Medication Withdrawal

EmMay · ‎03-05-2014

I have never belonged to or posted in a forum (of any nature) but, in the lowest depths of my current psyche, I feel compelled to. Maybe by publicly acknowledging my despair it gives me some sort of power over it? On one hand I know pragmatically that how I feel is a biochemical reaction mixed with genetic predisposition. However it is so hard to pull myself out of the black hole of self-loathing, anxiety, hysteria, fury, self-pity, anger and hollowness. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety for 15 years (since diagnosis) but more likely 25 years. And, when in the middle of a relapse (albeit one brought on by severe withdrawal from antidepressant) I can't reconcile the notion that I will ever feel any other way again. I don't know what it's like to live without the feeling of constant pressure and foreboding. Even when my depression and anxiety is "controlled" my perfectionist nature plunges me into a roundabout of constant negativity and disappointment. This, mixed with a sense of shame of having a "mental illness" means I'm never really free. It's something that you can't quite share with anyone, you can't quite articulate how it feels especially in the face of - "look at all the great things in your life" or "just try to snap out of it".

louie83 · ‎04-05-2014

Hey EmMay,

What a brave thing to do, coming on here and posting you thoughts and feelings. I can only speak for myself, but I do truly believe that many of us feel like this, but it is a noble thing to reach out to see if others feel the same.

I describe it as a dark cover. Like i am being surrounded by my own thoughts and negativity that i can just not break free from. I try to poke my head out for air but i seem to just get covered back up soon enough.

My depression/anxiety has stemmed from fatigue resulted from Glandular fever, iron deficiency and bharma forest virus. I even tell myself, look snap out of it, it's not cancer, you're not the worst off by any means, but i can still not shake the fact that i know I'm not myself, but i fear telling others.

I have shared my diagnosis to my work friends, who of course have been incredibly supportive, but I know that if i ever behaved the way i truly wanted to around them, they would not want a bar of me.

So, once again I say thank you for posting your feelings, Because they are very similar to my own. I know I'm not alone when it comes to depression, but it is still nice to read other thoughts on the matter.

Louie 🙂

geoff · ‎04-05-2014

dear EmMay, whow and thanks for posting your comment on this site.

' It's so hard to pull myself out of the black hole', and yes you are correct in saying this, and there becomes a time when you can't understand let alone that you just can't 'snap out of it', it's not physically or mentally possible, because even with taking medication you still feel nothing, you are jumping up and down in the same spot, and feel no benefit from all of this.

The withdrawal from AD's seems to make us go deeper and deeper into the black hole, and just as Louie has experienced it from having Glandular fever which an illness that seems to hang on, so both of these issues drive you both into a land where you wish no one else would head towards.

Depression is a constant round about of negativity, despair and disappointment, but did you ask for it, did anyone ask for it, no way, it just fell into our lap, we had no choice, so you can't blame yourself for being depressed, and as much as we feel a shame for having it, there is no way you should be, because something has caused us to be this way.

If you asked everybody on this site if they ever wanted to be inflicted with this illness, their answer would definitely say NO, in other words it's not your fault, however if you get Glandular fever then this depletes all your energy, your vitamens etc., so can we relate both of these to causing depression, absolutely.

What ever the reason we get depression, or by what cause means that we need help, and to get your doctor to do a blood test, because normally we are low on vit B as well as vit. D.

By having everything in life that we possibly need is not a reason for not getting this disease, it doesn't care one iota, it will strike the unknown. Geoff.

Seeker53 · ‎23-12-2015

Hi. This is my first post and I'm trying to find help. I have been on medication for depression and anxiety for 9 years. I know the med I am on is one of the hardest to get off so, with my doctors blessing last year, I weaned myself off. It took nearly 9 months and I felt great. Then about two months with no meds, out of the blue came the biggest anxiety attack ever. And something caused my heart to beat very very fast for days at a time. The doc prescribed heart meds and a calmative which helped a bit but after a few weeks we decided that I had better go back on the previous medication. My doc said that anxiety attacks rarely last more than half an hour and he couldn't explain why mine were lasting days. I could not function and could not eat. I was very very sick with it. The same dose as before was not enough so the doc doubled the dose and suggested that I stay at this dose for 6 months at least. Nearly a year later I am still on the higher dosage and pretty stable but I want to start tapering off again soon - at least back down to the lower dosage.

I have done a lot of research on my particular med and I am wanting to find a trustworthy forum or website that someone could recommend (I understand that we can't name meds here). Is it true that certain meds actually turn on a gene that alters the brain chemistry, and if this is correct, how do we find something to turn that gene off again so that we can stay in control? I find sites selling supplements - do they help? Are they necessary? Please help as I really don't want to stay on this med too much longer due to long term side effects.

It took so long to find a med that worked without bad side effects that my doctor and I decided that it's basically not worth trying another med and I've had a great deal of help to be in a good place. I'm just very perplexed and very worried that even tapering down to the previous dose may bring on huge anxiety attacks again - way way worse than anything I had prior to medication I can't be alone in this surely but I don't know where to get help. Anyone got any ideas?