I have developed feelings for my psychologist

[LilyR]

I started seeing a psychologist for depression and anxiety in March 2016. I had seventeen sessions with him in total and my last session was in November last year. Approximately nine or ten sessions in I realised that I was starting to develop feelings for my psychologist. I realise that it is stupid and ridiculous but nevertheless the feelings are still there even though it has been five months since I saw him. Appearently it happens quite a bit and is called ‘transference’. No matter what I do I cannot seem to get him out of mind and it is affecting my mental health. I honestly wish I had not gone to see him in the first place as it has made everything worse. I am after some advice or suggestions on what I should do. Has this happened to anyone else? I obviously do not want to tell my psychologist about my feelings as that would be extremely embarrassing and awkward but I need to get some help with this. Should I talk to my doctor or another psychologist about it? Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated- thank you.

[SheWrites]

Hi LilyR.

I’m glad you posted. This must be a really difficult situation for you. I am sorry that it’s having an effect on your mental health - and I can completely understand why it is.

Transference is really very common in close therapeutic relationships and while I’m sure your psychologist would understand what’s going on, I completely get that you don’t want to raise this with him. I would feel the same way as you.

But your ongoing mental health is important and I do think you need some support to process this and to help you find a way through. Talking with your GP - even in an abstract way - might be a good start.

Perhaps you could ask if they can suggest another therapist you could see, as there are some things you don’t feel comfortable discussing with your treating psych. Most GPs wouldn’t hesitate, I think, to recommend someone new. It’s not uncommon for therapy to bring up issues that need a new approach.

I hope that this is helpful. I think you’re brave and very insightful to see what is happening and to recognise the need for another perspective. Wishing you peace.

x

[LilyR]

Thanks SheWrites,

That was helpful - I’ll try and pluck up the courage and go talk to my doctor.

[SheWrites]

Hi LilyR, I know that will take some courage! Let me know how you go x

[KLRS]

Hi lily

i just wanted to say that it is difficult to not develop some kind of relationship with your psychologist because you need to feel comfortable to be able to share your innermost thoughts which in turn creates a bond as you try to work through solutions to your problems. If the relationship you are experiencing is preventing discussion then it is not helping your recovery st all. You say you haven’t seen him since November does this mean you are now seeing another psychologist or you now don’t feel you need one. I guess if you were not happy with your feelings toward him then a new psychologist would be the solution but you might find something similar develop. Transference is ok so long as you recognise your psychologist is just doing their job to help you work through your problems.

[geoff]

Hello LilyR, please let me welcome to the site as well.

All the replies back to you have been spot on because what happens is that you can open up to this person and tell them secrets that no one knows about, so this forms as though it could a close relationship, rather than a counseling session.

Write down how you are feeling as well as what you are thinking and give this to your doctor, then the necessary paperwork will be down by your GP.

If you did mention it to your psychologist then they should end the counseling session and inform your doctor.

It would be good to raise this with your next counselor because it's the closest thought you are trying to overcome.

All the best and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[LilyR]

Thanks for your comment. I am not seeing another psychologist. I suppose my ‘old’ psychologist thought I was doing okay so suggested I stop seeing him for a while and see how I went on my own. This of course upset me because of the feelings I developed but I just agreed because obviously I didn’t want to tell him about my feelings.

[LilyR]

Hi Geoff.

Thanks for your comment. I didn’t tell my psychologist about my feelings due to embarrassment. I’d rather him not know which is why I’m reluctant to tell my doctor. I suppose she can’t tell him though without my consent ... well I hopethat’s the case. Thanks for your suggestions/help.

Lily.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hey LilyR,

Thanks for your post.

I can echo what everyone has said here and trust me, it is so so common for people to have these feelings for the psychologist. In reality though, we don't talk about them because our minds are like 'oh you shouldn't think this!' so we feel ashamed for it.

I know that is embarrassing to speak up, but it is so important. I'm guessing if you were to think about the intensity of the therapy you'd probably find it peaked at some point - ultimately it settles too. As weird as it seems, it serves a purpose.

From my own experiences, the psychologist I saw was a female, but I still couldn't shake those feelings of wanting to be her daughter or best friend - or basically anything else that wasn't a client. I was terrified to speak up in case she'd shame me or kick me out for ruining her boundaries, so instead I wrote it in a letter. Perhaps this is something you could do too? It's a great way to be able to get across your feelings when words are too hard to say.

Hope that you're able to get things off your chest; thanks for talking about them here.

Hope this helps,

[james1]

Hello Lily,

I hear you that you don't want to discuss this with your psychologist directly as it could be super awkward.

But at the same time, as others have mentioned, this is very common.

In my case, the particular work I am doing with my psychologist would mean that if this happened, she'd want me to tell her. And we'd talk about it. It'd be super awkward, but that's part of the point. It's awkward, but our feelings are important and if we care for someone we want to tell them (though we may be afraid to).

Of course, that's just my situation but I thought I'd just mention it - your psychologist would be professional enough to know whether it was more appropriate and helpful for you to find a new psychologist, or to actually address these feelings directly. The good thing about both options is that the decision is being made in conjunction with someone who has a duty of care and has your best interest in mind.

James