Thoughts on rejection by a psychologist

[Here2Talk]

Hi all,

Don't know why I’m posting. To simplify my back story, I have had generalised and social anxiety for most of my life. been through a few therapists, all of whom have been supportive, though only ever allayed my symptoms marginally...

I went to a clinical psychologist (drove 250kms to really try to sort myself out properly this time.... maybe.... and by halfway through a first session has said maybe I have add and that I shouldn’t her and to find a psychiatrist instead. Without going into my concerns here (simply because the story is lengthy), I don’t agree that there’s nothing she can do for me, she is seeing me for one more session to clarify. Yet part of me is conflicted and hurt- why would a “professional” - with two bachelor degrees and a master degree and a PhD abandon someone after - it was clear by half an hour into the first session that she was not interested.... Why can you not even pay people to talk to you? And why do I want to continue therapy with this person? Part of me is cognizant of how difficult and expensive it has been to set this up but I feel like almost I’ve been betrayed.....

anyway... comment if you have thoughts

[Here2Talk]

Thanks for the words Geoff. Just wanna express my awe at how you always provide kind and helpful words for others on this forum- I’ve read fragmented little bits and pieces of your story and it is just yeah inspiring- not that others here aren’t too, I just wanted to mention that.

its weird like I said I have always had loving parents no rejection really there, never had friends tho... but it’s still surprised me how I am reacting to this...

[Guest_9872]

Being rejected by a psychologist or counsellor is very painful. I have had similar experiences. I think it is a very hard form of rejection to cope with. But she might be on to something with the add (or adhd). It seems to be a common pattern that parents with adhd have autistic children. It's something I have observed a lot. Addressing the adhd might be the thing you need.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Here2Talk,

Thought I'd check in with you, see how you're going.

Reading through the posts, I began thinking of the struggles I have had with, firstly, a PDr who decided to take up further training, in Sydney (I'm in Brisbane), and realising how much I had come to depend on him. It was not until he told me he would be leaving that I had even suspected how I would feel about it. I didn't get much time to deal with those feelings with him before he left.

I was hurt by his departure. I withdrew, in a sense, saying 'eff off then', wanting to hurt him in return.

But I did ask him to refer me on to someone who practised similarly to himself. I was very hurt to discover he had referred me to someone who was very different in his approach to how he treated his patients. (not just me).

I began looking for someone else again. It was expensive, and I did not find someone at first. Continued seeing the PDr who I did not feel had my interests in mind, because I felt stuck with him, too frightened to not see anyone at all as well.

Still, I realised, with every break, holiday, Xmas (the worst), I felt my anxiety go up to the sky. I had become attached despite my dislike of the fellow. What the?? I must laugh, I think I was being irrational ... & continued until I could tolerate him no more. He was not hearing my complaints, so I was literally unheard. I was feeling worse as time when on.

Eventually, I did find someone, but she could not give me the frequency or length of sessions I feel are better for me.

So I went looking again. I have found someone who is much more like the one who went to Sydney, and part of what I want to work through is the unfinished work I had begun so long before. I feel I am, in a round-about way, doing that.

He does hear me, he has expressly asked me to bring up any issues I have with the relationship we have.

And again, I am attached to him too! I am anxious every break and holiday, fearful he will not be back, or I will have some major event occur, and thoughts, such as, although I told him how I feel, he still goes away, as if what I said doesn't matter. (How ridiculous and unreasonable is that?)

Deep problem, eh? You bet, and deeper.

By the way, I acknowledge he needs breaks. ✅ I got that.

Your experiences are valuable. You won't make the same mistake that Clinical Psychologist did with you. that's some compensation?? Maybe.

mmMekitty

[Here2Talk]

PART 1:

Hi again mmMekitty,

Thanks for the in depth explanation in your post. I love hearing minute little details of what people think and feel inside.Your story is particularly interesting.

I have always tried to never get too attached to anyone... Like excepting that I have a great relationship with my parents and wife and young kids - I've never trusted anyone much apart from that. And usually I have not regretted not trusting people, although it's probable that part of that outcome is due to self-fulfilling prophecy.... I don't know why I reacted the way I did. I had only met the psychologist once so I don't even know it was attachment... Probably just desperation at the way my anxiety is making me crumble harder the more complicated my life gets... Too many problems (debt, finances, having to sacrifice things for my education which has been such a drawn out process). I guess I was hoping in light of all this complexity that something would help me go into remission for GAD after suffering since a child.... I don't know how to feel now, but at least the distress at losing what I thought might be a way out is now gone... just a distant memory... How quickly panic and terror can come and go like it was never there at all.

I have gotten attached to a couple of therapists in the past, but not in a big way. I have either had to move myself or just felt like I outgrew them (like they had reached all they could do for me).

[Here2Talk]

A bit disappointed at psychology in general though.... I left the last one because he was looking like closing the books in the future.... I didn't want a precarious relationship like that one. And you know of the very recent one... I am so put off now.... Do you try one of very few psychologists in your small town, try the next suggestion of your GP which might fail, or try via spending a tonne of money and inconvenience looking for one who is actually experienced in psychological disorders... to have it maybe blow up in your face anyway... IDK.

A little phrase has been going through my head lately... "good mental health, for those who can afford it". It's just so expensive and... of limited value at times... I wonder if there is a better way than going to someone whom you have to give like a quarter of a thousand dollars for 50 minutes of their time... I don't know what that would be, but I feel like if there were other options that would be good. Puts me in a weird state of mind considering the kind of career I am trying to get into.

