

hope you are around occassionally dwwmills. would be great to check in with you as a bit of a backup as well. I am so glad to read your posts and that you are doing ok. I hope to be able to say the same too. maybe that way we can be supports to others as well.