I quit therapy temporarily

Guest_9043 · ‎27-11-2019

Today, I just quit therapy temporarily until I can decide what's best for me.
I feel a huge relief at doing so. I'm burnt out and suffering exhaustion. Those are two red flags that things need to change.

This year has been nothing short of absolute HELL from beginning to near the end. January I was getting over a bad break up. February I met my new partner who is now an ex. I was in a same sex Domestic Violence relationship. It was a horrific time for me. I have nowhere near recovered. I escaped on the 29th June this year and went through a further 5 months of legalities (getting a DVO) and way way more than I can mention here. Lost ALL my friends. Family abandoned me again. Got very very suck physically. I'm still not better. All my childhood abuse came up on top of everything I was already dealing with.

I have now lost my entire family as I chose to let them go. So I am enduring major grief and immense pain. Nobody can understand how that feels and how complex it can be when abuse is thrown into the mix.

Other stuff happened as well.

I quit because I couldn't anymore. I was going to sleep for two days after a therapy session just from burn out and exhaustion. I can't even remember my sessions most of the time. I'm too tired to try remember.

It's not a decision that's right for everyone. It's right for me. I need a break. It's coming to the end of year and I'm spending my Christmas alone. It's better off because I know I'm going to get very messy. I'm sick again cause of the toll immense grief and anger is colliding and this year has just ripped me to complete shreds and I have no more fight left in me to deal with anything. I'm just plain tired mentally, emotionally, physically and every which other way one can be tired. I need space as I just feel too pressured, like I'm going to explode. It's just all too much. Sleep is my best friend right now.

Just needed to let this out.

Guest_9043 · ‎30-11-2019

Hi Tim,

I actually have not yet had time to sit and reflect why I stopped therapy. I knew it was necessary. I was definitely re traumatised. I have been in damage control since quitting. I will find my own answers and need to find time to sit when I can and sort that out as for now it is just a break. Long term I am not sure yet. I'm not putting that pressure on myself.

To be honest right now I feel a bit lost. I'm too tired and in too much pain to care. I cant say where I see myself with your analogy. Maybe in two weeks I will but not right now. You are right though, I am putting me FIRST.

I agree there is no wrong or right when it comes to an individuals experience of mental health and therapy. I will not put my personal journey into just anyone's hands. I have done that before and I am also very smart and intelligent. I learnt well from what people taught me, the good, the bad and the just plain ugly.

Good luck with everything Tim.

Aaronsis · ‎02-12-2019

Hey Lee

How are you today? I have been reading your posts over the weekend and I am so very proud of you for doing so many things to give yourself the best chance of making this journey to healing possible, I am sure that writing to your mum was very emotional and I hope you are feeling some peace from doing that.

I have the speech coming up in a few days, thanks so much for your support and I hope my brother would be proud, they are actually changing the award a little in that we don't want the legacy of my brother being "the kid that killed himself" but rather him be remembered for his achievements and who he was. In time as the years go on they may not know who he is and we don't want his suicide to be his definition. So we are busy making a few changes here.

I am so happy to hear that you are starting to feel somewhat stronger and I hope that this is still the case after what was a pretty big and emotional weekend for you, bug hugs to you Lee, you really are so very strong and so very inspiring, to have to have been through so much and still be fighting each day as you are, so very brave.

Just checking in today and seeing that you are doing well and that you are still ok with stopping the therapy for awhile? I just also want to make sure, and I know that you said you can call her, but just want to make sure that you have some things in place to take care of you, that support you and provide you with some hope and feel like you are going to be ok. You are a very strong woman and I am sure, you are going to be OK Lee.

Huge hugs

Sarah xx

Guest_9043 · ‎02-12-2019

Hi Sarah,

Today, has been tough. I am just going through what this all is. The shock has not worn off yet, slowly slowly. I'm hurting very deeply, not just for me but for my mum as well. I do cry for her pain. I cannot heal her and by doing what I have done is in some ways giving her a chance to heal without me being responsible for that. So it is still a loving thing to do even though I feel so bad. I think that is more a result of the abuse inflicted on me. I also need to grieve that I was not able to help my mum and I thought for many years I was. I cannot turn off my sensitivity and I am an empath. Learning to manage that is very difficult and I see things differently. I am very angry with her. I cannot look past what she did to me as a child and she got given such a gift when she got given me. As for peace coming about from writing it, not yet. There is a bit of a storm to work through before I can reach that place of peace within myself.

Sarah, the pain of losing your brother to suicide is beyond any pain that is even imaginable. I have so much respect, admiration and you also inspire me. Your strength, your attitude, your choices you are making to do something so beautiful from a tragedy an equisite sight. I also want to acknowledge the other side of the coin where there is pain, I am sure moments or days of sadness and grief, living life without your brother whom you loved so much, reminders, tears and missing him. I really feel that the changes that are being made in regards to his award is a really great idea. I have no doubt in my mind that you are going to pack a powerful and inspiring speech. I have been wanting to ask Sarah, without breaking the rules here is there a way I can find out more about your Brother Aaron's story? Some place online I can go. I am genuinely interested to know more and there is also other good reasons of which I will tell you about. I have been too scared to ask in case I upset you somehow.

See follow on.

