My partner is gaslighting me

[Unsure of my life]

My partner and I arrived in Bali for a holiday about a week ago. We have had a few fights recently and this just tipped us over the edge.  He had a great time in the ferry over, had quite a few drinks then when we arrived at the hotel he passed out on the bathroom floor.  I went out and had fun with my friends but kept checking on him. I encouraged him to move onto the bed. He did eventually and started snooping through my phone. The next time I came in I got told to get out and that I’m a liar and a hoar. He then came out to the pool and told me to take off my engagement ring and stormed out.  I continued to try and have fun as I had no idea what was up with him. I went into my room later and he had trashed it. The contents of my bag were all over the room, books torn up, horrible comments left as a screensaver on my iPad.  My friends tried to talk to him and he said I had been deleting messages on my phone.

So I have a very very good friend of that I’ve know for around 15 years(we dated around 15years ago also and stayed friends). He has been there for me though some dark times in my life. I love him to pieces as a friend. Well anyway for some reason there is a message at the top of my phone from his old work phone which comes with a timestamp of today( the day it is opened) and he thinks I have been deleting messages. There are another 2 messages from other people that also does it for some reason. I tried to explain this to him and he didn’t want a bar of it. He said it’s obvious anyway. My friend lives in another state and if I wanted to be with him I would. I wouldn’t have spent all my savings on a house deposit and accepted his marriage proposal if I didn’t want to be with him. He has kicked me out of home and thrown out relationship away over something that never happened. I’m heartbroken

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

The grief you are feeling now will go on for some time along with the confusion. At this time there isnt much you can do about a relationship that is going along the course that he dictates, unless he find reason and opens up to that, you are powerless, hence why you are here.

Re: " I continued to try and have fun as I had no idea what was up with him. "  If you dont mind I'll just pick you up one that point. It read like "having fun" is more important that whatever was "up" with him. That isnt the better attitude to take imo. Perhaps it wasnt meant but in most cases of dispute there is two sides and to acknowledge we could have handled it better, is to take responsibility for our side of things.

Nevertheless it appears to me he had built up issues well before this holiday. Alcohol likely played a role but often that can bring out what is simmering underneath. 

Keeping distance is needed IMO and waiting until HE COMES TO YOU, very important because running to him trying to patch things up when he is responsible for - poor communication, assumptions, not respecting boundaries eg trust with your personal relationships, they all are recipes for disaster that could have been avoided by calm respectful chatting. His failure to be reasonable and fair is a red flag.

I hope you are ok. I've had 3 long term bust ups all over 7 years long. It never gets easy but what is certain is that these conflicts are part of life for many people and one benefit will always remain- that one way or the other it sorts out the relationship for better or worse and that will determine your own future and that future will be improved. Not obvious now but will be.

TonyWK