Getting over stigma about seeking help

[sparrowhawk]

This is probably something many can get or relate to...

I have been seeing a psychologist for the past few months, she recommended I try some medication to help me with my sleep and mood, and yesterday my GP prescribed me an antidepressant. When medication was recommended to me I was surprised, as I hadn't really expected that, and felt a bit disappointed. As a teenager I had depression and was treated with psychiatry and antidepressants. My parents, especially my dad, were not happy about that and carried a lot of stigma about medication and about seeking help. I even remember at one stage my dad told me that mental health help would "go on my record", whatever that meant. A few similar things have been said to me throughout my life, along the lines of "you won't be accepted for X/Y/Z because you have had depression". This always made me very afraid to acknowledge I was going through a rough time because I thought I'd be rejected.

I guess I carry that with me. I'm ready to try anything but I can't shake the feeling of being a failure, of letting people down, and of not being accepted because I have a mental illness. My mother is against me taking any antidepressants, as is a good friend of mine. It all actually makes me feel more depressed. I am just wondering how you guys get through that stigma. I know the stigma and stereotyping is a real problem which can lead to tragic circumstances and I really want to be able to move from that critical judgement of myself. I really want to get help and I don't know if the medication will work until I try it, so I want to go for it. I just want to fight for myself instead of always doing what others say I should do.

[White_Rose]

Dear Sparrowhawk

Hello, good to meet you. This is a very tough topic. If your parents are older than 50 then they would have been brought up to feel shame if they needed any psychological help. It's hard to move from this position as you have found when other people advise you not to take medication for any mental illness.

I'm not a fan of medication in any way and that does include antidepressives. However I recognise that I get ill on occasions and need antibiotics etc. These are now acceptable. So why do AD have such a bad press. Of course it's the association with mental illness, in particular the more obvious illnesses and the behaviour that has been associated with mental illness.

What many people are keen to ignore is how much meds have changed the lives of people with a mental illness. I think if someone had one of these more obvious illnesses the story may be very different.I also wonder how many lives have been saved through taking ADs and getting therapeutic help. We can be in such a bad place that suicide seems the only way out. Without help this has been the unfortunate result. So please, do not refuse help or medication because of "what people may say".

I must tell you that ADs will not make you well on their own. It is the combination with therapy that does the most good. Meds help to make you feel better and give you the energy to work on whatever you need to do. Your psychologist probably thought it would help you to manage on a more physical level which of course affects the psychological level.

See how you go for a few weeks. Not sure I can do much about stigma other than say don't hide it. Ask those who tell you not to take it what they would do. Of course they will say they would refuse it because they have no idea how it feels. Perhaps you can download some fact sheets from this website and give them to your family and friends. Look under The Facts at the top of the page. There is also a booklet specifically for family and friends but you must ask BB to send you a copy or several copies. No charge involved.

Cheers

Mary

[sparrowhawk]

Thanks Mary. Yes, my parents are over 50 and I sense a big shame factor with them. They are also religious people and when I was a teenager my dad would tell me that suicide/self-harm was sinful.

My mum and my friend both said that the ADs will probably change me and make me even worse. I don't know about that, but I know I am very tired and feel very sad and I don't know what else to do besides follow the suggestions of people who know more about it than I do. When people ask me how I am, I have tried to be honest. Actually, I told one of my colleagues today that I have been struggling with depression. I don't know why it is such a taboo thing.

I just really want to stop crying every day and stop feeling so foggy. Hoping the medication will help with that.

Thanks so much for your kind words and for your suggestions about fact sheets! I do have a lot of support around me, just not from the people I thought would support me the most. I really appreciate all your help.

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Thank you for your post and bringing up this stigma; I'm sorry that you are struggling with it.

Mary/White Rose is right here - unfortunately your parents were probably brought up with a lot of stigma around mental health. It's always had a lot of shame attached to it, which even now is quite hard to break. The idea was that people had to be 'strong' and in order to be strong it meant therapy and medication was simply out of the question. What we know now though is that there is strength in therapy and medication; being able to advocate for yourself and get the help that you need, in the same way that we can advocate for a broken bone or diabetes.

My parents too had given me the same messages, particularly the ones about not getting x/y/z. What I know now is that the benefits of me taking medication far outweigh the stigma that comes with it. Lots of people take medication and we wouldn't even know it; and nobody even has to know (just your GP and pharmacist!). I can't genuinely think of a reason that you would miss out on things just because you're taking a medication. If anything, you're more likely to be accepted for x/y/z because you are managing your depression.

I'm not sure if any of this answers your question. I take medication and I'm not ashamed of it, and I know that everyone has a long way to go in terms of smashing the stigma, but I think it starts with having these conversations.

RT

[sparrowhawk]

Thanks RT. Stigma is a huge thing which can be really hurtful.

It seems like strength has typically meant just getting on with it and not talking about your problems. That's kind of conditioned me in a way as I now feel very reluctant to talk to people about how I'm feeling, not so much because I worry about being perceived as weak, but because I am so afraid of burdening or hurting them and because I think I am ashamed to be struggling. I downplay my struggles; I have a good life and a lot going for me, why should I be depressed?
You are so right about people not needing to know except the medical people. Even someone who asked what medication I am taking (for a good reason) was very polite about it and said "Only tell me if you feel comfortable, no pressure". Her response made me feel more comfortable to be transparent with her, so I did open up.

