Got a question related to mental health? ASK DR KIM

[Chris_B]

Hi everyone,

This is a thread for asking questions of our resident GP and counsellor, Dr Kim, who pops into the forums regularly.

PLEASE NOTE as per our community rules, Dr Kim won't be able to answer questions about medications, these are best discussed offline directly with your mental health professional.

UPDATE - 01/03/2018
BEFORE YOU ASK DR.KIM PLEASE CONSIDER THE FOLLOWING POINTS:

• Dr Kim's time is limited! We cannot provide an ongoing dialogue with Dr Kim in this thread - one post/question per person please
•  We'd recommend you have a look through the forums before posting here to see if your question has already been answered by Dr Kim, our other members, or if there's information about it already on the beyondblue website. If a question pops up that has already been answered previously, or if alternate resources are available, one of our moderators will reply and direct you to the link.
• When writing your question, imagine you are speaking to someone in person i.e. provide a clear and detailed post with enough information that outlines how Dr.Kim can help you.

Background

After 20 years of experience working as a GP, Dr Kim realised in 2003 the aspect of her work she enjoyed most was talking to people and understanding the way they think and behave – and so she underwent training in counselling and therapy, where she now solely works.

Her experience includes working with a wide range of mental health issues including anxiety, depression and adolescent mental health.

“Given my training I also see couples, siblings, parents with their children and entire family groups,” she says. “In this work I hope to give families the skills to understand one another and have the strategies to communicate and manage relationships that are distressing them. I believe strongly that best therapy is achieved when there is trust in the therapist's ability but also their genuine desire to understand and help.”

[turtle01]

Hi,

My partner suffers from anxiety and depression. When we first started dating I didn't notice it at all. It's gotten a lot worse over the past week making it extremely hard for us, especially him to cope. He has it pretty rough. People at school aren't very nice to him at all and he has it tough at home with his family also.

I can't imagine what's going on in his head and I want him to get help but he refuses.

I am 16 turning 17 in 6 months. I am finding this so hard to deal with. I care about him so much and I want him to be as healthy as possible. I don't know how to deal with it. I need to focus on my studies but I'm finding it so hard to look after myself. I've forgotten how to look after myself. He's become my number 1 priority.

He needs help but he won't get it.

Part of me wants to end it because it's all too much but that wouldn't be fair and I care about him so much. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. Happy and exciting. He's my first real relationship. I'm scared that if i end it, it'll make him worse. I want to be there for him. I want him to be happy. I enjoy his company so much.

The demons in his head tell him to say things and act a certain way and I hate it. He attempted suicide earlier this year. He knows that he needs help and will tell me he needs help but when I try to push him to get help he won't. He says that he doesn't want to talk to anyone because no one can help. He doesn't seem to realise that I'm not a counsellor. He talks to me sometimes like I am, It's hard to handle it.

I haven't been myself lately. I can't do anything without thinking about him. I think I've developed some anxiety over worrying about him after he attempted to kill himself.

I feel trapped.

I don't know what to do.

Please help.

[startingnew]

Hi Dr Kim

i have chronic physical pain and it seems the more pain i have the more anxious i am, and it works vise versa where i have minimal pain and get anxious and the physical pain flares up. it seems to be a never ending cycle and it does become quite distressing where i cant control either the physical pain or anxiety.

have you got any tips?

[Kid_in_denial]

Hello Dr Kim,

Are you able to tell me if there is some correlation between mental illness and hot weather that exacerbate our symptoms? For the past few years I have been less and less tolerant of the warmer weather, to the point where - when I am really unwell / stressed I cannot function. Actually, I think now my body automatically shuts down during the heat and I am unsure if it is even related. I guess it would answer my own question to say that it is possible my own mind over exaggerates these feelings, but is there some sort of organic reason that this may occur. I am beginning to fear that I will never enjoy another warm day again.

