I quit therapy temporarily

[Guest_9043]

Today, I just quit therapy temporarily until I can decide what's best for me.
I feel a huge relief at doing so. I'm burnt out and suffering exhaustion. Those are two red flags that things need to change.

This year has been nothing short of absolute HELL from beginning to near the end. January I was getting over a bad break up. February I met my new partner who is now an ex. I was in a same sex Domestic Violence relationship. It was a horrific time for me. I have nowhere near recovered. I escaped on the 29th June this year and went through a further 5 months of legalities (getting a DVO) and way way more than I can mention here. Lost ALL my friends. Family abandoned me again. Got very very suck physically. I'm still not better. All my childhood abuse came up on top of everything I was already dealing with.

I have now lost my entire family as I chose to let them go. So I am enduring major grief and immense pain. Nobody can understand how that feels and how complex it can be when abuse is thrown into the mix.

Other stuff happened as well.

I quit because I couldn't anymore. I was going to sleep for two days after a therapy session just from burn out and exhaustion. I can't even remember my sessions most of the time. I'm too tired to try remember.

It's not a decision that's right for everyone. It's right for me. I need a break. It's coming to the end of year and I'm spending my Christmas alone. It's better off because I know I'm going to get very messy. I'm sick again cause of the toll immense grief and anger is colliding and this year has just ripped me to complete shreds and I have no more fight left in me to deal with anything. I'm just plain tired mentally, emotionally, physically and every which other way one can be tired. I need space as I just feel too pressured, like I'm going to explode. It's just all too much. Sleep is my best friend right now.

Just needed to let this out.

[Aaronsis]

Hey L

Me again, I just want to see and ask if you are ok? I can hear how completely exhausted you are and I know how much it took out of you at your session. I am just wanting to check that you are ok and that you are just taking a break from your therapy and not a break from life. I am sorry if that is a confronting question but I do care and I want you to stay safe. I know you know but if you feel unsafe please call an ambulance, you are so tired and life has been so rough with you but you do matter and you matter to us here and you are needed. It may not feel like it right this moment as you are so very drained but I hope you can hear me.

Please stay safe and we are here for you, huge hugs

Sarah

[Guest_9043]

Hello sweet Sarah,

This right here what you wrote is exactly what I need. An ambulance is not required. I'm starved of love and care. This right here is what is healing to me.

My decision to quit therapy for now was my decision. I used to justify my decisions and choices. I don't anymore. Not that I feel I need to do that here with you.

I'm just taking back control of my life instead of doing what everyone else wants me to do or expects of me or even some of the expectations I have of myself.

People may have my best interests at heart sometimes but truly no one knows my life better than myself. Sometimes their decisions are not what's right for me and I'm simply taking time out to choose and decide what's best for me.

I also need a break and am taking it now.

Thanks for reaching back.

Hugs and love to you Sarah.

L.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning L

I am so very very happy that I can be here for you in your time of need, I am sending you hugs and much love and comfort at this time. I am thrilled that you feel the love and support of this wonderful place as we do care so much about you.

I am pleased to hear that the decision to quit therapy is temporary and you are doing for a break to give yourself some time to recharge and to feel like you can take a breathe. You most certainly do not need to justify any reason for anything here, we are not here to tell you what to do or to judge you in any way. You are right in that you do know what is best for your soul.

I can hear that you have had the year from HELL and I am glad this year is going to be over soon too, I am putting out all positive vibes for us all that 2020 is going to be a year of peace, or joy and of love, I am asking that for you too L.

You are so very burnt out and exhausted and I am glad that you are taking some time for you. It is hard seeing that the family and friend situation does cause you much pain. We are here for you.

With regards to Christmas, it is just another day, please try not to get caught up in the type of it and the "shoulds", like you "should" be with family and you "should" be with loved ones, opening presents and eating stupid amounts of food. You can start a new tradition for you, that makes you happy on the day so that you have something wonderful to look forward too, that is for you. It might even be going to volunteer somewhere or going to a park and writing something wonderful and having a picnic, whatever feeds your soul...dump the "shoulds"...

Sending you support, hugs and love today and always L.

