How to help elderly alcoholic father who refuses to help himself?

[lost2020]

Hi everyone, I'm new here. I was just wondering if anyone could give me some advice. My dad has been an alcoholic for a long time but it became progressively worse every year after he retired from his job. My mum and I can see that his health is declining and he is depressed. We have booked many psychologist and doctors appointments for him but he never shows up as he refuses to see anyone and get help. It has now come to the point where:

• He is abusive towards my mum and siblings and feels entitled to it
• He goes for days without eating a proper meal and drinking water
• He shows aggression by throwing food and objects and breaking crockery
• He fabricates stories and starts fights
• He is showing memory problems
• He has become incontinent and refuses to clean up or be cleaned

I am worried about him as his health is clearly declining, and I can see it is taking a toll on my mother. She cares for him every day, but he treats her poorly. He is in his 70s and his family are overseas and he has no friends. He can't look after himself because he grew up privileged and always had others look after him, he doesn't know how to use a computer, and he has always expected my mother to take care of everything such as cooking, paying bills, managing the paperwork etc.

I feel like my mother, siblings, and I are trapped because if we leave, my dad will be worse off as he is elderly and can't look after himself. Is there anything I can do to help? Should I get a support worker? Does he need to be assessed by someone? I've already tried asking the police for help but there is only so much they can help with.

Thank you for your time.

[Sophie_M]

Hey lost2020,

Welcome to the forums, we're so grateful that you decided to join us here. We're really sorry to hear what you and your family are going through at the moment, but we think you are so strong and proactive in seeking help for your dad and your family. Please know that you've come to a safe space to talk about these feelings and experiences, and our wonderful community is here to offer as much support and advice as you need.

If you feel up to it, we'd also recommend getting in touch with our Support Service which is available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or you can visit on our website www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport for online chat. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some information and advice to help you, your family and your father.

We would also encourage you to get in touch with 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by family violence and abuse. The lovely, supportive counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation- you can contact them anytime on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/

We hope that you keep checking back in with us to let us know how you are going, whenever you feel up to it.

[S_D]

Hi there,

I'm so sorry to hear about how this is effecting you and your family. It's so hard when a loved one doesn't want to help themselves. There is only so much we can do and it sounds like you and your family did all the right things although at the end of the day while we can help organise appointments etc unfortunately we can't make someone show up or attend them. Good on you guys for setting it up for him though! I would recommend getting support for yourselves as well. Perhaps a social worker could help you brainstorm some solutions or other options for your dad and support you in how this is affecting your lives. I've been in a similar position as to you with close family members unwilling to get the support they needed and it putting stress on myself and the family, getting some counselling helped me immensely - sometimes the first few sessions don't feel that way as you are bringing up a lot of things that make one feel uncomfortable, however studies suggest around the six session mark most people (last time I checked roughly 90%) will start to feel better. It's good you have your mum and siblings on your side too, as you can support one another through this as well. Hope this helps!