New therapist... terrified to start over

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

It's pretty early in the morning here.... I havent slept at all.

I have just made an appointment with a new therapist & am terrified of opening old wounds.

I've had years of therapy before... and was lucky enough to find someone I loved. It took a long time to get my story out...but I did - and in retrospect she saved my life.

Things are different now.... and there are new challenges & needs to be met. But I can't deny the past and I know I will be faced with giving a history and context. I just don't know if I can do it.

I find therapy hard.. in that - for an hour or so in the week... I have to peel back layers of self protection enough to be honest and real with someone... and let myself be vulnerable enough for the therapy to be useful. But on the way out of that office I need to pile all the masks back on...reseal the wounds... and slap on my game face.. because life goes on - and I have to put myself back together again to function in the real world.

There's no point in doing the work of therapy if i can't be honest... but if I'm being honest- I want to lie...I want to skim over my life and fast forward to the "now" - like I do every day with everyone else - who can see there's a mess.... but would never know the extent.

There's no real question... I just needed to "out" it.... thanks if you made it this far...

[bipolarbeauty]

Good morning, b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.

Therapy is certainly harder to do than it sounds. As you say, it puts us at a position where we have to open our wounds of the past and learn to accept them, and let them go from a different light. To speak and say it loud to especially a new therapist is a frightening, and daunting thing to do.

I saw my first therapist in the community and continued him to see him for a few years later, until I realise it didn't work out with this therapist. I have had my personal goals with this particular therapist, and I basically was growing in my own recovery and felt the therapist couldn't help anymore. So I am seeing a social worker now who practices therapy and counselling, and it's going good so far.

I noticed that I don't cry anymore when I open my wounds of the past to this particular therapist now, and I think it's cause I've moved past the pain I endured and now be able to have let them go, and accept them that I am a human being and have feelings and emotions, and take it as a grain of salt.

[geoff]

hello b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l, can I suggest as people have often mentioned is that you write down what you want and need to say, rather than telling them what you have explained before, that's not only the hard part, but it seems as though you have told so many other people the same problems, but nothing much has helped, and then begin your conversation.
OK you can talk about 'now', but there are circumstances why you are today what you weren't years ago, and the question that will arise is why.
If you want to lie then aren't you being dishonest to yourself, because we all put on the fake mask once we leave a session with our psychologist or when we have to face the world, that's standard protocol, but with your therapist, whether you have been seeing them for awhile or whether they are fairly new, are there for a reason, but what I do know is that it will be very agonising, taking you back to all those terrible experiences or situations that you dread to even mention, but if you don't, then they will be with you for a long time, and you won't have any coping measures in place.
It's not easy, I know because I too have been through it all, but I wouldn't be where I am now if I hadn't tackled them with the help of my psychologist. Geoff.

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you bipolar beauty and Geoff for your kind replies...

It really is such a difficult thing to make a bond with someone in a therapeutic relationship and make it work.

I do like the idea of writing things down. Perhaps it's a good place to start.. will be useful to order some thoughts so I don't get overwhelmed too... which is very very possible right now.

[thylacine]

Hi b.l.u.e.b.e.l.l.,

Sometimes going over old stuff can be reopening old wounds which isn't helpful at all. It's an old school approach that we have to purge ourselves of the past to heal, there are definitely other ways. You might like to say that you "would most like to focus on things you are struggling with in the present and perhaps your relationship with the past (Without going heavily into what occurred there)". You are being honest and protecting yourself at the same time. This has been one of the skills I have learned in therapy. All the ways I can protect myself from re-traumatization whilst remaining authentic. Being able to listen and trust myself in deciding what is helpful and unhelpful - has been another skill (as self sabotage loves to live here too). I try to book my sessions in where I know I have nothing on afterwards, just so I can give myself some time to understand what happened in the session and how I can keep the learnings. If I don't have time, the mask goes on for sure and I make time elsewhere.

best wishes for you 🙂

[b_l_u_e_b_e_l_l_]

Thank you thylacine- that's good advice with great timing. My past is certainly a part of my future but I don't want to dredge up every sordid detail again.... it's time to move on.

I visited my gp for mental health plan etc... and along with the referral he included a 4 page document from a psychiatrist I have seen previously detailing my life story ....

GP thought it would be helpful for giving a background and history. I didn't even know it existed... so it really had me come undone when I came home and read it. My basic story... in black and white as written by someone else. A bit surreal and very confronting... I'm not sure I'm really ok to give it over to the new therapist - especially given the unsolicited feelings associated with it.

Maybe I'll burn it... there's time to think before my appointment.

THanks for your thoughts... I really do appreciate it!