Guest_9043 · ‎02-12-2019

I have small tiny moments of strength and that is going to take time to build. Yes, I am strong, who the heck knows where it came from really. Not even I know. In saying that I have been "fighting" for a very long time. I am tired and need time to build my strength. I really appreciate your inspiring words and that someone is actually paying some attention to me for once in my life. I have never really had that. I am enjoying this experience very much. It's too hard here and actually not enough time but childhood abuse and domestic violence is not the only things I have been through. I am not sure if all of it will ever come out here but there has been more. I really am very blessed to have connected with you and I am thankful every single day.
In regards to therapy, I am still OK with stopping therapy for the time being. I do not call my therapist. As for support I have BB forums, I belong to an LGBTQI community online, I have 1800 respect who do support victims of family violence and domestic violence, I have my spirituality to lean on and I have my writing. Does not sound like a lot, it is actually a very powerful combo in itself. I keep on building on supports and supportive things.

I have to accept that some moments are just going to be hard for me and there are going to be some moments that I will break down because my pain is too much.

Know that I care for you a lot Sarah, you are loved, you are amazing and you are always in my thoughts.

Huge hugs

Lee. xx

Guest_9043 · ‎05-12-2019

I am slowly re visiting why I quit therapy temporarily. A therapist said to me this year which was very helpful that I wasn't strong enough at the time for therapy. It was not an insult it was right and true. She said to build supports first and deal with getting life a bit more organised and then come back and see me. I truly appreciated the honesty.

I remembered this today and I feel a bit angry with my new therapist. She did not keep me safe in session. That is her duty of care to me. I do my part, she does hers. As a result of not keeping me safe it led to a major crisis and nervous breakdown for me.

Before starting with her I interviewed her extensively to make sure she was right for me. I did my absolute best to keep me safe. At this point in time even if I wanted to return I actually don't want to. My safety and trust was compromised and that's not right. I feel very angry.

I'm that angry I don't even want to speak to her. I am a forgiving person. When it comes to my trust and safety and it being compromised which was not my doing, I am done and walk away. I'm in a vulnerable position and I should not need to educate her.

smallwolf · ‎06-12-2019

Hi,

It is a bit hard to comment without a full story, yet I am interested in the idea of building up support etc before you are ready for therapy. Could you explain that a little more?

And you are right about a duty of care. It is really regrettable what happened to you. Something clearly well amiss and you have a right to be angry. As much as we like to think the other person is perfect (?) they are also human.

My dad only had 6 sessions with a psychologist. Yet I have been seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist for nearly 2 and a bit years. We are all different.
What do you want to do next?

Tim

Guest_9043 · ‎06-12-2019

Hi Tim,

Hard to tell a full story with the word count. By building supports I mean, who to turn to outside of therapy as well as having a stable life as possible. I didn't have any of that when I started.

Since postponing, I use BB forums a fair bit, I use 1800 respect when I need to, I sometimes use blue knot foundation, I also research and read stuff. I have recently made two new friends as well who have been so supportive of me and so kind. I do my best to take care of myself, eat, sleep, self care and so on. That is as far as I have gotten.

Yes,we certainly are different. I have been in and out of therapy for a long time. I feel I'm going to let it go and try other things. I think it has time and I really don't feel I need therapy to work through my stuff.

If though I find I do I will do it. Right now though I'm not strong enough. My mind is still very foggy and my mental health took a huge dive. Sure, we are all human. It put me at major risk though and I wasn't happy how she handled the aftermath of a session that sent me into a nervous breakdown literally. I don't know if you have ever experienced a nervous breakdown, they are not pretty or nice. My sense of trust and safety has been compromised.

Lee.

blondguy · ‎06-12-2019

Hi Lee

You have been through a difficult time in your life...thats for sure. Sarah and Tim have posted with TLC and support above. Like you mentioned its our decision if we choose to suspend our counseling

I hope that you have a couple (or one) of people you can confide in with your pain especially during this time of year as it can be hectic...being the festive season.

You have been very supportive of others on the forums and its great to have you as part of the Beyond Blue family Lee 🙂

my kindest thoughts to you in this difficult time

Paul

smallwolf · ‎06-12-2019

Hi Lee,

No I have not had a nervous break down, but you can tick against being suicidal on the bucket list. It is good that you feel well enough to able to look after yourself like that. As an aside, I am also doing a dip.in counselling and at the last prac, we were talking about ending sessions - one of others there spoke about how they ended their relationship with their therapist. They felt it was the right time. They could do it by themselves.

You said your mind if still foggy and mental health took a dive... when I started seeing my psych(s) (plural) I did not know how long it would be yet I thought I would not still be going now. There are time when I feel better, and other days when I know why I see them. This sounds like a the start of a new journey for you. Can i ask what tools you have help you remain positive or distractions - there are pages on the forums on grounding and mindfulness you might want to check out, or "three things to be thankful for today".

If you want to chat, I will be around.

Tim

Guest_9043 · ‎09-12-2019

Hi Paul,

Thanks for welcoming me to the BB Family. I have been through way too much difficulty in my life. Not even I can face the atrocity of it all. I cannot breathe sometimes trying to take it in.

I don't know anymore. I've just had enough. This year has been too much.

Take care Paul.