S

[Dr_Kim]

Hi ,
I am so glad to hear from you and I hope i can be helpful.
It is completely natural that you feel so engaged and committed to him as not only is he is your first serious relationship, but I think most of us can relate to the experience where we have blinkers on because we are excited about the person or the relationship. That might explain why early on you didn’t seem to notice it or it might not have bothered you . Sometimes , being close to someone who tells us really difficult things can also make us feel special and important … but that is soon followed by frustration , anger or helplessness if the problems are overwhelming.

It appears that your boyfriend’s emotional problems started way before you got on the scene and that it is an unfair burden that you are placing on your self to
1. fix his problems
2. make him fix his problems or
3. ignore is distress and just don’t worry about his problems

You need to look after yourself. I know you are conflicted about this. On the one hand you want to stand by him but on the other hand you know in your heart that “ I haven’t been myself lately” and “ I feel trapped” and “i’m finding it hard to look after myself”.

At the age of 16 , it is unlikely that you can simultaneously look after all the needs of your own developing personality , social needs , educational needs etc AND at the same time lovingly care for the needs of someone in distress. You are not failing at this, you are just not meant to be doing it. This is the job of responsible adults and health professionals.

I would “ hand this over “ to them. If you have a family member who you can explain this to who can help you disengage, then great ! Or maybe a counsellor at your school or a teacher

My thought is that you need to make it clear to YOURSELF and then to him that
1. you care for him but you are not able to continue the relationship as things stand .
2. You hope he gets that help he needs to be happier and get rid of the “ demons in his head”
3. It is not ok that he has become your “No 1 “ priority and that you need to look after yourself at this phase of your life.( there will be other phases where caring for others is a priority but this isn’t it!)

have a look at this video about boundaries . Its about how saying NO and thats NOT OK can actually make you nicer to someone.
https://palacegatecounsellingservice.wordpress.com/2016/03/13/brene-brown-on-empathy-compassion-and-boundaries/

[turtle01]

Hi,

Thankyou. I found your information quite helpful.

I'm still confused as to what I should do. I don't want to let him go but I think i need to. I don't want to let him go but at the same time i do.

He's in a pretty bad state of mind atm the worst he's ever been, and i think i want to end the relationship but i don't know when i should say it to him and what I should say. I think I'm scared that if i end it right now when he's at his worst it'll make him even worse. I don't think its fair if i end it know as he's pretty bad and he might get worse knowing that I'm not his girlfriend even though i will still be there for him.

Should I wait till this 'passes' to end it?

[Sophie_M]

Hi turtle01, Dr Kim's time on the forums is limited, so to be fair to everyone it's one question only; she isn't able to have an ongoing conversation.  We'd suggest you start a new thread in the Relationships section to seek support from our online peer community on this issue.

[Dr_Kim]

startingnew said:

Hi Dr Kim

i have chronic physical pain and it seems the more pain i have the more anxious i am, and it works vise versa where i have minimal pain and get anxious and the physical pain flares up. it seems to be a never ending cycle and it does become quite distressing where i cant control either the physical pain or anxiety.

have you got any tips?

Its a really common problem and I think you have actually highlighted one of the complexities of chronic pain syndromes. You state that when you get anxious, the physical pain flares up. This is because pain occurs in our brain, not in our bodies. It is a perception. So things that you think or feel can influence it .

Its a bit like fear … if you feel anxious or upset, or have a past history involving trauma, a noise in the house might make you think someone is breaking into your home. If you hear a noise in your house and you are feeling relaxed, calm and have no history of trauma , you may just think it is possums or wind making the house creak. So our thoughts and feelings can affect our perceptions of things. Pain is not that different . 
 
Check out this video for further discussion of this 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XwBYkw-iZdQ
 
I think pain, and especially chronic pain is really complex and especially with so few details I am loath to be too directive but I do think you are right to see that pain and anxiety are making each other worse. So maybe it might be worthwhile to tackle the anxiety part . I’m not sure if you have had counselling for your anxiety or done any mindfulness workshops but I would think they may be really helpful in trying to sort circuit the influence that anxiety has on your pain perception. 
 
