Finding safety within

[Anzee]

Hi all, So I have PTSD, severe anxiety, and right now my symptoms are chronic as I have recently escaped an abusive relationship of over 10 years and am still dealing with the aftermath and fall out from that as we share 2 children together but he has not had any form of contact with his two daughters since January as it was the safest way to leave as he is very very manipulative and would have scared them into wanting to go home.
I experienced a lot of trauma as a child including SA, have been in unsafe and abusive relationships ever since. I have been working as hard as I can (whilst having 100% care of two daughters and being in and out of crisis accommodation, refuge and homelessness) with my therapist on trying to find a safe place ANYWHERE in my mind and body but have not yet been successful. We’ve even tried rewording ‘safe place’ as we wondered if it was too triggering but I still cannot find any place in my body or imagination where I feel safe, nowhere at all. The closest I can get to is sleeping! The thought of sleeping makes me feel comfortable enough to possibly feel safety, but in saying that my nightmares are so intense right now, and flashbacks, I’m just been flooded with all types of memories and feelings and I just want to have a break, I want to find a place in my mind where I can have a time out and feel somewhat calm and relaxed.

Has anyone else out there had trouble finding a place inside yourself you could feel safety/ comfort/ calm?? What helped you access this place?? I really want to be able to have that space I can go to when things are feeling too overwhelming and too much.
I’ve tried meditating but that caused chronic flashbacks as I guess I try to keep my mind busy at all times subconsciously, so when I give my mind a chance to relax, memories and thoughts I’ve been actively trying to block out flood in. Any similar experiences very much welcome.

[mmMekitty]

Hello Anzee,

You sure have had a very difficult time of it over the years. I can easily understand why you'd like to find that 'safe place', & feel so frustrated when you try & that's exactly when thoughts, memories & flashbacks come rushing in.

For myself, my escape was in denying all feeling, & when I did think I found a safe place, imagining I could go up & to a star, it was during, so that idea of having a space in my mind wasn't going to help me. In fact, blocking my feelings & pushing away memories, only, in truth, made things worse. I put up with more.

& eventually, I couldn't do it anymore. That's when I first sought out help with a Psychiatrist. Long road, & I find it hard to detail how I am here today,.

I have found ways of expressing the feelings, (well, mostly), & talking about the memories & how I was thinking, & how I think about my past now. It's not all one big lumping of past & present mixed up like it was.

I have also made my mind up that sometimes the past was allowed to filter out, & times when it was not. I used to write things down, much writing, just letting it out onto the page. After I began feeling I was repeating myself, I said, "enough", & saw it there, & could sleep. So I suppose my writing books were a 'safe place'

My painting too. & my music, listening & singing. I wasn't really processing anything ,just allowing some sort of outlet & expression.

But I realised, I have to examine, & critically think about everything that had happened, how I felt & what now. It's hard work, processing what we've been through. If you are working with someone who treats you with the utmost care & respect, you will find yourself coping better, & these thoughts, feelings, flashbacks & nightmares will lessen over time.

You can try to distract yourself in so many ways. At night, you could have music playing, perhaps.

You are at the other end, now, & you got your daughters out, too. That took a whole lot of courage & inner strength.

Your therapist can teach you various techniques to help you to manage your anxiety.

Care for yourself, & your daughters. You deserve that.

& talk here, or BBs own counsellors, ph: 1300 46 36 anytime.

Warmest regards,

mmMekitty

[Petal22]

Hi Anzee,

Im so sorry you have been through so much.

I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD this condition was anything but calm I was always on edge terrified of what thoughts and images would come up next in my mind……. I was always running from something not a nice way to live.

The good news is that I did find my inner calm with practice……..

Ive written a post in “ staying well” on this forum it’s call “ finding your inner calm”…

I also had professional help to help me with my severe anxiety OCD I have now recovered, while on this journey I also learned how to find my inner calm.

Hopefully you will find some of my tips helpful for you in finding your inner calm.

Staying Well - Finding Your Inner Calm

[yggdrasil]

Thank you so much for sharing your story on here. It takes incredible bravery and strength to go through what you have, and keep on looking for ways to make your situation better. It's really inspiring, so thank you so much again for sharing.

I also experienced trauma, and some abuse growing up. For a long time my internal state was usually very intense and chaotic. Whenever I purposefully tried to create a more peaceful internal state, it just made things worse. Meditation just gave my brain space to generate intense negative thoughts and feelings, which I couldn't de-escalate no matter how hard I tried. Eventually, I did find an internal "safe place", though the path to it was unusual...

During COVID things got really bad for me. I lost three people in tragic circumstances, and I was desperate for anything that might make me feel better. I remembered reading research about programs for improving mental health, tailored specifically for Aboriginal kids. The research found that when the programs encouraged re-connection with traditional culture, kids generally faired much better. I wondered if an analogous approach would work for me.

Having an Anglo-Saxon background, I started by reading all the old Norse myths books I had as a kid: Loki, Thor and all that. Hence the "yggdrasil". I figured this was the closest thing I had to a "traditional culture". Then I watched some shows on Netflix about England and Christianity, so out of curiousity, I attended a Sunday Anglican Church service during COVID over Zoom, figuring this was also a part of my "traditional culture". In saying this, I am absolutely not trying to encourage or discourage anyone else's religious practice.

