I have developed feelings for my psychologist

[LilyR]

I started seeing a psychologist for depression and anxiety in March 2016. I had seventeen sessions with him in total and my last session was in November last year. Approximately nine or ten sessions in I realised that I was starting to develop feelings for my psychologist. I realise that it is stupid and ridiculous but nevertheless the feelings are still there even though it has been five months since I saw him. Appearently it happens quite a bit and is called ‘transference’. No matter what I do I cannot seem to get him out of mind and it is affecting my mental health. I honestly wish I had not gone to see him in the first place as it has made everything worse. I am after some advice or suggestions on what I should do. Has this happened to anyone else? I obviously do not want to tell my psychologist about my feelings as that would be extremely embarrassing and awkward but I need to get some help with this. Should I talk to my doctor or another psychologist about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated- thank you.

[Tweet-Heart]

Hi James

I know that he will have to end therapy because we were talking about a related topic and he said that in these types of situations it's not a good idea to continue. I need to tell him but I don't know what will happen. I don't want to run the risk of having therapy end. Damn erotic transferance it is so damaging and I am so confused.

Maybe, what I could do is ask him under what circumstances would he have to terminate therapy?

Hmmm maybe I could broach it like this "Dr M ... the other day you warned me you would end the session I'm glad that didn't happen, under what circumstances would you have to end therapy"

What do you think?

[Tweet-Heart]

As I said before he is the only person I can fully trust, the only person who makes me feel very safe. I am really scared because four psychiatrists have just ended therapy and he knows that and thinks it is very unfair. The 2nd last psychiatrist told me he couldn't be my psychiatrist anymore due to conflict and possibly I suspect erotic transferance. This time there is no conflict but there is definite sexualised transferance and I do not know what to do.

[james1]

Hello Tweet-Heart,

I am not entirely sure what to think to be honest. I guess my immediate thought is that my own approach would be different, but that is not to say one is better or worse.

Perhaps the only thing I would point out is that, if he normally makes you feel safe and you feel like you can trust him, then something must be wrong with the current situation where you do not feel safe telling him how you feel, and you don't feel you can trust he would help you work through this.

Sorry, when it comes to ending doctor-patient relationships like this, I don't really know much because I don't know what that doctor's limits would be or what would be professionally advisable.

My only experience was just with getting very attached to my old psychologist (which I quit suddenly when I couldn't handle it). Then with my current psychologist, I told her straight up what happened and what I knew would happen again, so she's adapted our relationship and avoided the issue altogether which has been quite helpful. If it had been another doctor, they may have not done anything and given up on me eventually, but I'm glad that we got it sorted out.

James

[geoff]

Hi Tweet-Heart, I've been following this thread with interest and can understand how this can happen, simply because you are opening up to someone who listens to you, they don't argue back, only discuss the situation, so it's never confronting.

There maybe times when you discuss a difficult topic they want to talk about it without attacking or distressing you, it's handled with care and you could be embarrassed to talk about your own love life, believing that the therapist won't have feelings for you.

Knowing that it's not really appropriate to have these feelings towards your therapist means that you could believe you are not loved.

The sessions may not be as productive as they should be to help you with your anxiety and depression because eventually your mental health plan (if you're still using it )will end.

If you tell your GP they will talk about it with you and ask are you getting the proper therapy you need.

I'm sorry just answering your question.

Geoff.

[Tweet-Heart]

I can't see him anymore it's too complicated. My conditions are permanent and not going to get any better. This has just added to how I feel. This erotic/sexualised transferance has just added to my stress levels and interfered with my sleep. I don't know how I'm going to tell him but he needs to know.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tweet-Heart,

Just thought I'd jump in - therapist in training here so I might be able to offer another perspective on it.

You are absolutely right in that erotic transference can be damaging to therapy - it takes the focus away from what you're working on in sessions and can potentially blur boundaries between the therapist and the client.

But - it's not a bad thing. Transference doesn't mean a therapist has to 'kick you out the door'. The damage happens when it's not identified or it's swished under the carpet. It's the therapists job to be aware of it, how often it can happen (either erotic transference or just transference in general) and how to deal with it. I think the biggest thing is knowing that it can happen in therapy and you're not the only one. In a very weird way, it can kind of be a good thing - because it means that you've learned to trust your therapist, build rapport with them and start to work through whatever brought you to therapy.

For me, I'd go ahead with the earlier question of "when would you have to end therapy?" and talk about it from there.

[Tweet-Heart]

Hey romantic_thi3f

This is good advice, I am sure he suspects something he must by now. I will just ask him the question regarding circumstances under which he would have to end therapy and I am sure he will mention erotic/sexualised transferance.

This is getting out of control. I have to do something to manage this.

[Tweet-Heart]

He likes San Pelligrino sparkling, perhaps i should go buy some and offer to give him one.

[geoff]

Hi Tweet-Heart, if you don't talk to him about how you are feeling and leave, then this situation is going to be like a heavyweight you are carrying around with you, day and night.

There is nothing wrong in discussing this with him, it's no different than me telling Kylie Minogue I love her, obviously, nothing will happen, but that doesn't mean I don't love her anymore, but I know that it's impossible.

As you have this transference just puts another part of your character online for him to understand in relation to what else has been discussed.

Talk to him, let him know, otherwise this is going to be hanging around you for quite a while.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Tweet-Heart,

That sounds like a great idea.

I had transference with my own therapist and had to have that conversation - it was one of the hardest ones that I had, but by far I felt so much better afterwards.

If you like you can update us once you've had that conversation and let us know how it goes?

btw - there's no need to get your therapist anything 🙂 He'll still care for you the same way he always has.