We are here, right here for you xx

Sarah xx

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,

I am very blessed to have found this amazingly supportive and non judgemental place. Even more than that a great connection has been made here which is so lovely for me. Very healing. You are such a wonderful person, so much love, kindness and care. I personally am not used to it whatsoever, so I am very much learning how to receive what I do need and do deserve. It sounds easy but it isn't. I'm just used to pushing everyone away. That is not going to serve me anymore. I need to start letting people/help/support/love and kindness in. So here I am doing just that. It's so nice for me to feel safe and genuinely cared for.

Yes, it is a temporary decision regarding therapy. My therapist understands and is supporting my decision. We communicate and talk. She knows I am not stupid and am careful with my decisions. I lost it yesterday morning, not at anyone at all. I was FULL of deep anger and frustration. I was tipped over that edge I was on and I knew I had to act fast because I didn't like where I was going with it. So, I did just that. I cleared my entire schedule for a month and will extend if needed, I postponed therapy with my therapist until further notice so I am feeling less pressured to have a time limit, I got rid of my Facebook account permanently (that was in the pipeline anyway) and I actually for a change watched a movie and forgot about "things needing to be done" It needed to be done. See, doing EVERYTHING ALONE as in daily life is HARD WORK. I can't get my health, physical and mental health in a good space when I have very little time to even process or breathe. Too many demands, to many things to do and not enough time. I was getting up at 5 am every morning and not getting to bed till at least 10 pm totally bombed. Things were getting too much for me and as I mentioned red flags so I done something about it, not doing something I do not like where it was going to go.

Gosh I will be having my BIG RED boot on and kicking 2019 out. I am not even going to think about NYE at the moment.

I think Christmas (which used to mean so very much to me) has lost it's magic for me. There is a lot of sadness for the last few Christmases. I think it all really lost it's magic for me when my best friend died. It was close to Christmas and we had been talking about it. I put the Christmas Tree up in the house alone that year and missed him terribly. I think it went downhill after that for me. Check follow on post.

[Guest_9043]

So every Christmas after that was marked really, every year something awful happened. Here I find myself in the same boat again this year. However this is the last year of a horrible Christmas. I am not going to have them anymore. I refuse. I do like that you said "drop the should's".

Today I reached a point where I knew I wanted to get rid of the heavy weight I was carrying over it. It wasn't simple. It isn't simple when I am somewhat being re-traumatised about the abuse as a child. The anger and hurt I am feeling about it. I do feel proud of myself though because you know what I have not taken it out on anyone. I feel proud of that because many people do take their stuff out on others. I guess that is a positive thing that has come out of all the abuse I have endured over a span of 35 years. Do not ever take your stuff out on someone else that has done nothing to you. It could have easily ended up the opposite way and I could have become an abuser myself.

So today I sent her and my other sibling an email. I told them that I did not know what they were planning for Christmas and that I was going away this year. I let them know that I wished to spend my Christmas by myself and that I am 40 years old now time to move on. I told them I do want any presents at all and that I would not be buying any. I told my other sibling that I would give Mia some money for Christmas but not a lot as she gets spoilt every single Christmas. She is also getting older now. I left it at that.

It wasn't easy to get to this place in myself. All fears came up, worries and old haunted words and abuse. I couldn't think clearly. They are still there as damage is so deep and old. It's going to take time. I may never fully heal from the extent of the damage. I will get better in time, I just don't see it being possible to fully heal.
They are not exactly predictable or reliable with their responses. So I never know what I am going to get and that was not helping me decided either. That was where the fear was coming in. Trying to negate/avoid what I would have to deal with. Then I thought well with all I have learnt why I am even going through this. So now I have my own idea. If I do get an email back from either of them and they are pissed off or decided to have a rant this is exactly what I am going to say. "You sound like you are going through a lot right now, here are some helpful numbers ". I have to be by force give back to them what is not mine anymore.

[Guest_9043]

I could type all day but that wont be good lol. I would like to know How are you? How is life, is everything alright? Are you alright?

Much love, support, healing and huge your way now and always. xx

L xx

[Aaronsis]

Hey L

Great to hear back from you and thank you so very much for asking how I am, a little nervous to be honest, I have to do a speech at my brother's school, they are doing an award and it will be a very emotional time. Apart from that I am pretty good.

It warmed my heart to hear those beautiful words that you used to describe me, thank you Lee, that really made my day. It also made me so very happy to hear that you are able to receive the love and support that you are being sent from us here too, you do deserve it so very much and the past will not determine the future for you, you will not let it and that is so very exciting, the power is yours and the choices are yours, how wonderful.