Over the next two years I continued attending Church services, and I feel these really did give me a sense of "traditional" identity, and an internal "safe place", that could withstand my intense and chaotic thoughts and feelings, and the brutal realities of life. It's hard to understand how all this works psychologically. Perhaps traditional cultures give people ways of thinking about themselves and their experiences that are more loving, and more poetic, than clinical material reality does. Maybe it's just going to a nice building with a nice garden? Maybe it's the ritual of it all? I suspect it's also that traditional cultures often deal with, and even normalise the inevitability of human tragedy head on, whereas it's usually taboo in modern culture.

I hope this ramble helps in some way.

[Anzee]

Hi mmMekitty,

thanks for your reply, it’s always nice to not feel so alone that’s why I like posting in places like this.
I am the queen at denial and avoidance, it is definitely how I’m still here today. I am very very slowly admitting with my therapist what happened in my childhood but I still deny what actually happened in my previous relationship. She has put a lot together from the small things I have told her (and then after told her they didn’t actually happen because that’s the only way I feel better) but she knows they did happen and they were real and often does try to get me to trust in myself and my memories, but I’ve spent so much of my life being told I’m wrong, I’m a drama queen, I’ve exaggerated things, my memories wrong etc etc so I really really struggle to admit to something without taking back what I’ve said. I guess in a way it was lucky that when I first left over a year ago I didn’t actually know what DV was or that I was experiencing it so when they did the risk assessment I was honest with them because I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what my ex was doing. At some points they would say things like did you call the police? Did you go to hospital? Are you ok and then I’d be like oh no it wAs fine, I was ok with it so it wasn’t abuse and they were like um I don’t think it matters if you were ok with it, you were physically injured.

I used to write emails to my previous psych and it’s how I disclosed everything. She was so amazing that she would let me email her as much as I wanted and honestly I think that was the real therapy, I was comfortable talking about things out loud yet but I could write for hours, it really got me out of my shell. I also used to keep a journal during my darkest time, but it went ‘missing’ for a few months after my ex left then he found it when he came back home so I felt too scared to write stuff down anymore because I didn’t feel safe him reading what I was writing. Then I started writing journals in my phone but the services were almost certain he had hacked my phone so had access to it then my psych left private practice so I felt as though I no longer had a safe place to write anymore and haven’t got myself back into it yet but I may try again because it did help.

we have sleep music on at night, I’ve had the locks changed but I still have chronic nightmares and wake up unable to get myself out of the feelings associated with the nightmares, not sure if that makes sense.

[Anzee]

Hi Petal22,

thanks so much for sharing your experience. Sometimes I am convinced I will never overcome this or get better so it’s always reassuring to hear from someone who has come through the other side.

I will have to go over and check out your post, I was going to search for the topic but I just didn’t know what to search for. Like I literally don’t feel a single safe fibre in my body, every part of me feels so scared and unsafe, especially my mind and memories! They scare me the most because I feel like they have so much potential to do the most harm.

[Anzee]

Hi yggdrasil,

thanks so much for sharing what worked for you. I totally agree that the more I try to be calm, the more scared and chaotic I feel. I actually had heart surgery two years ago and was in the icu, so it terrifies me when my symptoms are so heightened because I automatically convince myself my heart issues are back (which can definitely happen) so then because I’m so focused on my heart rate it just goes higher and higher. I had bought a watch the tracks my heart so I felt comfortable I was ok and it did work for a while but in this state it definitely made me feel worse so I’ve had to stop wearing it.

I’ve actually heard personally from someone who found god and she is a whole new person with so much hope in her life. She actually overcame a severe drug addiction and managed to escape a life threatening relationship and I always wonder if I could ever find something I believe in so strongly to get me through, but I grew up in a very atheist family, so it’s hard for me to find that belief after spending my life with the opposite. You never know though, the person I know who found god, I don’t know if I’d call her an atheist, but she definitely didn’t practice a catholic or Christian lifestyle (I’m sorry I am really not knowledgeable or clear on different religions)

I really like how you point out you can find anything to believe in though, that it doesn’t have to be a religion, I would actually love to find out more about my dads family and roots, we know very little about them as he was American and grew up in a highly religious family and was drafted for war and he rebelled against all of it and fled America, came to Australia and never returned. So it would be amazing to find out about his roots, it’s just not something I’ve ever felt the space to look into (my dad died when I was 11) but it’s definitely on my to do list.

[yggdrasil]

Yes, I also grew up in a very atheist family, and was taught to disdain all religions and religious people. I would still consider myself atheist, or at least not religious in the stereotypical sense. For me it was not really about "believing" per se. I just approached it in an ultra-pragmatic way, to see if there was anything in it that could help. I just disregard the parts that don't sit right with me. I was very surprised to find that no one in the church community trys to force me to have any particular belief or mindset, they all seem to understand that different people approach this stuff in different ways. All the best,