Parent of a 33 year old son who won’t seek treatment

[Mum of adult children]

Hi community, I’m the mother of a son who has suffered from anxiety and depression since he was a teenager. When he was 17 I arranged for him to see a psychiatrist and he was prescribed anti depressants. His father and I had a very very difficult divorce which put a lot of stress and pressure on him. His father disagrees with all psychological treatment or medication. My son stopped taking anti depressants and then spent many years abusing drugs of many types.

to his credit, he kicked all drugs and now won’t drink alcohol or take any drugs, however in recent years his depression has got worse and recently I think he’s often having manic periods too. He refuses to see any doctors and my despair grows as he experiences long depression episodes where he withdraws from family and friends. He can’t sleep properly and can’t hold down a job. 
how can I converse with him to encourage him to seek help? I don’t understand what’s wrong and I’m ill equipped to understand his issues or talk with him. I feel he won’t improve unless he seeks help. Is there a way to help him or will he need to do it himself? Should I keep offering food and financial support or should I stop. Confused and feeling heartbroken.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

To your credit as a very good mother, you have stuck by your son under tough conditions.

You might already know that one of the most common problems on this site is reading peoples posts about a loved one with mental health issues that refuse to seek help. That issue gets worse it seems, as the person grows older be it stubbornness or past experiences with doctors or medication.

Unfortunately the closer the carer is (in this case yourself) the more likely he wont take action. Your son knows how to - do as he pleases and being 33yo he can go on and refuse help. 

I would suggest that you plan for his GP to pay a home visit. Certainly dont tell your son he/she will arrive. While this risks a backlash from your son as you have already said, you are heart broken and at a loss. It's time for desperate measures.

While his father has taken his stance with meds etc it is his right to do so, just that it causes issues you could do without. You cant make people change their thinking so let that lie, it isnt worth pinning too much relevance on that as your son is 33 and he can use his own mind. His depression might however be associated with that turmoil of your divorce, this is why professional attention is needed.

TonyWK

[Croix]

Dear Mum of adult children~

I'd like ot join TonyWK in welcoming you here to the forum and agree your son is lucky to have a loving mother like yourself. Unfortunately it is a terribly worrying thing for you , and sadly there are no easy solutions.

As Tony says a lot of people come there wiht this exact problem - someone they love needs medical assistance but refuses to get it. At 32 your son is an adult and would be capable of deciding what he can do. You don't really have any power to make him do anything; except perhaps withdraw financial support - something you appear to have considered but maybe are in two minds about

Sometimes the approach one takes may not be the right one. There is a temptation to use logic - to say he will feel better, be more capable and not upset you. If you have said this sort of thing it has not worked. Similarly to find fault will not be productive.

Maybe another approach, praising him for his maturity and strenght in giving up drugs and alcohol -an immensely hard thing to do. At the same time try to frame seeking assistance as a manly and responsible course of action. Maybe you can make him feel relied upon rather than a drain on your resources.

I may not be explaining what I mean that well, however the general idea is to present getting to the doctor as an admirable and praiseworthy positive action by someone exhibiting maturity and resourcefulness when facing life's adversity.

As I mentioned this is extremely hard on you, and appears like there is no end in sight. So may I ask what support you have? Your son has you, who do you have? Is there a family member or friend you can discuss things with frankly? They do not have to 'fix' anything, just listen and care. Trying to cope by yourself is extra hard.

Please do feel free to come back here anytime and talk some more.

Croix

[Mum of adult children]

Thank you. Getting a GP to do a home visit without his patient’s consent won’t be possible. It’s tragic. Thanks.

[Mum of adult children]

Thank you. I remain encouraging and I praise him. He just gets worse. My husband is involved but he’s been ghosted often by my son for helping. It’s hard.

[Brian1]

Hi there, 

Refusing to take medication is a dangerous idea. I understand that there might be medication phobia due to bad experiences in the past or loss of confidence in effectiveness of medication but I am learning that there are some low cost blood and urine tests to reveal levels of seretonin and dopamine and other hormones or neurotransmitters affecting mental health. I suggest talking to your husband and son to consider pathological tests to identify chemical deficiencies in the body that will help to identify right medicine to regulate chemical imbalances if any. The outcome of this exercise helps all parties to make an informed decision about taking medication or seeking counselling from professionals.

I recommend to take a scientific approach as discussions based on abstract thoughts won't be helpful.

Evidence based therapy through discovery of body chemistry is sensible to all. Like taking medicine for diabetics or high cholesterol etc.

Search internet for blood and urine tests that can identify deficiencies impacting mental health.

I am no expert in this field but I learnt this through my own personal case.