Yes, you really did help. There is a lot of stigma around. I feel particularly bad in the mornings and I really don't like people asking me how I am, because I don't know how to answer. Usually it's just easier to say I'm okay because people will stop asking questions. I sometimes say I am not feeling well, but am afraid to disclose further with just anyone (plus, why do I need to?). One person I live with knows there is something going on but thinks it's stomach pains or insomnia (both significant issues, but not my issues). They often assume I don't sleep well - I don't, usually, but it's generally because I am too anxious or sad to even fall asleep.

[sparrowhawk]

Mary, just to add - I downloaded the fact sheet and sent it to my mum as I know she was concerned. I told her the type (but not the name) of the antidepressant I've been prescribed, as I figured she may ask. I didn't want her to get stuck into googling and get more worried.

[quirkywords]

Sparrowhawk,

RT and Mary have given you helpful replies so I wont repeat but I ill share my experience.

I am over 50 and when I wa sin my 20s I was in denial about having bipolar and was ashamed . That was a long time ago and now I feel there is much less stigma now than when I was your age and so much more understanding and help.I understand there is still a long way to go.

have given talks over the years to demystify and destigmatise mental illness.

have been taking the same medication for 25 years and I was a teacher and now I run my own business. If I had not taken my medication I would have missed out on these opportunities not the other way around.

Getting well as Mary mentioned is more than taking medication, and it takes looking at one's whole well being mental physical social psychological etc.

Thanks again for your post

Quirky

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi sparrowhawk,

Great to hear back from you!

Hm, yes, I hear what you're saying and I think you've made some really good points. I guess if I were to think about what it might have been like for older people (our parents/grandparents, etc), I think strength was kind of like this cover. These messages of strength were probably around "I need to be strong for the family" - because what else? The alternative is that they admit that they're struggling and there was a lot of fear around getting help. Getting help did mean that other people would know, and for a while back it meant that you went into hospitals/institutions, lost your own independence - all these terrible things. None of that is the case now fortunately!

When I think of strength in mental health now, I think of how damn scary it is to talk about - the vulnerability in speaking about hard things to someone you barely know, to take medications you've never tried for the idea of feeling better, to have hard conversations instead of talking about the weather. That takes a hell of a lot of courage, and none of that seems weak to me.

I understand the downplaying of depression (super common!), but your struggles very much are real, no matter what your life might look like. Depression doesn't discriminate, picking and choosing who has it.

What would it be like to validate your own struggles and not downplay it? Or to talk to people about how you're feeling without being afraid that you'll burden them? While I don't know you personally I imagine that if the situation was the opposite and a friend came to you, you'd probably be there in the same way your friends could be there for you.

RT

[White_Rose]

Hello Sparrowhawk

Wow you have really stepped up. That's great you have sent your mom some information. Whether it will reassure her or not is up to her but at least she will have good, reliable information.

I know my dad would never have admitted to any mental illness if he had one and his parents would have almost thrown him out of home if it had been the case. My dad was born in 1912. Medication was almost non existent. When ADs as we know them became available it was discovered the side effects could be horrendous. tH so not an easy time for anyone with a MH problem. Once Ads were available they were prescribed like sweets. An early benzodiazepine was the drug of choice back then and was prescribed in increasing amounts. No one realise how addictive it could be or how the effect waned over time.

The AD I take is from the TCA group as I said. This was the first group of ADs on the market but instead of being prescribed huge amounts I was started at 10mg and my GP gradually increased the amount. In part this was because of my intolerance to many meds, not just ADs. However when I reached a level the GP thought appropriate I stayed at that level. In many ways I would love to stop taking an AD, partly because I have to remember to take it every night. Also for the inconvenience and cost.

Romantic has it right about it being scary to talk about MH. When we all talk about it I think we will all benefit as we work to demystify MH and make it just another illness. I look forward to that day

I had a little smile when you wrote, "I really don't like people asking me how I am, because I don't know how to answer. Usually it's just easier to say I'm okay ". It would be great if we could answer everyone honestly and say I feel very unwell. Your answer is the same as mine. So hard to find anything different to say without scaring people away or feeling inadequate ourselves. You are in good company here.

Mary

[sparrowhawk]

Quirky: Thanks for sharing parts of yourself. I think you are right; thankfully, there is less stigma now. And it is great you have been part of that process through talking and sharing!

You know, I started reading the other thread "Be yourself but who am I" and can really resonate with some of the comments there. I don't really know who I am and I am still trying to work out what I really want because I tend to go with what I think others want me to be or do.

RT: Spot on.about the strength and getting help. It is scary. I work in two locations and have opened up to a couple of colleagues in each place -- because I don't want to hide anymore and because I think it's important that someone knows. They have been so caring and supportive but it's been really hard to actually start that conversation, to say "I'm not OK". I am quite a joyful person and I try to be friendly so people have been surprised that I am actually depressed. I called Lifeline the other day and had a great talk with someone who really encouraged me just to be myself. I started the medication yesterday; the pharmacist was very kind and asking me if I'd taken it before and being clear that it won't make me feel better instantly. It did make me drowsy and I feel a little out of it but maybe it's extra tiredness too.
I don't like comparisons. I often find them in my work because I work with sick people, and many of them have the view that there's always someone worse than they are. I get that perspective, but I try to gently help them to see that their struggle is real and valid, and it's okay for them to feel like things are not okay and that they are going through something really hard. I find it so easy to talk to others like that, but really hard to say that to myself.
If I could stop downplaying, or talk to someone freely... that would be a great feeling. I get scared to open up, because I don't trust people, so I quickly brush it over with "I'm okay", or I'll say "I'm not okay, but everything will be fine". Even with taking these meds, I worry that is inconveniencing or causing problems for people. Yes, I am there for my friends and love to help them. There are people who really want to help me, and they are helping me, but I just feel so guilty every time I am helped.