Help! In love with my therapist!

[Eyree]

So I’ve researched transference and understand the theories that the feelings aren’t actually love but it feels like love and regardless of what it’s called I find myself thinking about her more and more and wanting a relationship with her.
I wonder all the time whether she may have feelings for me as well. She is the ultimate professional and would never cross that line but in saying that she has stopped me talking about dating/relationships with other people and suggested that I might be interested in same sex relationships (we are both girls) when I’d only ever spoken my about ex boyfriends.
I remember every hug and every time she has stroked my hand - this has only ever been at the end of the session and I don’t think I would find it erotic if I weren’t in love with her.
Any therapists out there shed some light on this? Is this all ‘normal’ or could it be a sign of something more? We’ve only been in therapy a few months (had only a few sessions each month) if we ended therapy now could we start a relationship? We are both single but how would I even approach that? If I’d read it all wrong would she be offended? Are therapists grossed out when they find out patients have feelings for them? So many questions and no where to go with them. This all feels a little disrespectful yet a have so much respect for this person.

[JaneC76]

It’s unusual for a therapist to hand hold & hug a client.

But that said I think you should be honest with your therapist. They should be able to handle any of your feelings (except for violence).

If she’s professional though, she won’t pursue a relationship with you.

[geoff]

Hello Eyree, and welcome to the forums.

Friendship can develop between the patient and the counsellor solely because they have the answers we are searching for, where a person in therapy may apply certain feelings or emotions toward the therapist, that's transference or whether it's the therapist who then forms a relationship by touching the client.

I know this can happen either way, but it's frowned upon that a counsellor can do this because it changes the whole session around, instead of the counsellor and client, it becomes a session between two lovers.

If this does happen then form a relationship, but you should then change your therapist because difficulties can develop between two people who are going out together.

In other words, it's not right for this to actually happen, but if it does then find another counsellor.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi Eyree,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your post. I too encourage you to be honest with your therapist but I'm going to try and answer your other questions.

With transference, the feelings can absolutely be love. They are very very real. The thing about transference though is that it's part of the 'relationship' and it's totally sacred space that gives permission for all of this stuff to arise. Sometimes people want to date their therapist, sometimes their therapist reminds them of their father, sometimes they want their therapist to adopt them - it can look like lots of different things.

While I totally understand your curiosity about if your therapist has feelings for you or could pursue anything - unfortunately the answers are probably not what you're hoping for. Therapists have to have very strict boundaries, both during sessions and after sessions. If your therapist had feelings for you, she wouldn't be able to tell them to you or share them (because that's called counter-transference aka the therapists side), and it is unethical for therapists to do anything even if you were no longer a client.

Your therapist won't at all be grossed out by you telling her (or offended!) - in fact she'd probably be grateful for it. Please know that it isn't at all disrespectful - it's actually totally normal - and I can probably guarantee you that her other clients may have felt this way too. Sometimes being in love with a therapist can be about having your therapist really see you and listen to you and care for you in the way that other people haven't.

I hope that you bring this up with your therapist, and I hope this gives you more answers 🙂

RT