Partly that is because of the way these monetary societies are set up. Partly there are no other good ways people can get good help also because bureaucracies and organisations set up monopolies on titles (e.g. it is illegal to call yourself a psychologist without at least 6 years preparation with courses that are approved by a specific bureaucracy (the Psych board of Australia). And just about everything can be litigated in court... Part of me understands that this is in place to protect vulnerable people; but when the professions leave people behind - and from what I've read in these forums, they do it A LOT - it would be nicer if there were other things available to individuals who are suffering...

I have heard of new access and various programs, and it is great what forums like this and phone help lines etc. do, but stuff is either helpful to people who are experiencing mild problems (e.g. this forum). Help lines are not suited to mild problems, or chronic problems such as that I have experienced for a couple of decades. Forums like this are okay for mild problems. Maybe help lines are good for people with severe problems sometimes, but not for people repeatedly in crisis.... What people need is sustained relationships with helping people... I don't know how this would ever happen, but I know that what we provide for people is not enough......

[mmMekitty]

Hello Here2Talk
I use BB to supplement what I have with myPDr.
I’ve had conversations with myPDr about the cost of seeing him. I wonder how much he could raise his fees before I would have to decide I could not sustain the ongoing expense. Without Medicare, I'd have not seen him in the first place. He is putting up his fee this month. Medicare usually increases the amount it refunds, but I still end up a little more out of pocket.
He offered to negotiate with me. to agree upon a lower fee, especially when it seemed the Gov might withdraw the COVID-19 telehealth item number he uses. That would have been awful for many people.
I have problems negotiating anything, asking for what I need, having these arguments with people, & then being treated as 'special'. If he reduced his rate for everyone, fine. Or even if he charged according to the individual's means to pay?
I can only pay because I am strict about what is essential, not in debt & only responsible for myself.
I am on DSP, live in low rent social housing.
Still, I keep wondering, how much would I pay to keep going to him, rather than finding, if possible, someone I could work with, as well as I do with him? I need as much continuity of care as I can get.
I wish he never took a break.
Before telehealth, I have wondered just how far a distance I would travel to see him if he was to relocate? Not as far as Sydney, to be sure. That can become an issue for many as well, especially those living in places not far from metropolitan city locations.
I feel I have put myself through this business of finding someone gets too difficult to contemplate doing again.
You can't know in advance if you can work with someone, & you have to pay for the first consult, often at a higher rate than subsequent consults. & Medicare does not refund as much. I'm speaking of Psychiatrists, so I'm not sure if this is the same for Psychologists.
I find Mental Health Care Plans are inadequate. I’m in a close suburb of Brisbane & could not find a Psychologist near enough to be practical, & who could help with my specific problem. I settled for seeing the one who worked part-time from the local GP's office & she could not give me regular appointments, & then wanted to reschedule a couple, & I also didn't think she was responsive to my need to have her more proactive in the pursuit of my needs. She was too much like a friend to be my therapist.

Poverty ✔

Little or no choice ✔

Unable to advocate for myself ✔

= Powerless ✔

mmMekitty

[Here2Talk]

You highlight a lot of problems that I am starting to see myself meKitty. Especially after my recent visit... I am a bit disillusioned with the system at the moment. If only there were a free system that provided some of what professionals do, in a more timely manner... A large part of the benefits of psychotherapy come from the therapeutic relationship itself, rather than all the “techniques” anyway...

[gucia6]

Hi Here2Talk,

I am sorry to see yet another person going through disappointing experience with their psychologists.

And being psychologist or psychiatrist does not give immunity to having mental health problems. I would even say, that they are more exposed to it than an 'average' person.

In terms of experiences with psychologists, I would consider myself lucky. I found an amazing GP who is interested in mental health research, and I am grateful that I can discuss my health concerns with him relatively openly.

When he sent me to first psychologist, I did not know really what to expect. But I felt horribly invalidated when he dismissed all the trauma, depression and anxiety suggestions indicated by my GP. I stuck with him for 3 sessions, and some tools he gave me were actually quite helpful, but he seemed too much focused on the tools rather than somehow moving to the core of the problem. And yeah, this was probably his therapy style, but it did not click with me.

When I went to a counsellor from work, I was told, that my problems were due to my lack of assertiveness. It felt it was my fault to not have it, and I had to be fixed. Fair enough, good to know, but feeling guilty for something I have not signed for (lack of assertiveness caused by many years of abuse) did not go well with me. I cancelled all following appointments.

The psychiatrist I went to get diagnosis seemed rather uninterested, because my issues does not require medication. And it looked like he was not really familiar with my GPs report. But in the end I got official diagnosis of my problems, which pretty much was what I suspected, and gave me directions for therapy. Good enough for me.

The new psychologist my GP sent me to after the official diagnosis seems to be a good fit. I had only one session so far, but I liked her approach and we had a good conversation flow (which is quite unusual for me when meeting new person).

I am learning that people in our lives come and go. That we need to be able to let them in and let them go. That in any interactions if I am feeling comfortable, I will continue. If I am not, I will look for someone else. And because I fear rejection, I am trying not to develop emotional attachments, because it backfires at me (the more I know a person, the easier I am triggered when things change).