Feelings for Psychologist. Do I tell her?

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

I've been seeing my current psychologist fortnightly for a few months now, and I'd be lying if I said I didn't find her quite attractive from day one, but at that point, it was simply me noticing she was good looking and that was that. As we had more sessions together though, I started actually crushing on her, but now, as I really think about it, these feelings aren't particularly romantic, or sexual. Its more platonic than that, like I wish she was my mother. The thought of actually being romantic with her weirds me out, yet I still have this crush like infatuation.

I'm 25 (hardly qualified to be) and she's in her late 30's, if that means anything. I'm also a woman; a very gay one, so this situation is confusing.

I have a letter that I've written her that addresses these feelings, but I'm unsure whether or not I should give it to her for our next session. I'm scarred she'll stop seeing me, or I'll make things super weird between us.

I'm aware of what transference is, and it seems accurate to this situation, but I feel like I haven't been seeing my psychologist long enough to justify such a connection, and I'm not sure how transference is viewed in modern psychology given how many Freudian methods of treatment have been (rightfully) moved away from.

Anyway, the letter is very honest, although admittedly downplaying how often I think about her just the tiniest bit. Is it worth giving it to her? I don't want to distract from our work or ruin what I have with her.

Thank you.

[blondguy]

Nice1 and thankyou Jaimie 🙂

Great to have you as part of the forum family. Your thread is always open

my best

Paul

[LustStarrr]

Hi Jaimie,

First, I must say congrats on finding a fantastic psychologist who you get along with - that's a huge feat! Having rapport with our therapists is so important, & can make so much difference to our recovery progress.

Regarding transference, I've had similar feelings about a couple of my psychologists over the years... I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), & it can make me very susceptible to this kind of thing, unfortunately. I found this guide quite helpful for understanding the phenomenon better, & working out how to manage it: https://www.psychologytoday.com/au/blog/in-therapy/201206/clients-guide-transference

I hope you are able to work through these feelings & continue to have a great therapeutic relationship with this person - they sound like they've really helped you so far. Congrats on finding someone you're compatible with.

All the best!

Fern

[Croix]

Dear SP Jaimie~

I'm so pleased it worked out well. I suspect it will give you not only more confidence in your psychologist but also more confidence in yourself too. You faced a difficult situation head on and it worked out. With all the doubts and fears of what might happen that was brave.

Knowing one has a reservoir of courage inside does help when facing all the downs that illness can bring.

I do hope you keep on coming here, we need examples of courage.

Croix

[smallwolf]

Hi. I am a bit late on the scene here but it seems you got the outcome you wanted?Best of all, it seems you have a good relationship with your psych, which I think is precious.

What we need to remember is there is a professional/client relationship here, and at the same time the person we are talking listens to our innermost thoughts and help us to work out ways through whatever our issues might be. For various reasons, there are things I tell my psych that my family dont get to hear (more reasons).

As the other posters have commented, hope you stick around a bit longer. I have found this a good place to be between sessions. Whatever issues I have and write about here, there are others who will support me. And that is a good thing.

All the best,

Tim

[Tweet-Heart]

I fell in love with my former psychiatrist who is homosexual. When I found out I was devastated. I fell for him hard, he went away on leave around Christmas time, he replied to my e-mail on Christmas Day. He made me feel safe when a fellow patient was bothering me, Wow did I fall head over heels. I made comments to the nursing staff and other patients like "he can climb down my chimney", "he can fill my stocking" and that next time I saw him .. of course I would never do that !! It's all in good fun. I am blushing now suffice to say he told me he could no longer see me anymore for clinical reasons so I am sure one of the nurses told him.

[Tweet-Heart]

It is not applicable in your situation but my experience might be considered an erotic transference. I am just embarrassed because I am pretty sure he found out when he came back from leave and that is why he decided to discontinue treatment which is fair enough.

