i feel like i can't trust anyone and feel the most alone i've ever felt

[javalava13]

i have a really, REALLY hard time leaving people or situations that arent serving me. ive been at my most recent job for years despite it being an incredibly toxic workplace and having all my friends, famiy and psych encouraging me to quit, ive stayed in relationships that were not healthy all because i dont want to let people down or have jard conversations or let gp of people.

i’m starting to realise that i need to change psychologists because my current psych does not seem to be hearing me when i state the issues i find hardest to talk about but need to work on the most. i also feel like she is starting to notice me pulling away and is putting in slightly more effort, but it because clear its not genuine because it drops off again.

i dont know if these issues im having are specific to her or if its just me in this spot of not feeling like i can trust anyone, but i have absolutely no idea how to have the conversation telling her i want to change psychs.

im also finding im pulling back from a lot of friends and family, which is something I go through phases with doing, and end up losing people i really value all because i think they dont want me in their lives or like im a burden.

please help. i recently went through a stage of having quite a lot of suicidal thoughts and have been improving, but am feeling like my mood is beginning to get more and more low and i need to speak to someone or do something.

[therising]

Hi javalava13

I feel for you so much as you try and gain a better sense of where you're at and what direction you need to be heading in, in order to feel a sense of progress. Doing life without outstanding guidance can be so incredibly hard at times and it can definitely feel depressing. 

Wondering whether it would help you to write down some key questions you'd like to hand over to your psych when you next go. Maybe something like

• 'Why am I not feeling significant progress by this stage?'. I don't believe 'It takes time' to be a valid answer, by the way. 'No significant progress' definitely has a feel to it, just as major revelations have a feel to them. 'Why am I not feeling any significant revelations?' could be another question
• 'Why can't I feel any solid sense of direction?'. Someone once said to me 'In order to feel a sense of direction, you need to have solid goals to move toward'. In other words, it's the goal itself that sets the direction. Wondering whether you've discussed goals in the session
• 'What is the overall objective of the sessions? What are we hoping to achieve?'. While your objective is to discuss the hard stuff, I suppose you could ask 'Why aren't we addressing the hard stuff that I really feel the need to address?'

By the time you finish the session, she should have answered all your questions to your satisfaction. The challenge may involve keeping her on point, as opposed to her going off topic or these specific topics. If she's acting as your #1 key guide in life, there's a need for solid navigation or sense of direction. If you could think of an appropriate metaphor to offer her, this might help. Some folk relate well to metaphors. Perhaps something like 'At the moment I feel like we're just floating in the middle of nowhere. What I need is to be able to feel is that we're heading somewhere'.

To say that trying to manage the cycles of depression is hard can be an understatement. Took me decades to finally work out what some of the self isolation is about with me. Not sure whether it's relatable but I'll throw it out there anyway. 1)I tend to detach from anyone who I can't feel raising me in any way. I especially detach from people who I can feel bringing me further down. Btw, I have my trigger phrases (that trigger me to detach from the people who utter them). Just a handful of many: You'll be right. You just need to stop over analysing everything. You're too sensitive. I should add that I'm actually proud of being sensitive. Don't say that (in reference to how I'm honestly feeling). 2)In order to gain greater insight, I go inwards. If we have a sage in us, an analyst in us or something else along those lines, those facets of us can sometimes hold the answers. So it's kind of like diving inward to look for answers. I take time out from people in order to do this. Turning this into a constructive form of meditation has come to make a massive difference. 3)When I'm down, I can't relate to people who are vibing too high. There's just not that energetic or emotional connection.