Hi H-c
First have to say you're a legend for managing trying to make a difference. It's not always easy to do, step foot on a new path toward a difference. A crystal ball would be helpful, then we'd know exactly what we need to do and not do. Unfortunately, it can be about 'winging it' as we go along.
Internal dialogue can be a little frustrating and soul destroying at times, that's for sure. Might sound strange but I try to keep an eye on where my dialogue's coming from. By the way, and this is relevant, read a brilliant book some time ago by Jamie Catto called 'Insanely gifted - Turn your demons into creative rocket fuel'. The book's basically about identifying which part of you you're channeling at any given time. Your doctor's appointment has suddenly inspired my intolerant sense of self to come to life. Sounds like it was incredibly frustrating and somewhat disappointing. That was poorly managed in my opinion and you should have received their deepest apology for the inconvenience. Hope you did.
I've found, when my sad and desperate sense of self has gone looking sadly and desperately for help and is met with the kind of 'help' that's borderline depressing, it can lead me to feel quite down. When my intolerant sense of self has gone for help, she will not tolerate anything less than helpful. Anything less than helpful is actually angering in some cases.
When you initially posted, I wondered what 2 aspects you were managing at the same time. To be in 2 minds can feel like quite a battle. Perhaps it was the sage in you saying 'This is the right thing to do' vs some other part of you which was dictating 'Things are going to go wrong?'. That 2nd aspect, was it the pessimist or the seer (based on what happened)? Who knows.
I've found my intolerant sense of self is the part that comes to life when boundaries are needed, when no one appears to be stepping up to help, when people's behaviour is highly questionable and so on. If you were to channel this aspect of yourself, what do you think they'd say? Maybe 'Let's not waste too much of my time going over the whole of my history. Let's just focus on what's relevant here'. They might even say, if bold enough, 'Stop wasting my time. There was enough of it wasted in the waiting room'.
I think that over time, from when we're quite young, we're led to suppress our intolerant sense of self. You know that self that may have had tantrums based on what's not fair, the self that used to demand a fair outcome.