I am so pleaded that your therapist supports your break and is able to keep in contact with you, it is nice to know they are there without the heavy appointments that are so very much to recover from. How very liberating to be able to clear your schedule for a month and focus on you, that is awesome. Your days did sound so full and so demanding it will be so refreshing to have some time to stop and smell the roses.

THE BIG RED BOOT, I am so ready for a fresh start, thanks 2020..please be kind! Oh..and NYE..don't even get me started, an excuse for all the people who never usually drink to get blind drunk and cause mayhem.I really don't get the whole drinking culture of Australia. Why does everything social revolve around alcohol, BBQ's, parties..anyhoo that is my beef over with.

I hope that in time, and this year is too soon, but in time you can make Christmas have some magic again and start some new traditions for you, that make the day about what you want it to mean, no pressure from society and the media about what it "should" be, just a day for you to celebrate you. Maybe you can incorporate your dear friend that passed away and also use it as a day to celebrate his life and your friendship, but all in time. It was great for you to email your sister to eliminate the pressure of Christmas, great idea. I can hear how much hurt that this has brought up for you.

That is so great that you can recognize when you are feeling anger and also know that it is ok to have these feelings and it is part of your healing, so proud of you for being able to manage it and not take it out on anyone, that shows so much growth, well done, you are very right you could have continued this pattern and been an abuser.

I could go on all day too..lol

Huge hugs and love to you Lee

Sarah xx

[Guest_9043]

Hi Sarah,

That is going to be an emotional time for you. I hope that you have support on the day. You amaze me with your strength that carries so much love. I'm positive your brother will be so proud of you.

I'm so glad that your heart was warned by my words. Makes me very happy. You are most welcome.

Thank you for your beauitul words of wisdom and love too. I'm SLOWLY getting a tiny little bit stronger. It's taking time. I'm not really doing too good. I'm going to do a seperate post here for help and support during a very painful, confusing and difficult time.

For the moment I'm not keeping in touch with my therapist. I need a lot of space and me time right now. My soul has once again been ripped apart in acknowledging the abuse from my mother. I'm so grateful to have you, this site and support to get me through this. I absolutely cannot do it alone.

We seem to have society and media pressures in common. I am DEFINITELY what one would call a non conformist. A bit rebellious.

I won't be able to this year. Everything is too raw and fresh. Next year hopefully.

Yeah,it was deeply hard and full of deep pain. I kept it brief because they are not interested in emotions or my feelings. So it was just cold and empty. Very formal.

Thank you for being proud of me regarding my anger. I don't want to hurt anyone. I'd have to live with that and I don't want to. In saying that though I am pretty ready to just sit in someones arms and cry. Holding it together is hard.

It felt so good to clear my schedule. You are right my days were FULL ON and too much. I needed to do it. I was putting so much pressure on myself in such a difficult time.

I don't get the mentality of booze, music and partying either. I agree that it is such a big part of Australian Culture. I'm a non drinker I NEVER drink. I'm not into partying.

Anyhow you are always in my thoughts Sarah. I wish there was a way we could talk outside of Beyond Blue. I would love to meet you and talk to you for real. I'm grateful we have here though.

HUGE HUGS AND BIG LOVE TO YOU Sarah. Xxxx

[smallwolf]

Hi 2quik,

Everyone deals with situations differently. And there are probably no right or wrong answers here. Quitting therapy falls into that area. For you it was/is the right decision - whether this was because sessions were too formal (?), or topics too raw, or not enough support, or whatever it was, you needed a break. For someone like myself I cannot do that (yet). Our situations are different.

There is a strength in you - it sounds like you are putting yourself first, and perhaps you also have enough tools already for coping? You also recognised that you are getting a little stronger. And your worst case scenario is that you know what can do do if you need support.

Healing takes time also... unlike a broken arm or a cut where the length of time it known, when it comes to mental health the "how long is a piece of string" comes to mind. The only way forward (for me) is to look back at how far I have come. One can compare the journey to climbing an mountain - sometimes there are dips to get through, to get higher up the mountain you might have to go through a ravine or a sort of valley. Not sure where you see yourself in this analogy. and am listening to you tell your story.

Tim