[Lucy7]

Hi SP Jaimie,

Just wanted to say that your bravery about addressing your feelings with your psych is very inspiring.

I am going through an almost identical crisis of feelings regarding my psycologist and not sure i can be as brave as you.

Well done and hope you continue to reap the rewards of your sessions

Lucy

[spacemountain]

That's awesome Jaimie that you were able to share it and she responded well. Has she explored it with you since? I'm curious about what kinds of things they ask about transference and how the reasons for it are discussed in therapy, if they even want to discuss it that much at all.

I'm feeling similarly for my therapist and I want to tell her at the next session in a few days. I know she'll react fine because I told her about my previous transference for another therapist (not sexual) and she assured me it was normal. But I'm nervous about telling her there's a romantic and sexual element to how I feel about her.

[Scottish-Parrot_Jaimie]

Hey sorry for such a late reply! My schedule is hectic right now and I haven't really been able to check, well, anything.

Thank you for the kind words, and if I'm being honest, we haven't discussed it a whole heap since it happened, but when it has been brought up, she's been nothing but kind and supportive of my decision to open up to her. She thinks it was very brave of me, and she still treats me the same as she did before; and with the way she interacts with me, I have no doubt that she does genuinely like and care for me (professionally speaking of course!).

I think the reason we haven't discussed it that much (aside from the fact that my sessions are only fortnightly to monthly) is because there hasn't been a need to. If I brought it up, of course she would talk with me about it, but we do have limited time, and I do have a lot of other issues to work through with her; and the thing with this particular thing is that we both have a very good understanding about why I'm feeling this way and what can and cannot happen in our relationship; and given that my attachment to her is related to how I struggle with interpersonal relationships and regulating my emotions, it makes sense that a lot of our focus is on building healthy relationships and understanding my emotional responses to things in general.

I hope that makes sense, and I hope your relationship with your therapist is going well. Going off experience, I do recommend being honest- it can be super hard, and if I'm being honest, even I downplayed my feelings a tiny bit, but I think there is still plenty of merit in just being honest 'enough'- it can be a good way to test the waters if nothing else.

[Tweet-Heart]

It must be hard to deal with, I am going through this phase with my current treating psychologist. I bought us both a drink and offered him one today in our session and he said that was very kind of me. It's the polite thing to do I mean we wouldn't normally have a drink and not offer it to a guest or a friend. He likes the sparkling and I don't but I like the organic can of San Pelligrino lemon tea it's very refreshing and he liked it. I don't think this is a big deal and it's not like I am buying him a gift which would be highly inappropriate.

However, in saying that he doesn't know how I feel he has no idea even after I tried to tell him the other day he doesn't know. I mean seriously guys how can you not know when I a girl fancies you... like it could be right in front of you and you wouldn't know.

On a serious note, I thanked him for all his support I am going through an extremely difficult time in my life and I can relate to you as when we're feeling vulnerable we feel attached to certain people including those professionals trying to help us.

My clinical psychologist has been amazing, he has invested so much time and effort into helping me, we often talk outside our sessions I'll often ring him when I am in crisis or I need his advice. He listens, returns calls and doesn't get annoyed with me. He often gets calls from others and it takes up his time but he doesn't get annoyed. Today, I thanked him for it because in the past I've been let down and it's hard to develop that trust, but the great thing is, and I hope this has been an experience for you is that we have so much positive transferance we have built a really high level of trust and rapport it's amazing and I don't want to jeopardise that with this sexualised fantasy I am having about him as he makes me feel very safe. It's not to say we don't disagree but the great thing is we talk about it and resolve it together and we have great open line of communication.

What you're experiencing is normal and nothing to feel ashamed of. If it is starting to interfere with your life or the benefits you're receiving then it may be wise to bring it up with your treating specialist or your GP or seek advice from us we're here to help. Don't beat yourself up about it as that will just cause added stress, maybe writing a journal or a letter might help?

I know this is an old thread but let us know how you go.