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_3phB93rvI
 
You might like to consider a Mindfulness App like Headspace or Smiling Mind together with a group mindfulness class or programme, or discuss some options with your GP.
 

[Dr_Kim]

Kid_in_denial said:

Hello Dr Kim,

Are you able to tell me if there is some correlation between mental illness and hot weather that exacerbate our symptoms? For the past few years I have been less and less tolerant of the warmer weather, to the point where - when I am really unwell / stressed I cannot function. Actually, I think now my body automatically shuts down during the heat and I am unsure if it is even related. I guess it would answer my own question to say that it is possible my own mind over exaggerates these feelings, but is there some sort of organic reason that this may occur. I am beginning to fear that I will never enjoy another warm day again.

S

Its funny that you ask this as I usually get asked the opposite! Many people feel their moods get worse in winter, when its colder and darker!

So, I’m not sure what sort of mental illness you have but if it is depression , I would say that its not that uncommon for people to feel some contribution of weather to their mood, but honestly its usually better in summer . ( However m there are not rules in this)

If you have anxiety or panic disorder, it would not be a stretch for me to think that it may be more triggered in the heat as adrenaline and cortisone (that are produced in anxiety) can mimic some same things in the body that heat does ( like feeling sweaty or having a raised pulse rate ).

So I guess there are physiological “explanations” for your reactions but I also feel that you can train your brain to mindfully see and perceive these reactions without “buying in" to them . So that you can notice them and hopefully have a different attitude to them . You may need a counsellor to help you “ retrain “ your brain to embrace that lovely warm weather instead of seeing it as a potential trigger.
 

[Ggrand]

Hello Dr Kim,

Not sure if you can help but so needing an answer

I have been living the past 4 years since I've been widowed and alone like a frightened/scared child ie when I go out scared as, decision making impossible, talking to people not knowing what to say shaking hands, so nervous. I just feel so vulnerable all the time

I read a suggested thread and it described me perfectly as to how I've been feeling the topic is suppressed development.. ok my question is

Is this fixable or am I going to be like this always.

I am over 60. I was beginning to feel kind of ok in myself at home but since reading this it has knocked me way back down.

Kind regards Karen.

[Dr_Kim]

Ggrand said:

Hello Dr Kim,

Not sure if you can help but so needing an answer

I have been living the past 4 years since I've been widowed and alone like a frightened/scared child ie when I go out scared as, decision making impossible, talking to people not knowing what to say shaking hands, so nervous. I just feel so vulnerable all the time

I read a suggested thread and it described me perfectly as to how I've been feeling the topic is suppressed development.. ok my question is

Is this fixable or am I going to be like this always.

I am over 60. I was beginning to feel kind of ok in myself at home but since reading this it has knocked me way back down.

Kind regards Karen.

Hi Karen,
 
It sounds to me like you are definitely ready to start thinking about yourself and the way you operate in the world in a different way . It seems you want to explore why you experience the world from a position of vulnerability and seeing if you can maybe change that to a position of strength and control.

I say ABSOLUTELY!

It is never to late to develop Mindfulness about ourselves and seek to tweak our thoughts and behaviors so that they fit more into how we want to think and feel, not how we just automatically think and feel.

It may be that you either got stuck in that style of being fit a reason or you developed it as a response to your environment or various other reasons .

However , we can definitely change our seemingly automatic responses and 60+ with a willing mind is completely realistic.

So I advise you to go to your GP and get a referral to a great therapist who can guide you along this transition. It might take a few tries to find the right person but keep trying until you do.

Good luck and good on you for having the courage to think of change .

PS - have a look at the work that Brene Brown has done on Vulnerability, you might enjoy her very famous TED talk about it