Meds are making me worse....

[Kaylina]

I'm really not doing great today. I haven't been doing great all week. 

i had a bit of a breakdown a few weeks ago. I'm a nurse, I work in intensive care, and my anxiety, which I've had most of my life had been growing out of control over the last few months.

I thought I had been unlucky enough to pick up three rounds of gastro since July - but the reality is the concept of going to work and what that day will bring is making me physically ill, with vomiting and diarrhoea.  My GP prescribed me a benzo, and an antidepressant. The anti-depressant was meant to make me restless, instead it made me sleepy - but bareably so (I haven't been able to sleep much lately so I thought this was a good thing). 

Last week on Wednesday I was meant to titrated my dose up of the antidepressant - doubling it, which I did. I had night shifts thurs /fri / sat / sun. 

Thursday night was terrible. I was literally propping my eyes open all night, clumsy, yawning continuously and completely petrified that I would miss something and my patient would die. But even that fear couldn't clear the fog.

I am not suicidal, I haven't been in over 15 years - but very black thoughts crept in. They haven't gone away. 

I went cold turkey off my meds to be safe looking after patients for the rest of my night shift, and recommended on my starting dose on Monday night. 

But I'm just in a foggy, completely unmotivated stupor. It isn't helping me. I can't do even the simplest of things. I am hating myself so much right now. My husband wants me to take a notepad and pen out to a park and just sit and write - because I love writing - but I am petrified of what will come out - of how dark that will be. That if I read what I write.... Things may just be too dark to go on.  Mathis stupid fog is as bad as Thursday night right now, a week ago. I've called in sick for work today. I told myself is get some things done. Housework, Christmas shopping, anything. But I'm paralysed. I just want to lie in bed and cry all day.  I know now things aren't going to get better unless I start doing things. That the overwhelm just gets compounded through inaction, but I can't make myself do a single thing and I hate it so much. I feel weak and useless and pathetic and just so lost and stuck.  Im hoping and praying my period starts today so I can put some of this blackness down to PMS, go eat a bucket of chocolate and feel better.

[Beetle]

Dear Kaylina

Oh dear you are really suffering here.

I can symphathise, i am also sufferinmg from Anxiety and depression and went through the same agony you went through: i got also terrible sick but it was my mental state that made me sick and it wasnt my physical conditon.

Psychotropic meds are superstrong. I am also a nurse and started them a few weeks back. I had the same side effects then you: felt dizzy, couldtr sleep, had fainting spells and felt just 'trippy. how on earth did u survice doing nights on them drugs??? OMG it must have been pure helkl for you!! you poor thing!

My suggesstion: the first few weeks on meds are the worst. u will have some sideeffects. But once they subside meds really can halp with anxiety and depression. I was always an opponent towards psychodrugs- now im converted since i feel normal again and can funtion,. better than i functioned all of my life:

Can you take one or 2 weeks off? Try to start the meds when u have a regular routine. take them in the morning if the are nor adrenaline reuptake inhibitirors. try to establish a good sleep hygiene. doing nights with anxiety is the worst thing u can do- it will make ur anxiety worse. even if u take the drugs. try to talk to ur boss to have some time without nights. get a doctors certificate. they cant refuse to not to put u on nights. they also cant fire u because of that!

Once u had some routine, the meds have kicked in and the side effects subsided u should feel an improvement. I was lucky and i felt better after 2 days. but it took 2 weeks for the sideeffects to go away and 6 weeks to feel really good and 'spot on the job".

I hope i didnt discourage u. I really want to help u. nursing is hard enough as it is. look after yourself FIRST. its no good if u make a mistalke, loose your job because of that and get the blame from everywhere. Take time off, see your GP again, talk the situation through and also see a psych.

I really really hope you can get some relieve out off all this. I really feel your pain and hope to hear from you soon. keep posting. this forum is aweosme. everyone cares.

many good vibes your way!!

Beetle

[Kaylina]

Thanks so much Beetle.

I know I really need to give them a chance to work long - term , and I also know I'm not feeling very "safe" as a practitioner. I took today off angry with myself, but I'm actually going to have tomorrow off and be kind to myself. I don't need the extra stress of trying to make it in and being petrified that I will miss something - make a mistake or end up causing harm. 

I actually called BB today , and that was really helpful. I also opened up to a colleague who I used to work in emergency with - she's now a mental health nurse. It felt like a huge weight off my shoulders to actually know that it's just the transition phase - and I now have some hope that it will get better - and I will be better in the long run. 

So I'm taking tomorrow off to be nice to myself. I might get the washing and folding done. I might not. My friend told me to think of it as recovering from an operation. I'd lay on the couch and take it easy. Do what I could around the house, and not the rest of the time. 

Next week I've only got three shifts left before I start annual leave, and they are a late, then two earlies - so I'm going to see how I am on Monday.  Then by the time annual leave is over, I hope that the meds will have their intended effect and going to work won't make me ill!!!

i actually really love my job - that's I guess why it took me so long to realise the physical symptoms was more than just unlucky with gastro. I love it, but I do take the responsibility deeply, the patients and their families journeys so personally, and I need to find a happy medium between them. 

Today was scary for me because I suffered with depression quite severely as a teenager - and things seemed as black as they did back then - back when I made a choice that I was lucky to survive... Even if I did rob myself of all of those teenage binge drinking years with the damage I did to my liver. I didn't think I'd see that darkness again. 

Thankyou for posting and for sharing your story. I'm still too scared of an AHPRA report/condition to let anyone at work know what I am going through at the moment, but my GP is supportive and did offer me as much time as I needed to take. 

[geoff]

dear Kaylina, you seem to be a very caring and attentive nurse, and it's always a shame that people like you and the rest on this site suffer from depression.

It seems as though you do have PTSD from your past, and those very dark times that you had to cope with.

If you have eased up on the drinking then your liver will recover, so this will be good, however mine won't as my gamma level is just over 1000, where it should be about 60, this is from my alcohol use and the heavy dose of anti epileptic medication.

Sorry I have to go now but will continue later, sorry, but please look after yourself, and don't try and push yourself beyond your limits. L Geoff. x